Thought Journals
by WannaBeBabe
Summary: Stephanie's life has finally caught up with her and it seems there is only one person she feels safe with. The problem is to help her with her mental illness he'll have to face his own troubled past. Can they open up enough to face life together? Babe HEA
1. Chapter 1

****Author's notes...Just trying something a little different here. I was interested in trying this POV and truly think some of my favorite characters need a little help getting together. So this would take place after Takedown Twenty in the scheme of things so there will probably be spoilers to some of the books up until that point. Let me know how you think it's going and what not. The rating is for language, violence, and some smut that will come up later, but I know it's going to be smutty. Thanks for reading.****

September 3rd

So this is my thought journal, I had one of these when I was in high school, but I called it a diary. This one is supposed to be therapeutic, at least that's what my doctor said. So I'm going to try my best to be honest here. I guess living in denial land is lying to myself and it's making me sick, at least in the head. So I guess I should start at the beginning, that's what the doctor is having me do in my sessions.

I'm Stephanie Plum. On the surface I'm a pretty average person, mid-thirties, single, no kids, cheap apartment and POS car. I have parents that are still married after almost forty years and an older sister that I used to envy, but now realize doesn't have the perfect life either. I come from an average neighborhood, which I'll refer to as The Burg from now on. It's a middle class, Italian, area of Trenton where everyone knows everyone and no one's business is their own. Gossip is almost like a living thing here and I've been a topic of discussion almost my entire life.

I never fit into the role that I was supposed to. Here women are wives and mothers. They have clean homes, cook perfect dinners served at six sharp, and dress conservatively. I've always been more comfortable in a pair of jeans, a tight tee shirt, and shoes to fit the mood. I can clean, I just don't like it. Cooking, however, I just can't do. I never had the capacity for it, in fact I've started fires trying. So I've stopped trying. Having children is a foreign concept to me, I don't hate kids, but I don't want to spend more than a few hours with one. As for a husband, I tried it once and don't think I'm close to wanting to try it again.

After college I met a man, whom I'll refer to as The Dick from here on out. He was a young lawyer with political aspirations. He needed me to be his arm candy. I still couldn't cook or clean worth a shit, but I did an amazing job schmoozing his peers and bosses. It wasn't the life I had dreamed of, but it made my mother proud, which was something I was never able to do as a kid, so I married him.

It wasn't a blissful marriage, but it was I expected of a Burg marriage up until the moment I came home from work and found The Dick fucking my arch-nemesis, Joyce Barnhardt, on my brand new dining room table. I started a bonfire on the front lawn with his clothes and divorced him before the ink was even dry on the marriage license.

In my mother's eyes I had failed again. She couldn't understand why I couldn't allow my husband his indiscretions. I guess part of me felt like a failure too. What kind of woman can't keep her husband interested more than six months? I went through all the what-ifs and tried to bury my depression deep down, but it was hard. He left me with nothing.

I had a job as a lingerie buyer in Newark. I spent most of my time trying to get a good price on cotton granny panties. It wasn't the best job, but it paid the bills. After a few years the company was sold and I was laid off. The job market wasn't the best at the time and I was just another out of work woman with a business degree.

I still had my cheap little apartment on the outskirts of the Burg, a perfect little Mazda Miata that made me look hot, and my hamster, Rex, so life could be worse, but after six months the unemployment dried up and the job market still didn't have anything better to offer. I started to sell off my personal appliances to pay my bills and buy groceries, though mostly I just mooched off my parents every night.

The night my car was repossessed I had to admit to my family that I lost my job and was nearly destitute. My mother came up with a series of awful jobs for me to interview for and a few really disgusting prospects for me to marry. She figured if I had a husband she wouldn't be embarrassed by me anymore and I wouldn't have to worry about getting a job, a win-win in her book, I guess.

I finally decided it was time to pursue something in the way of a shitty job, it was better than having to marry a Kuntz. I had heard my cousin Vinnie was hiring a filing clerk at his office, so I pawned the last of my valuables and bought myself a POS, falling apart, Nova and drove down to Vincent Plum Bail Bonds.

A lot of things happened that first day. First, I met Connie, who has become one of my best friends. She was working as Vinnie's office manager. She told me the filing job was done, but showed me some of the FTA (Failure to Appear) files she had. One of their bounty hunters was laid up and they needed someone to pick up his caseload.

Second, once she explained I'd get a percentage of the bond I decided I had to have the job. My cousin Vinnie didn't go for it at all, but luckily for me I had blackmail material he didn't want his wife to know about. So I suddenly had a job.

Third, as I was sorting through the stack of open files I found one that was extremely interesting and worth a ton of money. I knew I found what I was looking for. I knew the guy, in fact I grew up with him. That was the moment Joe Morelli came back into my life, even if he didn't know it yet, but I'm not ready to talk about Joe yet.

Anyway, the bounty hunting didn't sound like it would be that difficult. Connie said I just go find the guy and bring them back to jail, most of the time they'd just get a new court date and rebonded. How could it be hard to find them? They gave all their personal information including address, employer, and the address of the person posting bond who was usually a relative. So I set off to find Joe Morelli, a Trenton police officer arrested for an off duty shooting and charged with murder.

Since I knew Joe's family so well it wasn't hard to find him. I followed his idiot cousin from Joe's apartment to an abandoned building where I assumed Joe was hiding. I entered the building and found Joe's hide out alright. I tried to talk him into coming back into jail with me. He laughed in my face and left me standing there staring at him. That was the first indication I had that this job was harder than I thought it was going to be.

I went back to Connie and told her that I found Joe, but had no idea how I was going to convince him to go back to jail. I wasn't about to give up though, it was personal now, I wanted Morelli, just to wipe the smirk off his smug face. Asshole thought he could laugh at me and get away with it. Connie must have taken pity on me, because she didn't tell me I was an idiot. She called in a favor to another bounty hunter, she said he was the best. If I could get him to teach me I'd be able to get Morelli with no problem.

So that was when I met Ricardo Carlos Manoso, AKA Ranger, God of all bounty hunters, at a diner. One look at him and I about peed my pants. The guy was six feet of hard muscle packed in mocha latte skin. His dark hair was pulled back into a pony tail revealing about one of the most handsome faces I'd ever come face to face with. His dark eyes met mine in a cool, assessing stare.

I knew if I was going to do this I needed to be tough too, so I squared my shoulders and marched up to him with my brave face on. I listened to all he told me. To say I was unprepared was an understatement. How he didn't turn his back and run the moment he realized I had my FTA, but had no handcuffs or gun to use to bring him in I'll never know. Looking back on it now, I probably amused him. He probably wanted to see what I'd do next, he likes amusement, especially when it comes from me. Now I'm getting off subject again, I promise to talk more about Ranger later too. It wouldn't be a diary if I didn't.

Anyway, he took me out and bought me equipment and taught me to use my gun. He gave me his number in case I needed any help and took off. He was true to his word, he trained me and helped me gather information on Morelli. I ended up solving the case on my own, clearing Morelli's name and bringing him in to collect my bounty, but I knew I'd never have made it without Ranger's back-up.

After that, the bounty hunting became a part of me. As much as I hate getting beat up, thrown around, and tossed into garbage I love the thrill of the chase, putting the clues together and solving a mystery. I know I had a lot of ups and downs over the last few years, but I still felt like I did my job to the best of my ability and had a good capture rate.

So, I guess that's me in a nutshell. I'll write more after my session tomorrow.


	2. Chapter 2

September 4

So I've told you I was seeing a doctor, he's a psychologist named Dr. Westin. He's been working with me for a couple weeks now. After his initial evaluation he decided to work with me daily in sessions at his office. Not only has he asked me to start this journal, but he's placed me on a medication called Celexa. He thinks the medication combined with therapy will help me get well sooner, I hope he's right.

I felt really ashamed when he suggested the medication. I knew it would embarrass my mother if it got around The Burg that her daughter was on an anti-depressant medication. It also wasn't something I wanted my friends to know about, but oddly enough the ones that have found out didn't seem to judge.

Lula, she works as Vinnie's file clerk, but spends most of her time as my wheel man, found my bottle of pills when she went into my purse after the extra McDonald's apple pie I had tossed in there. I finally admitted that I was seeing a doctor and was placed on the medication. She just told me it'd make me feel better. Apparently she was on some antidepressants after she was beaten and raped a few years ago. I felt better knowing I wasn't alone with the use of the pills, but what she'd been through had been so much worse than what I had experienced. I was still embarrassed by my weakness.

When I mentioned the stupid pills to Tank and Lester they just smiled at me. Tank and Lester both work for Ranger. They're big, strong, tough, ex-military men that still work in some of the most dangerous situations in the city. So when they told me that they had both been on similar medications at more than one point in their lives I felt a little bit better, but then Tank topped that by saying most of the guys that worked with them had been treated with the same medication, some more than once. He told me it wasn't weak, taking help was one of the strongest things I could do. He held me while he told me how proud he was of me. I think that finally made me feel like I wasn't as damaged as the pills originally made me feel.

As I mentioned, Tank and Lester work for Ranger. Ranger owns and serves as CEO of an elite security company called RangeMan. He employs a large number of well trained, well-conditioned, and well-built men. Most of them are ex-military, probably former Special Forces like Ranger himself. Anyway, they are all tough as nails. So like I said, hearing they weren't too tough for the meds convinced me to stick with them.

I took to calling Ranger's men the Merry Men years ago, which I guess would make him my Robin Hood, though I wouldn't tell him that. Oh God, that just made me laugh, maybe I should call him that. I often wonder how far I can push him before he ships me off to some third world country. Anyway, I digress again.

In the pack order of Merry Men, Tank is Ranger's Little John. He's his second in command and the man that he trusts with his company, his back, and often me. Tank's nickname is all too fitting, he's a huge man built much like a tank. While Lester is more his Will Scarlett, you know a lethal mercenary by trade, but a light-hearted lady's man to the rest of the world. He's the only one that constantly pushes Ranger's buttons, not really caring about the consequences. You get my point, the names work well for them, but as of right now, I'm am calling the two of them my support system, the good doctor says it's important to have a strong support system. I don't know if I could find stronger than the two of them.

There was a point to my rambling, I promise. A few weeks ago I was chasing one of my FTA's. He hopped into his car and took off with me on his tail. When he hit traffic he fled on foot, of course I got out of my car and followed him through traffic, running between stopped cars toward the Delaware River. As I got closer to the bridge I felt my heart start to race and by the time I stepped onto the bridge I wasn't able to breathe, the dizziness took over and I threw up. I stood frozen, shivering, and crying.

Tank and Lester found me there, they said it was only a few minutes, but it felt like hours I was trapped there on top of that bridge, unable to move. They brought me back to my apartment, only because I refused to go to the hospital. I didn't want anyone to know I had a panic attack about crossing a bridge. That was stupid and I was embarrassed.

Later Tank told me that he and Lester took shifts sitting in my parking lot overnight, watching to make sure I was alright from a distance. I guess he hoped I'd reach out for help, but I didn't. In fact, the denial I'd been using to get by for the last month had crumbled down around me.

I couldn't answer my phone. I couldn't explain what was wrong to Joe, he'd never understand. I couldn't speak to Ranger. I knew if I heard his voice I would break more. I felt like I couldn't leave my bed. I couldn't risk my friends or my family seeing me as the broken person I was if I left the apartment, but the apartment itself wasn't safe either. I just kept reliving the moment that Ranger was shot in front of me.

After the sixth night in the parking lot Tank heard my screams. He busted into my apartment and found me screaming in my sleep. I'd had another of my recurring nightmares. He forced me to tell him what I'd been dreaming about. I started crying and didn't stop for about two hours, but he just held me and let me cry it out. When I was finally able to speak I told him about the dream.

The one that I had that night felt almost like a memory, not just a dream, but I knew it didn't happen the way I dreamt it. I was pulled from a trunk by faceless men, their voices were all a combination of people that have tried to kill me over the years. I was finally lifted over the railing of the bridge and tossed over the side. I immediately started to fall headfirst toward the rushing water of the river below me. I turned my body in the air and saw Ranger's face as he dove off the bridge toward me. He pulled me to the surface of the water and held me as he swam to the shore. As people pulled me from his arms I turned back to see him lying on the floor of my foyer. He was covered in his own blood, dying in front of my face. Hands were holding me back, not letting me go to him. I couldn't help him. Then I heard Morelli's voice telling me it was my own fault that Ranger died. If I wouldn't have been in constant danger I wouldn't have put him at risk either. It was my fault he died.

Tank held me against him once more and cursed a few words I'd never heard him speak before. That night he brought me back to his house and tucked me into his spare bed. He sat in a chair in the corner watching me sleep.

I spent the next week hiding in his spare bedroom, finding him holding me each time I woke from the nightmares. He finally convinced me to see a doctor friend of his. He said the doctor worked with all the guys at RangeMan after a difficult job or whenever they needed to work through something. I finally agreed to go, hoping I'd be able to end the nightmares and go back to my own home.

Now, two weeks into treatment, I'm still in Tank's spare bedroom. The nightmares aren't gone, but they aren't coming every time I sleep either. The doctor says tomorrow I should go out, see some of the people in my life like friends and family. I agreed to let Lester come with me and he agreed to bring me home as soon as I need to flee.

Wish me luck.


	3. Chapter 3

****Author's notes…Wow, thank you for the great responses to this story. Keep letting me know what you think. I'm finding it really difficult to stick to the POV, it's one I never tried before, so there maybe slips. Let me know what you think. Thanks so much.****

September 5

Well, I ventured out of the house today for the first time in weeks. I felt really weird going to my parent's house after a five week absence. I was terrified about what my mother was going to say to me. She wasn't the most understanding woman. When we pulled into the driveway behind my dad's taxi my family appeared in the doorway, all of them. Yikes.

Lester was driving his candy apple red Mustang, which actually brought my dad out of his chair into the driveway for a closer look under the hood. I assured Les I'd be alright in the kitchen with my mother and grandmother. They brought me the standard cup of coffee and Entenmann's coffeecake as we all sat down at the table.

Grandma smiled at me and asked how my special job was going. I nodded back and told her it was slow going, but I was alright. As soon as my mom was out of ear shot she grinned at me. "So are you really shacking up with the hottie in the driveway?"

I about choked on my coffee cake. Then tried to explain that Lester's just a friend that works for Ranger, which made her grin until her dentures threatened to fall out of her mouth.

Then she said, "Ah, you're shacking up Ranger? I'd pick him too. He's got a great package."

I about screamed back at her, "No, I'm not shacking up with anyone. Yeesh." I mean seriously, why was everything about sex with her. Sex, sex, sex. Okay, so maybe it was just making me cranky because I was getting any. Then again, I didn't really want any. I felt about as asexual as they come at the moment.

My mom came back in, obviously she had been hitting her private stash while out of the room. Then she started in with the questions. "Where have you been, Stephanie? Joseph has been looking all over for you. No one seems to know where you disappeared to."

I explained that I'd been working and I'd probably be out of touch for a few more weeks. She still needed to know about Joe so I told her I'd try to get in touch with him when I had a chance. So maybe that was an outright lie. I could call Joe now if I really wanted to. I just didn't and I wasn't planning on doing it anytime soon. Mom's questions were hard to answer, but Joe's would be a lot worse, he was trained to interrogate people.

"Where are you going and why do you need to be out of touch?" She was persistent, asking that question over and over whenever I tried to change the subject.

My answer was always the same. That it was just a job. It wasn't dangerous or anything. I just had a lot of material to go through before I could get back to normal. I told them not to worry about me. I was as safe as can be where I was. None of those things were outright lies either, but I didn't think they were completely buying it. I still wasn't prepared to tell them that I was being treated for mental illness with therapy and drugs, mom would shit bricks.

Just when I thought they were going to let it go, Grandma Mazer started and I was ready to thunk my head on the table. "Are you sure you aren't shacked up with one of them Rangemen?"

I guess technically I was shacked up with Tank. We were living together anyway. I kind of wish I was fucking him or someone. It's weird to not feel any of my normal hormones. I've even tried to diddle myself, but nothing happened. Not even the shower massage worked. I was so broken down _there_ you could parade the Rangemen in front of me naked and I don't think I'd get a tingle.

"Stephanie, are you alright? You're not sick are you?" Mom questioned. I told her that I wasn't, but I don't think she fully believed me, but she let it go.

Grandma launched into some gossip she picked up at the Clip n Curl and told me about the latest viewings, Melinda Pierce died giving birth. I didn't even know that was still a thing in this day and age. When they started talking about how poor Bobby Pierce was going to have to find a new wife to raise his baby I thought it was time to make tracks. I didn't want them to get ideas about fixing me up with the poor bastard.

All in all it went alright, I was out of there in less than an hour without much harassment. I'm sure they were wondering what was really going on, but thankfully they didn't push too much.

My second stop was at Pino's for lunch. I figured it was a good way to run into people I knew as well as get a meatball sub, which I haven't had in six weeks. Lester and I found a table at the back of the restaurant, he took the wall seat and winked when I commented on it. I know I rolled my eyes when he told me, "I got your back, Beautiful, no reason to worry."

I shook my head at Lester. He was sexy and hot and incredibly built. He liked to flirt with me and tease me mercilessly. I wondered if he tried hard enough if he would be able to ignite a fire in my panties. If I asked him to try I wondered if he'd step up to the challenge. Not that I'd ask, okay, just I didn't like the broken feeling.

The usual cast of characters were in for lunch and stopped by with a friendly hello and told me they had missed seeing me stop by the station. Eddie I believed, he was a good friend no matter what. Carl and Big Dog were another matter, I'm pretty sure they missed betting on the shape I'd be in when I brought the skips back, not to mention I haven't destroyed a car since Ranger's car was ran over by the fire truck a couple months ago, but that's another story too.

After lunch Lester drove me over to my appointment with Dr. Westin. He could tell I was in a mood as soon as I walked in. He asked what was bothering me. I blurted out that my doodah was broken.

He smiled at me and told me that the medication I was on decreased my sex drive. I rolled my eyes. The problem started before the medication, though I'm sure the pills weren't helping any. He nodded and told me that it was perfectly normal for people with depression or anxiety disorders to be uninterested in sex too.

I tried to explain that it wasn't just that I wasn't feeling anything when I was around someone attractive, it was also that I couldn't even make the magic happen when I was trying. He wanted to know how long that had been happening. A couple months, I guessed. The last couple times I had sex with Joe I just wasn't feeling it. I didn't want to disappoint him so I let him do his thing and faked it, but I couldn't even get wet much less get off.

He asked if I'd felt anything sexually since my 'accident' on the bridge. I guess he didn't want to say since I got tossed off a bridge. I shrugged at him, but he just stared me down until I answered the question. Yes. I had felt something when Ranger kissed me. He lit up my body like a Christmas tree, but nothing came of it. We weren't at a place in our relationship where we were currently, doing it. Which is a shame, especially now that it's broken. Maybe the use it or lose it rule applies to your doodah too?

Dr. Westin seems to think I don't have anything to worry about. When I start to deal with some of the anxiety or find myself in a trusting relationship I'll be just as sexually responsive as I ever was. We'll see I guess. Until then I guess I'll just walk around like a shell of a woman.


	4. Chapter 4

****Author's notes...I know this story is a little slow starting so thank you for sticking with me and the great feedback. I know she's not very trusting right now and people aren't supportive, but I guess we'll have to see if Stephanie's perception of other peoples' reactions turn out to be factual or just part of her illness. Like always thanks and let me know what you think.****

September 6

No appointment today as it's a Saturday. Tank's working this weekend so I'm home alone with the cats. Not that they are the worst company. I just don't let them in my room, I'm afraid they'll try to eat Rex, but they cuddle me every time I sit in the living room.

So out of boredom I decided to go through my cell phone. I've had it turned off for the last three weeks. I had forty minutes worth of voicemail. Connie and Mary Lou were just checking in since they hadn't seen or heard from me in 'forever'. Lula left a couple, wanting to know if I needed to be sprung from the big guy's house yet. My mother called eighteen times, so maybe I should have told her I was alright sooner. Then there were twenty-three messages from Morelli and three from Ranger.

I laid back on my bed in my thinking position. I knew I had to face them all at some point, but was I ready yet? I knew the phone would be a lot easier to deal with than face to face. Since my mom was taken care of I started with the easiest. I called my best friend Mary Lou.

She answered on the fifth ring. "Steph? Are you alright?" I could hear the kids screaming in the background followed by her husband, Lenny, bellowing for them to quit kicking the dog's balls. I didn't even want to know. I told her that I was fine. I was just having some problems with anxiety and depression. She offered to come sit with me, but I told her I just needed some alone time. We talked for a while longer, it was nice to talking about normal things for a few minutes. She ended up having to let me go, cursing that she should have gotten the fucking dog neutered. I told you I didn't want to know. She promised to call me back when they went to school Monday.

It was still early enough in the day I figured Connie would be in the office. She was usually in until noon on Saturdays. She picked up on the first ring with her nasally voice, "Vincent Plum Bail Bonds, this is Connie. How can I help you?"

I tried to come up with something that wasn't totally lame. "Hey Connie, it's Steph," was what I came up with.

"Holy crap, are you alright, hon?" Don't get me wrong, I love Connie, I just wasn't going to bet my privacy on her keeping my business to herself. So I assured her I was alright. I just needed some time off.

Then I asked if Lula had been keeping up on my FTA's even though I knew she was. Lester's been helping Lula with bounty hunting for me in his spare time. I'd be too worried about Lula if she was out on her own and he knew it. She agreed to the help without argument, since he was giving her the full bounty and was doing the hard part for her. All she had to do was haul them into the police station and agree to keep my secret about the depression. I asked Lester what Ranger thought about the arrangement, but he just shrugged and said he didn't give a shit what Ranger thought.

Connie told me that she was current on them, but wanted to know how long I was going to be out. I didn't have the answer for that so I just said I wasn't sure. I told her to say hi to Lula for me and promised to stop in when I had a chance.

I tossed the phone onto the bed next to me. I didn't know if I was ready to talk to the guys. I knew I should probably just get it over with before they heard from Connie that I had checked in. The question was who do I call? I had Morelli whose voicemail messages seemed to ramp up each day or the three from Ranger that just consisted of, "Babe, call if you need anything". God, I so didn't want to have either of those conversations. I finally decided to just get it over with and called Joe.

"Cupcake?" he answered, which is Morelli's stupid nickname for me. Don't even expect me to explain, it's so completely wrong. I just said hi back. I mean what do I say, for the most part he was still my boyfriend, just we hadn't seen one another for a month and a half.

"Where the hell are you?" I didn't want him to know where I was, because I didn't want him to show up here. I didn't want to see him. So I just told him that I was staying with a friend.

"Why haven't you answered your phone?" I could hear the irritation in his voice. I tried to tell him I was away on a job and not reachable. It worked with my mom, not so much with Joe. He said, "A job? For who? I talked to Connie. She said she had no idea where you were. Then I called fucking Ranger and he swore he didn't know where you were either."

God, he must have been desperate if he's stooped as low as to call Ranger, they didn't exactly like each other. I explained that Ranger didn't know where I was and still didn't. He was silent for a minute before asking how I got around all his trackers. I didn't want to explain that Tank disabled them and told Ranger that I was offline, but safe. So I just said that I left them in my apartment and didn't turn my phone on, no GPS to track. It wasn't that hard to disappear.

He insisted that he knew me and that I had help. He wanted to know who _he_ was. It was the typical Morelli ranting and raving. Surprisingly, I felt completely calm. The doctor said that could be one of the effects of my new medication. No bursts of temper, no peaks or valleys in my moods, and no PMS rage. Weird, right? So maybe I was being mean, I don't know, but I bit back at his nasty comment with. "No, you don't."

He screamed at me then, "So you're fucking around on me again?"

I remember rolling my eyes and sighing before I asked, "Again?"

He was clearly in a mood, he just kept yelling at me. "Ranger? Hawaii? Any of that ring a bell for you, Cupcake?" God, I hated when he used that tone with me. So maybe I was egging him on a little when I assured him that there was no way I had forgotten Ranger or Hawaii. He actually growled at me and demanded that I tell him where I was and who I was with. I just told him again that I was away and that I'd let him know when I'm ready to see him.

He was out of control by that point. He screamed at me that he didn't want me back when _he_ was done with me. I guess he'd made up his mind even before I'd called. It seemed like a quick and easy decision for him.

I told him calmly that there was no one else, even though I was getting irritated. I shouldn't have to defend myself to him. He went on to say I was in someone's bed since I wasn't in my own and there had been another man's sweatshirt in my bed. I sighed and told him that the sweatshirt belonged to Ranger, but he hadn't left it there recently. I had been sleeping in it. I guess that was too much for him, sleeping with Ranger's sweatshirt was some sort of betrayal. I don't know. He told me he was done with my bullshit. He couldn't handle being put on the back burner and lied to repeatedly. He hung up on me after that. So I guess I was dumped, at least for now.

At some point I wonder if I'll feel the sadness that should accompany his declaration. Right now all I feel is relief that I don't have to try to balance taking care of his feelings while I'm healing myself. I don't know if I'll ever feel the need to tell him the truth, about my condition that is. There is the possibility that he'd understand and our relationship could go back to a standstill like before or there's the possibility that he'll just get in my face and say I told you so about my job hurting me. The thing was, I didn't know if it mattered to me anymore. I just felt kind of numb again.

I grabbed the phone and hit the speed dial one button. Get it all over with, like ripping off a bandage right? He answered on the second ring with a Yo.

I tried to be breezy so I just said, "Hey Ranger."

"Babe." I guess that meant he wasn't angry with me, or who really knows when he answers me like that. I told him that I got his messages and just wanted to let him know that I was alright. He told me that Tank had let him know I was alright and thanked me for a least checking in with Tank before I took off. I sensed he felt a little hurt that I'd talked to Tank instead of him, but it was just hard to tell with Ranger sometimes.

I didn't know what else to say to him. It felt like too much to explain to him all that happened to me or maybe I just didn't know how to do it. I asked him if I could call him again. He told me to call him anytime. Then we hung up.

I laid there crying to myself. I don't know how to explain to anyone, even myself that just hearing his voice was enough to break something inside of me. I wanted him here with me. I needed him to help me beat this thing, but I couldn't tell him what was wrong with me. I wish I could make this make sense. My head is so fucked up right now.


	5. Chapter 5

****Author's notes, thanks so much for the great reviews and feedback you've given. I love hearing from you all.** **

September 7

Sunday, no plans, no appointment, nothing. I curled up on the couch and put on a marathon of Tabatha's Salon Takeover. I wondered what Mr. Alexander would do if she showed up at his place. It'd probably be pretty funny. I bet he'd beat her ass. Yeah, I wasn't really having very deep thoughts. I kind of felt like my brain was going to mush.

Thank God Tank surprised me by coming home from work early. I think he was concerned after he found me all weepy and confused after the phone calls I'd made yesterday, but he said it was just because it was slow on Sundays and the guys would call him if he was needed. I wondered if Ranger knew he took off early. I doubted that he'd like that.

Shortly after Tank got home Lester showed up with Chinese takeout and a twelve pack of Coke. We all sat around the dining table sharing the deep fried, heavily sauced chicken and fried rice. Mmm. It smelled really good, but like everything else, when I went to eat it, it didn't really have a flavor and my appetite disappeared before my food was half gone. I could tell the guys exchanged a look when I dumped my uneaten food in the trash, but there was nothing I could do about it. I just wasn't hungry.

They tried to keep the evening light. After dinner they set up Scrabble and we played two games. The first Tank won and the second I won, by eighty-three points, after I dropped the word gonads on the board, twice, both on a triple word scores. Yeah, I thought the Scrabble gods were having fun with me too, giving me that word when mine were shriveled up and worthless anymore, but I didn't want to ruin the guys fun so I just put on a smile and pretended I was fine.

I was surprised when Lula dropped by with some DVD's and popcorn, but Tank didn't seem surprised at all. I kind of wondered if they were hooking up again, but I figured if they wanted me to know they'd tell me.

She hugged me like she hadn't seen me in years and whispered to me that she started taking allergy pills so the cats didn't bother her anymore. It actually made me laugh to think about the stupid excuse they'd used to end their engagement. Then that got me thinking about all the stupid reasons Joe and I had used to end our relationship, over and over.

Do you leave the person you love because they threw away your peanut butter or forgot to buy a loaf of bread? I doubted it, at least sane people didn't. I wondered if we'd picked the fight yesterday on purpose too. I know I could have been honest with him about my problems, but I didn't want to. I wanted him to have an excuse to walk away. I thought about what Ranger once told me, he said Joe and I had an unhealthy pattern of behavior. Wasn't that the truth, but what about Ranger and me, wasn't our pattern of behavior just as messed up? Maybe it was just me that didn't know how to have a relationship. They both seemed like sensible, smart men when I wasn't involved.

Lula shook my arm and asked where the hell I had gone, I just shrugged at her. "You call Batman yet?" she asked. Batman was our nickname for Ranger. It wasn't really far off either, he was all dark and mysterious, his car looked like the Batmobile, his building wasn't far off from being the Batcave, he could go from the black clad superhero to the Armani suit wearing CEO in seconds, and he had that whole secret, tragic past thing that he wouldn't share, but spent his time trying to save the world anyway.

I told her that I'd called him yesterday, but when I heard his voice I couldn't talk. She just made a face. She suggested that we invite him over here so I could see him. She thought it'd be easier to talk to him in person, I thought she was crazy. I felt like I was barely holding it together with the three of them. I didn't think I could face the emotions that came along with seeing Ranger, especially since I didn't know how he'd react to my illness. I didn't want him to see me this way.

Lula told me to try again, it'd get easier. She seemed to think he wouldn't judge, because he never judged his friends. She said he was the only one that would pick me up dirty, covered in trash, and smelling like shit and still tell me he was proud of me. Huh, I guess she wasn't wrong, but that was when I was working and catching the bad guys. There wasn't much to be proud of at the moment. I wasn't strong enough to handle the job he'd spent so much time and trouble teaching me to do.

We loaded up the first movie which was Coming to America, Lula said it was her Ghostbusters. I have to admit that it was a really funny movie, one I couldn't help laugh at. After a short break and food and drink replenishment we all settled back down for the second movie, Rush Hour.

I'd ended up with Lester on the loveseat since Lula and Tank seemed comfortably snuggled on the couch when we came back into the room. Les poked me and pointed toward the couch a half dozen times, each time Tank and Lula looked a little more cozy until they decided they were tired and went to bed, together.

Lester and I waited until we heard the door close before we both started laughing. It felt good to laugh. He turned sideways on the loveseat and hauled me between his legs so I was lying against his chest. Then he asked how I was really doing. That was a great question.

I told him I thought I was doing better than I had been doing, but I wouldn't say I was actually doing better. He seemed to get quiet after that. I wondered what he was thinking, finally he asked me why I was scared to talk to Ranger. If I knew the answer to that question I'd be talking to him by now.

He seemed to have the same opinion as Lula, he thought that I should call Ranger to come over or meet him for lunch or something. I asked if he was getting sick of babysitting me. I figured there was a reason he was trying to pawn me off on Ranger. He told me he'd never get sick of me, but he didn't think he was what I needed. He told me that Ranger had been my real support system for the last five years. That made me stop to think. Was he? More importantly did he want to be?

After the movie Lester and I took a walk, I figured I was safe enough, like all the RangeMan guys Les made me feel physically safe. By the time we got back all was quiet from Tank's den of love, yikes. I crawled into bed totally exhausted that night.

Lester knocked and came in a minute later with my phone. He laid the phone next to my pillow and kissed my cheek. "Steph, call him to say goodnight. I know he doesn't show it, but he worries too." Then he walked away.

I picked up the phone and held it in my fist for a few minutes before I laid it on the pillow next to me. A few minutes later I turned it on. Another ten minutes and I was still awake, so I picked up the phone. It was another ten minutes before I pushed the speed dial button.

This time he didn't pick up with his usual yo, he just said, "Babe?"

I just said hi back. I wasn't sure what I was doing or why I called. I just couldn't get him out of my mind. I think a minute of silence passed between us before he asked if I was alright. For the first time I felt like I wasn't lying to someone, instead of my standard fine, I said, "No. I'm scared."

"Where are you? Are you in danger?" I could tell he was moving, probably ready to come get me.

I told him I was safe, at least not in any danger. Then I asked if Tank had video security at his house. Ranger never stumbles over his words, but I did hear a pause before he told me that he had a camera in the front hall. I got out of bed and walked back into the living room and stood in the front hall, looking at the camera. "Pull up the camera," I told him.

I heard him laugh before he said, "Babe, are those Batman underpants?"

I laughed back, I'd forgotten to put pants on so I was just in a black tank and Batman panties. I told him I just wanted him to know that I was safe. He asked where Tank was, so I told him about the movie and Lula and his escape to the bedroom halfway through the film.

I went back to bed as I relaxed into conversation with him. He told me about a big account he was working on and how Hector had gotten shocked and knocked on his ass during an installation because he didn't disconnect the power supply, though he was fine, just pissed off. I finally told him that I was trying to work through some stuff and Tank gave me a place to hide out.

He kept me on the phone for close to two hours, talking about everything and nothing. I knew what Ella had made for dinner and about her attempt to sneak sweets in for Cal's birthday, which Ranger said he only pretended to get mad about. He told me about a new gun he picked up, it could blow the faces off his paper men at the range with one bullet. He told me that he smelled my perfume on Lester Friday and had to stop himself from sniffing him every time he walked by. That made me feel kind of gooey inside.

"I really miss you, Babe," he told me after that.

Definitely gooey. "I miss you too, Ranger," I said back. We didn't say anything after that, I fell asleep with the phone on the pillow next to me.

I woke at five to the sound of an alarm. Then I realized that it was coming from over the phone. "Ranger?" I asked picking it up.

"Sorry. I didn't mean to wake you. It's time for the gym," he told me. I asked if he'd slept. He said he slept better than he had in weeks. Then he told me to go back to sleep and promised to talk to me later in the day.

Of course, I was equal parts excited and terrified to talk to him again, so I told him goodbye and got up and made some caramel coffee in Tank's fancy little Keurig machine and decided to write in here. Maybe I'll take a nap, I have a few hours before my appointment with Dr. Westin.

_****Sound off, this is written from a diary POV...would you like to see me use more dialogue within the chapters? I find it hard not to use more when she interacts with Ranger, but wasn't sure if it was appropriate for the style. Give me your opinion. Thanks so much.** **_


	6. Chapter 6

September 8

Lula drove me in for my session after a four hour nap. The guys had their usual Monday morning meeting at work and she was still there anyway. Dr. Westin asked me how I thought I was doing. I told him I wasn't sure. He just gave me a look, so I knew we weren't moving on until I answered. So I told him I didn't think I was doing very well. I told him that I felt scared all the time. He asked what scared me. That was easy, everything. He nodded at me and asked me what scared me the most. That wasn't as easy, but I finally managed to tell him what scared me the most wasn't that the danger in my life would kill me, but that it would kill the people I loved.

He seemed thoughtful as he looked at me. The doctor asked me to tell him about the times my life had been in danger at the hands of another person. I asked him if he was serious, I didn't have a daylong appointment. He didn't waver though, he just said, "Stephanie, who was the first man to threaten you with violence?"

As soon as I heard myself say the name Benito Ramirez, I felt myself start to shake. The words started to flow out of my mouth, the threats, the stalking, how he raped and tortured Lula and left her as a 'gift' for me. Everything that was done to her was because of me. I told him about how Morelli and I had captured him and I felt like I was on top of the world for putting him behind bars, until he got out and came after me again. The only comfort I took was that he was dead now. I knew jail wouldn't have stopped him from coming for me again and again.

He asked me if I'd lost faith in the system that I was working for. I'd say most of the time the system was just what was needed, for most of my FTA's, but every so often there would be someone that I knew the system would never hold or stop. Those were the people I wanted dead. Dr. Westin made a note of something and moved on.

He asked about the danger my FTA's brought on a daily basis. I told him that there was always a threat that they could hurt me or kill me. He asked me why I would keep doing it if it put me in danger. I shrugged, I'd tried to quit a few times, but the danger followed me and I was afraid that Lula would get hurt doing it by herself so I always went back, just to keep an eye on her. I felt like she was in more danger alone than I was. At least if I was in any danger I could call for back-up, but I was her only back-up. Besides it wasn't the FTAs that were so scary even with the few close calls I had, it was the stalkers that had really scared me.

Dr. Westin asked if that was stalkers, plural. I know it sounds crazy, but yeah, it was plural, multiple times plural. I told him about Eddie Abruzzi, he may have been the scariest, maybe because he was the first or the craziest. I don't know, but that was the first time I spoke to someone about what it was like to have him do the freaky shit he did to me. It was also the first time I told someone that I didn't think he had committed suicide. I thought someone had killed him to keep me safe.

He asked me what I thought of someone taking a life for me. I had to stop to think for a minute. I knew it made me sound like a bad Christian, but it made me feel safer. It also made me feel grateful. When I was threatened everything inside of me screamed out to kill the person threatening me. It was one of the reasons I didn't like to carry my gun. It had been too easy to kill Jimmy Alpha and I sensed it would become easier and easier the more I did it. Having someone do it for me felt like they weren't only saving my life, but they were saving a little bit of my soul. The thing that seemed to nag at the back of my mind was that if they were saving my soul it had to be at the expense of their own.

He asked what I thought about that. It made me feel like shit is how it made me feel. I didn't want to keep getting myself into situations that put me in danger, but they kept following me no matter what I did or where I went. I felt like the stalking never stopped, it just followed me no matter what. I felt like just by being near me I was putting not only other people's lives in danger, but like I said their souls too. How could someone care enough to do something like that, for me? I wasn't worth it.

The doctor just nodded to me. Then he quietly muttered that someone thought I was worth it. Then he said that I couldn't blame myself for the choices of other adults. If they chose to hurt me or chose to endanger themselves to save me, those were their decisions and I shouldn't feel guilty about that. I snorted, that was easier said than done. I knew if something happened to one of my friends because of me I wouldn't be able to live through that, not again.

The doctor just quirked and eyebrow at me and wrote something down. Then he asked me to continue telling him about the danger my life has been in.

I moved onto my run in with The Slayers and Junkman, the doctor seemed shocked, though he didn't say anything, maybe not a lot of his patients had hits put out on them. Then I wondered if he remembered seeing the news stories about the bus driver taking out a street gang. Poor Sally, another person that had killed for me.

He asked me how I dealt with the terror of having an assassin after me. You can't deal with that terror, you ignored it, or at least I did. I told him I found a secure place to hide. He nodded at me to continue. I told him about Ranger's apartment and how being there made me feel safe and secure even when he wasn't there. He asked how I felt when he was there. I think I felt my face turn bright red, but answered honestly. I never felt unsafe when Ranger was near me.

He asked me if I felt like Ranger had saved me. I told him that Ranger had been the backup I'd been referring to earlier, helping with my FTA's. I explained how he was always there when someone tried to hurt me, he was always there when my cars blew up, he always took care of me. I told him about when he found me after Stiva locked me up in the cupboard. I told him about how he got to me after Clyde kidnapped me. Then I started to talk about Scrog, but I couldn't do it for some reason. I suddenly felt the panic return.

Dr. Westin changed the subject, getting me to talk about Ranger's apartment again. After I calmed down he told me that he thought Ranger and his space were a safe place in my mind. He asked me if I had spoken to him about how I was feeling or talked to him about staying with him until I felt better. I told him I couldn't do that. Ranger wouldn't appreciate the interruption to his life. He smiled at me softly and told me if all I said about Ranger was true I was wrong, but there was only one way to find out. He gave me homework. He wants me to speak with Ranger about my condition. How embarrassing would that be?

After I told Tank about the session he agreed that I should speak with Ranger. I said no, but he said I needed to do this and would thank him someday. So tonight, Ranger is coming over to Tank's house for dinner. I'm so scared I don't know if I'll be able to eat. I may barf.

** **Thanks for the feedback and encouragement you've given me. I love to hear your thoughts on my writing.****


	7. Chapter 7

September 9—1:30 am

I had locked myself in my bedroom when it got close to the time Ranger was expected to stop over. I did my hair and make-up and changed my clothes four times before I finally just settled on a pair of dark wash skinny jeans and a semi-shear, floral peasant top layered over an ivory camisole. I don't know why my vanity was so important at that moment, like Lula reminded me yesterday Ranger was used to seeing me covered in filth, but I felt like I needed it. It was kind of like needing those extra layers of mascara. I could pretend it was a mask to hide behind and right now I really wanted to hide.

Tank knocked on my bedroom door a little after eight o'clock with a loud shout, "Hey, little girl. We got company." I felt like I'd swallowed a rock and it settled right in the center of my stomach. I wanted to climb out the window and run as fast as I could, but in the end I went to the door.

I opened it to find both of them standing in the hall. I'm not sure what Tank had told him about what was going on and I wasn't really sure what his reaction was to me since that stupid blank face of his was on in full force. Ranger finally asked if he could come in. I nodded and moved aside so he could enter. Tank winked and closed the door, leaving us alone. I was pretty annoyed, the butthead had totally set me up here. Now I had to speak to Ranger. I wouldn't have been surprised to find guards at the door so I wouldn't escape.

I finally sighed and accepted what I had to do. "Um, did you want to sit?" I asked. This time Ranger nodded back at me. We sat side by side, on the double bed that occupied the small room, in silence for a long time, like neither of us were able to start a conversation.

He finally looked at me and smiled. "So you've really been living with Tank this whole time?" I nodded again, hoping he wasn't angry that I'd moved in with his best friend. "You're a brave woman, Babe. Most of the guys wouldn't live with him for hazard pay." With that the tension was broken. I couldn't help but smile back at him. "He told me you haven't been feeling well?"

I nodded again, apparently I was having trouble speaking and oddly enough Mr. Silent was doing the talking for us both. I took a deep breath and tried to find my voice. "Tank and Lester found me in the middle of a panic attack a few weeks ago." He moved his hand over mine, giving me a little more strength to go on. "I've been having problems with some nightmares and stuff too."

"Are you seeing someone about it?" he finally asked. I nodded again which made him get that almost smile of his. "I think I know how you feel when we're on a stake out now."

I don't know why, but the thought of him trying to bug me into talking on a stake out made me laugh, hard. Before I knew it I told him I was seeing Dr. Westin.

"What kind of treatment is he using?" he asked me. I tried to pull my hand away from him. I didn't want to admit the rest. I was still really embarrassed. "Babe, let me in. Please."

I closed my eyes then. He knew that I couldn't ignore him when he asked me nicely, but I also couldn't look at him when I answered. I couldn't bare to see the disappointment in his face. Finally I told him about the anti-depressant medication he put me on and this journal he was having me keep, plus the sessions I was going to.

He squeezed my hand gently in response. "I've been treated for depression and PTSD with medication too."

I opened my eyes and looked at him then. I know I wasn't able to hide the shock his words brought to my face. "Really?" I asked thinking I'd heard him wrong.

"Yeah, really," he answered. We sat there quietly for a few minutes before he continued. "You're feeling weak and embarrassed, aren't you?" I could only agree with a head shake. "I was too. It took me a long time to admit there was something wrong with me because I didn't want people to think less of me."

I couldn't believe he thought that. No one would think less of him. He's a hero. So I told him that. It was all I could say. He was a soldier and the bravest man I knew. I couldn't imagine anyone thinking him weak or him feeling that way for that matter.

He smiled at me and touched my cheek with his finger, giving me little tingles all over. "No, Babe, I'm just a man. I saw some terrible things and lost some good friends throughout my career. I needed help dealing with my feelings."

I nodded back. I guess that's what I'm trying to do now. I never dealt with my feelings at the time things happened, but now I can't seem to shut them off. Knowing Ranger understood what I was feeling gave me the strength to speak the words I'd been so terrified to say an hour ago. "My doctor asked me to speak with you. He said you're the person I trust the most and feel the safest with. He thinks you should be part of my support team."

His hand tightened around mine again. "Of course I will," he said. I didn't look at him as he spoke, but I felt the support through that connection. "Babe, come home with me?" he asked.

I felt tears start to gather in my eyes. I didn't want him doing this out of pity and I didn't want to ruin the friendship we had by imposing on him. I couldn't lose him and I was afraid going with him would do just that, it'd end what little we had. "Please," he asked.

I didn't know what to say. I wanted to say yes, I really did, it was just so much so fast. "Do you really want me in your space? I'm not stable and I get ugly when I cry and I might be clingy and I haven't been sleeping very well," I said arguing against the idea.

He just moved closer to me and turned my face toward his with his free hand. He looked me directly in the eyes and just waited. What I saw in his eyes was anything but a blank look. There was a tenderness there I hadn't seen before. Then he spoke to me in a low, steady voice. "I know the process, Steph. I want you with me." I swallowed hard, the way he spoke left no doubt that he was telling the truth. This really was all up to me now. "Do you want to be with me?"

I nodded and whispered, "Yes." He squeezed my hand again before pulling me against him. He just hugged me for a long time.

Then he stood and pulled out my duffle. I stood too and asked him what he was doing. He just smiled at me and said taking you home. He started tossing my clothes into the bag like he was shooting baskets. I silently laughed. I guess when Ranger decides he wants something, nothing was going to stop him, and apparently he wanted to take me home with him, now.

After loading all my stuff into his car we sat down with Tank and had a pizza and the guys had a couple beers while we watched the Monday night football game. It was a lot more comfortable than I would have thought.

One thing I'd learned living with Tank during pre-season is that he loves to watch football, especially The Jets. What I learned tonight was that Ranger had season tickets to all The Patriots games. He said he used them to take clients out when he was working up in Boston, but hadn't been to a game in a couple years now. He usually gifted the tickets to the guys. I think they saw me get excited, because the next thing I knew they made plans to all go up for the Patriots and Jets game in a few weeks. Cool, right?

You know what else was cool. It really felt like a night of just hanging out with my friends, not only did they not talk about my mental problems, but for the first time in forever, I didn't think about it for a couple hours straight. That was when that I realized what good friends they both were. When I told them that they both smiled and told me I was part of the family. I rolled my eyes at them. I'd never felt sisterly toward Ranger I can tell you that.

At the end of the night Ranger said I should drive home since he had a few beers. I knew he wasn't drunk from two beers, he wasn't me, but I wasn't about to argue about driving. He had his Porsche Turbo 911, my absolute favorite car in the entire world. So I did my little happy dance and took the keys.

Tank gave me a big hug and told me he was going to miss me. I hugged him back, laying my head against his chest I felt like a little girl. He patted my curls before he moved to open the driver's door for me. I thanked him for everything he did for me. I knew I'd never be able to repay his kindness. He grinned back at me and said, "Hey, there's no price for what we give each other. You don't have to repay shit. We're family." I nodded back to him before climbing behind the wheel.

I made my adjustments to the seat and thought about what he said. It made me rethink the meaning of the same words coming out of Ranger's mouth at one point. I wondered if he'd meant them the same way as Tank. I looked over at him. He was buckled into the passenger seat with Rex on his lap. He smiled at me and wrapped his arms around the cage like he was protecting my baby. It was too cute and kind of made me feel a little gooey inside. "Let's go home, Babe," he told me.

I started the Porsche and had to contain the moan that was ready to escape my lips. Did I mention how much I loved this car? Then we were off to my new home, away from home. He reached over and hit the button on the key fob as I pulled to the gate of the parking garage. Then his hand settled on my knee. I looked over at him and he smiled again, a real one, the 200 watter, wow. I really didn't know what that was about, but I liked it.

I pulled into his empty spot right next to the elevator and looked up at the security cameras that looked into the car. His apartment was on the top floor of his building, his business took up the other floors. As owner of a security company he has the best security system money can buy, plus the best men in the industry to man the monitors twenty-four hours a day. So I knew we were being watched. I smiled and finger waved to the guys on duty. Ranger told me to quit teasing his men, but I personally felt it'd be rude to not acknowledge that I knew they were there.

I got out and took Rex. He unloaded my bags and carried them to the elevator with me following behind. I still had the keys so I used his key fob to gain access to the seventh floor and open his apartment door for him.

I dropped his keys on the tray by the door and locked the door behind him. I settled Rex onto the kitchen counter and found a baby carrot in the fridge to feed him while Ranger took my bags into the bedroom. I sat on the couch to wait. It felt like it'd be too weird to follow him into the bedroom, even if I was going to live here. I guess I'd have to get used to sharing a space with him again. It wasn't like it was the first time we'd cohabitated. There was no reason this would be any different, right?

He came back out a few minutes later wearing sweat pants and carrying a tee shirt in his hand. I swallowed hard at the sight. The thing about Ranger is as safe as he makes me feel he also makes me feel weak, usually in the knees.

So as I stood there ogling the poor man in his own living room I began to wonder if I had made a really bad decision. I may have mentioned before that he was built like a god, but I can't stress enough that this is not an over exaggeration. The sweat pants hung low on his hips revealing an obscene amount of that beautiful mocha latte skin that I love so much. Without the shirt you are drawn to that skin even more. It covers his wide shoulders and long arms and a perfectly sculpted chest and abs that I swear have more of an eight pack than six like other muscly guys. I was sure my mouth was watering.

He smiled at me like he knew what I was thinking, but he didn't comment. He just tossed the tee shirt over the arm of the couch and plopped down next to me. Then he did the unthinkable. He pulled me against him and kissed my forehead. "Why don't you go put your pajamas on and we'll cuddle up and watch a movie." I must have been gape mouthed as I blinked at him. I was struggling to put the words he said to the man next to me. Finally he just lifted me to my feet and slapped my ass as he pushed me in the direction of the bedroom.

I fumbled through my bags for pajamas. I didn't know what was appropriate to wear for a night of snuggling on the couch with Batman. Who would have the answer to that? I finally settled on a pair of black polar fleece pants and a soft pink tee shirt with a scoop neck. I pulled my hair up into a messy bun, nothing worse than trying to cuddle with my hair in everyone's faces, and washed my make-up off. I grimaced at myself in the mirror. I guess I'd have to get used to him seeing me without the mask too.

He surprised me yet again when I stepped out of the bedroom and found him on the couch with a super soft looking blue blanket and a giant tub of popcorn. As I walked over to the couch he looked me up and down, then patted the spot next to him. He started up Ghostbusters and winked at me when I asked if he owned this DVD.

I dozed during the movie, but it wasn't my fault, the blanket was warm and I was totally cozy snuggled against his side. I woke when he carried me to bed. The thing about Ranger's apartment was that it was a one bedroom, one bed set up, and the man's bed was a piece of heaven, with cloud like pillows, thousand thread count sheets, and a down comforter.

He settled me into my side of the bed and sat next to me, leaning down so his face was only a few inches away from mine. He looked at me like he was trying to read me for something. Then he asked me if I'd prefer it if he slept on the couch. That was a big move for Ranger, he wasn't the couch kind of guy, ever. I shook my head no and finally admitted that I'd sleep better if I was able to touch him. I know just saying that probably turned my face the shade of a tomato, but it was what I wanted.

"I'd like to touch you too," he told me before he kissed my cheek and got off the bed. He told me he was going to take a shower first. I tried to snuggle into the bed and sleep, but I wasn't feeling it. I decided to write down what happened while I waited for him. It seemed like a better alternative than imagining him naked or what it would be like sleeping next to him tonight and tomorrow and the next night. Those were dangerous thoughts indeed.

****Thank you again for your feedback and reviews. I really appreciate it.****


	8. Chapter 8

****Author's note...I wasn't going to update so quickly, but I think this chapter was ready to go already. Hope you enjoy the other side of this story, we're starting it now. Thanks.** **

September 9

_So this is what Dr. Westin calls a thought journal. I've never written down my thoughts or feelings before. I wouldn't want anyone to ever find something like this. In the wrong hands, my feelings could be used as a weapon against me. Hell, I've spent most of my adult life pretending that I didn't have personal feelings. _

_It was never hard to pretend, before. I've become a master at masking myself behind a blank stare. Most people think I'm a broken, unfeeling, monster or machine instead of a human being and I've never cared to correct their opinion of me, before. It wasn't like they were too off target anyway and it kept everyone at arm's length, never close enough to see the real person inside, until now. Now I have to learn to quit hiding my feelings and pretending I don't care for the one person I love. It's time to try to let Stephanie in my life. The thing is I don't know if I know how._

_Dr. Ben Westin and I have been working together for about seven years now. Before my visit this morning it'd been almost a year and a half since I'd stepped foot into his office. I wanted to talk about Stephanie. He just smiled at me and told me that she had the same patient confidentiality that I had. It was annoying, but I understood. I wouldn't want him discussing my problems with her. Instead he told me to tell him about Stephanie. My first thought was Ah, FUCK! My second thought was that I had to get my shit together to be able to help her, so I went with it._

_First he asked how we met. I smiled at that. The memory of her coming into the diner to ask for help was about one of the cutest things I could remember seeing. She was a pretty little thing, dressed so inappropriately for bounty hunting I thought Connie must have been setting me up as some sort of joke. I soon figured out Stephanie Plum was nothing but brutally honest with me. She was broke, near starving, and soon to be homeless. She needed the job and money and wasn't joking about wanting to bring in a fucking cop wanted for murder. _

_If I hadn't known Joe Morelli before he was charged with murder I would have just taken the case and had her help me with it, but I figured she was safe enough. He was a decent guy, he wouldn't hurt the girl. I didn't think she stood a chance in hell of bringing him in, but I was wrong on that too. She was tougher than I thought she was. Not only that, I found her mind fascinating. She followed trails, picked up clues, and got people to talk to her that would never speak to me unless I beat them for the information. That was when I decided I'd train her for real. If she could get fit and learn some standard self-defense she'd be just fine on her own. Like everything else with Stephanie, training her wasn't easy, but I did what she'd let me do. _

_Ben just smiled at me as I spoke about her. Then he asked what I considered Stephanie. I raised my eyebrow at him. He said is she like a sister, a friend, a coworker? For the first time I sat there trying to put words to my relationship with Steph. I suddenly found myself telling him that she was my student, my coworker, my employee, my companion, my lover, my salvation, my strength, my life. She was my best friend, my Babe. _

_He smiled at me then and nodded his head. He asked if she was the angel I spoke of visiting before and after jobs. I could only nod back at him. Those nights I spent watching Steph sleep brought a sense of peace to my soul I'd never found before, but Ben knew all about that from previous sessions. _

_He brought me out of my thoughts by asking about the danger that Stephanie had been in over the last few years. I told him about the skips and stalkers with a cold detachment. When I was done he told me to tell him how I felt when she was hurt. I couldn't stop the laugh that escaped my lips. There wasn't an easy word for the way I felt. I was a mass of emotions ranging from hurt and anger to panic. I needed to be with her, breaking land speed records to be by her side. I wanted to kill the bastard that hurt her. I wanted to wrap her in my arms and hide her away from the rest of the world so no one could touch her again. Mostly I felt like I failed her every time she was hurt. I needed to protect her and failed._

_Then he asked me if I was angry at Stephanie because she couldn't keep herself safe. I'd never been angry at her, I didn't think. I'd been angry that she wouldn't let me train her. I'd get angry that she wouldn't let me put her in a safe house. I'd been angry that she'd try to lose the guys I put on her. I'd been angry that she wouldn't listen to me. Then he asked me how I dealt with the anger I felt when she put herself in danger and wouldn't take the help I offered. I closed my eyes as I realized that I had been angry at her, really angry. I didn't want to lash out at her or yell like Morelli so I walked away. I pushed her toward Morelli or sent her off with Tank. I left her there at each police scene, because I didn't know how to deal with being angry at her. _

_When I quietly said, "Fuck my life." Ben nodded at me again and told me that Stephanie and I are not as different as we think we are. He told me that she was writing her feelings in a journal and thought I'd benefit from the same exercise. I agreed, reluctantly, to do this, since I made the decision to do anything I could for Steph. So we made another morning appoint for Friday and as promised I am starting the journal, though I don't know what it'll help in the end. _


	9. Chapter 9

September 9—230 pm

I woke early this morning with Ranger still in bed with me. We had flipped over some time during the night so he was spooned against my back. I was using his arm as a pillow while his other arm was around my waist, his hand resting just under my breast. I knew the moment he woke, but he didn't move his hand away or move his erection from against my bottom, he was just still. We laid there for a good half hour before I moved my hand over his and laced our fingers together. "Thank you for taking care of me," I whispered to him.

He lifted his head and brought his lips to my neck, kissing me lightly under the ear. Then he just whispered back, "De nada." He finally told me he had to run out for a little bit, but he'd wake me for breakfast when he got home. He kissed my cheek before he left the bed and I dozed back off to sound of his shower running.

I woke again to the smell of bacon. I went into the kitchen just in time to catch Ella bringing in breakfast. She smiled when she saw me and gave me a hug. She told me she was truly excited when Ranger told her I was moving in with him. Then she asked if I was in danger again. That made me wonder how to explain this to everyone. It's not like all the people in the building didn't already know I'd moved in here. Would they be worried I was in physical danger again? Should I say something to the guys? Did Ranger already explain to them? My worries were starting to take over my thoughts.

He came in five minutes later, kissed my cheek, and we sat down for breakfast together. I sat there thinking about all that while we ate, but I didn't bring it up until he was ready to go down to his office. I practically chased him to the door and yelled, "What are you going to tell the guys about me living here?"

I couldn't read the look he gave me, but he finally shrugged, which was weird for Ranger, then he said, "I just told them that we decided to live together." I didn't know what to think about that. On one hand they didn't know about my health issues, but on the other they thought we were, yikes, shacking up (not to steal the idea from Grandma Mazer or anything). Seriously though, yikes. "Listen, if or when you're ready to tell the guys about the situation you can, but our personal lives are none of their business. They won't talk about us outside this building."

So many things started to flood my mind then. What about the respect his guys had for him, wouldn't a live in woman hurt that? What about the time he spent with me, wasn't that taking away from his job? Or his personal life, what if he had to take time away from a girlfriend or lover or some other woman to be with me? All because I was invading his space with my illness. I didn't belong here.

I ran into the closet and started to repack the clothes that Ella had hung up for me last evening. I'd gotten two shirts off the hangers before Ranger lifted me and carried me into the bedroom. He sat on the bed and settled me onto his lap. We just sat for a few minutes until I felt like I could breathe again. I hadn't even realized I was having an anxiety attack. "Did I do something wrong?" he asked.

I tried to find the words, but they were all jumbled and kind of came out like this, "I can't impose on you. The guys, and work, and your, you know, what if, um, you know, you want to see someone, else?"

He picked up my hand, holding it in his before he spoke. "You're not imposing. The guys love you, always have. My office is two floors away and I have nothing extensive planned outside the office for the next few weeks," he assured me. "Maybe when you're feeling up to it you can come along to some of the installation sites or look through some of the prospective clients' properties with me?" That all seemed pretty reasonable and it didn't really scare me, at least not in the abstract. So I told him okay. He smiled then and kissed my forehead before he spoke again. "There is no one else I want to see. You're the only woman that has ever been in my home," he said before correcting, "our home."

I asked him if he was sure. I really, really didn't like the idea of him with another woman, but I had no right to object to it either. At least not one that made sense. I wasn't with him that way so I figured someone was. Guys couldn't just go without sex that long, or at least Joe couldn't. I guess I had no idea what Ranger's sex life was like, but I really didn't want to either. I felt my heart beating erratically again and my chest hurt so badly.

"Stephanie," Ranger said laying me back onto the bed. "Close your eyes and relax. You're having a panic attack." I followed his instructions. "I'm sorry if I rushed things." I shook my head no and told him that wasn't it.

He laid down beside me, turning me so he could rub my back gently. Then he started to tell me how he bought this building. He said it was just a generic office building at the time. He drew up floor plans for each floor and hired a contractor to make the changes he needed. Then he told me he originally put the apartments on four in for Tank, Bobby, and Lester since they were his only employees for the first year or so. He said that this apartment had been the hardest for him to make a floor plan for, but he thought it was functional. I smiled at that, his apartment was more than functional. He told me he had Ella work with the contractor on the colors and materials used inside the apartment, then she went shopping for the furniture. All he had to do was choose between the photos she showed him. Then he kissed my shoulder and told me that this place wasn't a home when he was alone.

I wondered what he meant by that, but I was too scared to ask so I just nodded back at him. When my panic attack started to ebb he asked about my appointment with Dr. Westin. I was due to be there in an hour, so he called Tank and told him that he was going to be offline until after lunch and I'd be with him.

Ranger drove me over to my doctor appointment. Dr. Westin seemed surprised to see us in the waiting room together. He just nodded to Ranger and had me come back and settle in. Then he said that my discussion with Ranger must have gone well. I told him that I didn't actually do much talking.

He asked me to tell him about it. I didn't think there was much to say. Tank made the call and invited him over. I told him a little about the depression and nightmares and Ranger did the rest. He packed me and moved me into his apartment without a second thought.

He nodded like he didn't completely believe what I'd just said, but he moved on by asking how I felt being in Ranger's space. I wasn't really sure how to explain that. I felt a little overwhelmed, not by the space or even Ranger, but by the things I was feeling. I tried to describe it, but it was hard to put words to. It was like all my emotions were bigger, more sensitive or something, and the thoughts mostly turned to worries. Everything was worrying me and there were more thoughts and worries going through my head than I could keep up with. I felt like I couldn't think about one thing, before another was taking over.

He asked me what was worrying me. I said Ranger. I felt like I was imposing and invading his space. I felt like he was going to resent it, but not be able to ask me to leave. I felt like he was going to have to sacrifice his work and personal life to help me. I felt like by just being there I might ruin his relationships with his men or jeopardize his business reputation. Dr. Westin just looked at me like he was waiting for more. I thought I'd shared enough.

When I didn't continue he asked me how Ranger made me feel, like if I forgot about all the things I was worrying about, how Ranger made me feel. At first I told him I didn't know what I felt, but he pushed me. He said to focus on just my honestly feelings, without trying to analyze them or change them, how did he make me feel? I thought about the way he brought me home without question. That made me feel like I was important and special. The way he held me while we watched the movie made me feel cared for. Then the way that he held me in his arms while we slept, that made me feel safe, like the dreams couldn't hurt me. Finally I settled on the time we spent in bed this morning. The way his body felt against mine, the way he held me, the way he looked at me. I couldn't deny the feeling that filled me, I felt loved.

I started laughing when I said that. The doctor wanted me to explain why I thought that was funny. My only answer for that was that I was worried about falling in love with Ranger, because he'd never love me back. I told him I was setting myself up to be hurt.

He wrote something down in his notebook and nodded to me before he spoke again. He asked if I trusted Ranger. I said yes. I always trusted him with secrets or advice or jobs or my life. He nodded to me then and told me that I trusted Ranger in every other way, it was time I thought about why I wouldn't give him the chance to prove he would protect my heart too. I didn't answer him, but I knew I didn't trust anyone enough for that.

After my appointment we went out for lunch. Which ended up being a sub, for me, and a salad, for Ranger, from Pino's. He ordered and ran inside to pick them up. He said he didn't want to share me with the TPD today, which made me smile. Then he drove down to the park and we ate at a picnic table under an oak tree.

We talked about the park itself, mostly how I used to come here with my family after mass on Sundays. It was full of good memories, mostly, there were a few of my mother that weren't the best, but it was my mother. Then we walked down to the pond so I could toss some of my bread to the geese. It was nice and quiet being alone with him. Oddly the quiet helped the voices in my head settled down too.

When we got back Ranger had to go to his office. He invited me along, but I wasn't up for seeing all the guys today. Maybe tomorrow. I figured I'd write my entry here and call Mary Lou back before the kids get home.


	10. Chapter 10

****Author's notes...Just wanted to thank everyone for the feedback and reviews of the story. I reread this one a couple times and I think it's okay, but forgive me if their are odd errors I'm fighting the tail-end of the flu here.** **

September 11-530 am

Ranger got out of bed over an hour ago. He took off in his gym shorts without a word. Maybe he thought I was still sleeping. I don't know. Something about it seemed off though, so I couldn't fall back to sleep.

I didn't have appointments with the doctor yesterday or today and I didn't write yesterday so I thought I had better catch up, after all this journal is supposed to make me feel better. Plus, I had a lot of feelings bubble to the surface.

Yesterday morning Ranger had an appointment outside the office, but I was feeling cooped up so I decided to stop down on the fifth floor. I always liked hanging out with the Merry Men and Ranger invited me down yesterday. I found Tank in his office looking like he was ready to throw himself out the window. His frown turned completely upside down when he looked up at me. I liked having that effect on him. I also liked the easy way he got up to hug me.

He finally told me that he was doing the scheduling for the next couple weeks and was going to kill Ranger for leaving it for him. I pulled a chair around his desk so I could sit next to him. I blinked at the messy handwritten schedule on his desk. No wonder the man was going nuts. I took his computer over and found the payroll software icon. I'd seen it on the computer when I'd worked there, but never looked at it before. It wasn't hard to open it up or follow the simple instructions. Not only did it have a scheduling tool, but after I entered all the guy's names it would total hours and track their logged hours against the schedule.

I laughed at him and asked why they weren't using it. "Ah, shit, Steph, we ain't office men," he told me. I never asked Ranger about how he ran his office, but someone was obviously doing the payroll for them. When I asked Tank, he said it was done by their accountant. I set up the program anyway, it took a couple hours out of my day, hours that I felt like I had something to contribute. It kind of made me feel good about myself.

When Ranger came in later that morning he looked surprised to see me working alongside Tank at his desk. The look on his face wasn't his usual blank stare, but it was still undefinable, to me anyway. Tank told me I should go open the program on the boss's computer and show him what I did. Ranger made another face and nodded to me without a word. Before I could get out the door though Tank called me back. He had a shopping bag full of folded clothes I'd left in the laundry at his place.

I followed Ranger down the hall. Ranger's office was almost twice the size of Tank's office and smelled like Ranger, so in my opinion it was the best room on the floor. I set the bag of clothes on the couch and smiled at him. He walked toward me, peeking into the bag before he greeted me with what's become our standard greeting of a kiss on the cheek or forehead, this time it was the cheek. "Did you forget some of your things at Tank's house?"

I told him that I didn't grab my dirty clothes out of the laundry when I left. He seemed to make that funny face again. "It didn't make sense for us to do our laundry separately so I've been doing all the laundry together. I didn't think to check the laundry room when I left."

"You washed his clothes?" That funny look was still on his face.

I laughed at that. "I also cleaned his house, dusted, and vacuumed all the cat hair. We cooked together though, he probably didn't want me to burn his house down." I thought I was making a joke, but Ranger seemed to get agitated by that. I took his hand and squeezed it. "If you didn't have Ella to take care of your place I'd do the same for you."

He seemed to pull himself out of the weird mood and finally asked what I'd been working on. He logged into his computer so I reached around him and pointed to the icon. He clicked it open. As I started to explain the scheduling program he pulled me around and settled me on his lap. Between the two of us we unlocked more of the program's capabilities. It seemed that he could roll schedules over so he only needed to tweak them instead of starting over each week. It would also auto schedule for him if he entered how many man hours he needed at different times of the day and would account for time off requests from the guys. It was pretty cool. He decided he was going to talk to his accountant about linking the payroll account into the program, after reviewing hours all he'd have to do is press a button to electronically release checks.

After spending the afternoon in Ranger's office, on his lap, we went upstairs for dinner. We didn't do formal, we had our chicken and rice at the breakfast bar. Then instead of a movie Ranger pulled out a monopoly game, even though I seen he'd rented some DVDs earlier.

We set up the game on the coffee table and sat on the floor facing each other. I would have never thought I could have a comfortable, quiet evening alone with Ranger, but oddly enough I was more comfortable than I think I'd ever been with someone else.

As we got into the second hour of the game I stretched my legs out under the coffee table. He picked them up and started to rub them. I think I immediately melted. My head fell back onto the couch cushion and I know a few moans escaped my lips. "So you like that?" he asked teasingly.

I giggled back at him and said, "Yes, you've got magical hands."

"Stephanie?" he asked in a serious voice.

The use of my real name startled me. I looked across the table at him. He looked uncertain of himself for the first time in my presence and it made me feel uncertain too. So I just answered, "Yeah?"

Then he simply asked, "Can I kiss you?" I stared at him. My mouth probably fell open in disbelief. Ranger never asked permission to kiss me. Ranger just pushed me against a wall and took what he wanted.

As he stared back at me, obviously uncertain of my answer. I realized this wasn't the same man that seduced me in alleys or ruined me against the side of my car. He was really asking me if I wanted to be kissed. So I simply said, "Yes."

He moved the coffee table out of the way and crawled over so he was kneeling in front of me. I'm not sure how I had the strength to move, but seeing him there looking at me like he was, I reached out for him. He sat next to me so we were looking at one another. His fingers traced the line of my jaw before moving over my lips. I couldn't help but close my eyes at the intimate contact. Then his lips replaced his fingers, moving feather light over mine. His fingers moved into my hair, stoking me and holding me gently to him as he deepened the kiss. I moved my own hands into his hair as I pushed my tongue into his mouth.

The kiss wasn't the usual bone melting explosion that shoots straight to my doodah that Ranger was known for. This kiss didn't become frantic or sexual. It was more like he was pouring his strength and love into me from the mouth down and I tried my best to do the same for him. When we broke apart he pulled me into his lap and hugged me against him. "I didn't know what I was doing before. I promise I'll never walk away again," he whispered into my hair. I didn't know exactly what he meant by that, but I knew it was important for him to tell me. So I just hugged him against me. "I know it'll be hard, but promise me you will try not to run from me either?" he asked then.

My best defense had always been to run. Even yesterday I tried to run from him, but now hearing him ask I wondered if it hurt him when I ran away. I didn't want to hurt him. I wanted to trust him. I wanted him to be able to trust me too, but I didn't know how to do any of those things. I turned my head and inhaled the scent of his skin and let my lips touch his neck lightly. I wanted to try so badly. "I'll try," I finally whispered to him.

He kissed me again then, but just when things were starting to heat up a little he broke away and asked, "Did you want to watch a movie before bed? It's still pretty early."

I looked at the clock and it was almost nine, definitely too early for bed, especially when I knew I'd just lay there awake wishing he'd kiss me again. So I told him a movie would be good.

He stood and went over to the breakfast bar where he'd dropped the DVD's earlier. He looked at them and lifted an eyebrow and grumbled something under his breath. So I asked if he didn't like the movies. He just shook his head and said, "I sent Brown down to the Redbox to grab a couple comedies. I always like a laugh when I'm feeling down." I nodded my agreement to him, it's why I love _Ghostbusters_. "I think Brown was the one being the comedian though. We have _No Strings Attached_ or _Friends with Benefits_," he said frowning at the cases.

I couldn't help the laugh that bubbled out my lips. Between the not so subtle movie choices about people in relationships like ours and the look on Ranger's face I just lost it. "Well, if you really find it that funny pick one," he told me with a little amusement in his face now.

I went with _Friends with Benefits_, it was the Justin Timberlake that sealed the deal for me, he's adorable. While Ranger put the DVD in his Blu-ray player I went to the kitchen and grabbed a couple bottles of water and tossed a bag of popcorn into the microwave. Beer would have been better, but I knew better than to mix alcohol with my antidepressant.

Ranger ran into his room and returned with a pillow and the fluffy, movie blanket. I snuggled into his side with his arm around me, the blanket pulled up around us, and the popcorn on my lap. The movie had ups and downs, it had me laughing and almost in tears at certain points. By the end we were lying on the couch, him on his back and me behind him with my head on his chest and my leg draped across his hip. When the couple in the movie finally admitted they were in love and the movie ended with the hope of their happily ever after, Ranger turned his head and kissed my nose. He asked if I wanted to watch the other movie or if I was ready for bed.

I was definitely ready for bed. It had been a long day. His arms slipped around me, he rolled me over his body, and stood me on my feet next to the couch in one smooth move. I figured it was his way of telling me to get ready first, so that's what I did.

I pulled on sweat pants and a tee shirt. It was more clothes than I liked to sleep in, but I didn't want to give him the impression that I was looking for more than a place to sleep, at least yet. I didn't think I was ready to try anything more, yet. I'd about die if it didn't work. Even if it did work I still had a lot of other things to worry about.

So crawled into the bed and sat there just thinking. After spending another evening alone with him, I was faced with sleeping against him again. It was where I wanted to be, but could I trust myself not to get in too deep? Could I trust him not to toss me aside when he realized my feelings went so much further than friendship? I wished life could work itself out like that stupid movie we watched tonight, but real life isn't a romantic comedy.

He came to bed after I was already tucked into my side. He crawled in his side, but didn't lay down. He rolled me onto my back and looked down at me. I could see he was only wearing those little, black silk boxers he kept to sleep in. Christ, I was probably panting at the sight, he was so incredibly sexy.

Then he reached over and pulled my pants down my legs, lightly touching my skin along the way. After he tossed them aside he laid down and pulled me against his body. "I just need to be able to feel your skin against mine. I'll behave myself," he said into my hair. I kind of wished I could have seen his face at the time. I wanted to know what he was feeling, but I couldn't ask.

I snuggled into him and the spots where our bare legs touched and moved against each other seemed to come alive, like electricity moving between us. I wanted more. So I asked him if I could take off my tee shirt too. He instantly leaned back and pulled it over my head. His eyes never left mine, but I felt the heat in them as I settled my bare chest against his. He wrapped his arms around me and held me.

He couldn't have been more right about needing to touch like this. I felt like something inside of me started to feel alive again from just that simple contact. My fingers lightly traced the ridges of the muscles on his chest as I dozed off. The last thing I remember was him pressing his lips against my forehead and thinking sometimes life is even better than a romantic comedy.

But now in the light of the morning I wondered if we'd pushed things too far. Did he get out of bed early to avoid being nearly naked with me? I wondered if he regretted the intimacy that we shared. I also kind of wondered how I'd be able to face him without my face turning completely red. I had been too bold and needy the night before. I just hoped it didn't make him regret inviting me into his life.


	11. Chapter 11

****Author's notes…so the world and characters belong to JE, but I'm borrowing them right now and in my world we'll say this is taking place during the Fall 2013, after Takedown Twenty and Ranger is thirty-five during this tale (which is younger than he probably actually is in TT, but just go with it).****

_September 11, 0430_

_I shouldn't even be awake yet, but here it is, four thirty in the morning and I'm wide awake. I didn't want to bother Stephanie with my restlessness so I pried myself away from her warm body and crawled out of the bed and came down to my office. I figured I'd get my entry out of the way before I go down to the gym. Since today hasn't really started yet I'm going to talk about the feelings I experienced yesterday. _

_I started out the day in Stephanie's arms. I couldn't really ask for more than that. It was like a happy little cocoon around us in that bed. I wanted to just tell her I loved her and promise her the world, but I knew I'd sound like a prick. I should have done that years ago instead of all the shit I did to her. So I silently held her until it was time to get up._

_The rest of the morning seemed to roll by uneventfully as usual. I did the gym, breakfast with Steph, and a meeting with a shop manager over in Princeton. When I got back to the building I went up to seven to check on Steph, but she wasn't there. Her stuff was all there so I went down to five to look for her. You know where I found her? _

_In Tank's office, sitting shoulder to shoulder with him, smiling and giggling as she worked on something. She'd been so sad and not herself lately I felt bad about my feelings, but I couldn't shut them off. I wanted to snatch her away from him and toss her over my shoulder before escaping to our apartment. Instead, I smiled politely and took her to my office after Tank suggested it. I'm sure he knew I was jealous. I was never sane when it came to her, but jealous of her friendship with my best friend was purely idiotic, still I couldn't shut it off._

_Then she put down the shopping bag of clothes that he washed, folded, and returned to her. I looked in there. He had been handling her underpants. How does a man justify handling his best friend's woman's panties? Well I was going to find out just as soon as I had a minute with him. And Stephanie, she tells me that she wasn't just doing his laundry, she was cooking and cleaning, and pretty much playing house with him, for three weeks, while he just kept telling me that she needed to get away for a while, but that she was safe. Safe from what? Me? Un-fucking-believable._

_No, you know what was unbelievable? The more I thought about her being up in my apartment, doing homey little things like she had been doing for Tank the more I wanted that for myself. I wanted to come home to her, share meals with her, talk to her, sleep with her. I wanted her to be mine, for real, forever._

_I'm not really sure how to even handle that. I know she's not ready for that or to even hear that yet, but I can't let her just think that I'm only doing this because she's sick. I've been teetering on the edge of her life, stuck somewhere between being a part-time lover and being vanquished to the friend-zone and I didn't want to be there anymore, but I didn't know how to go about shifting things._

_I tried my best last night to let her know that I love her and care about her. It wasn't hard to spend time with her. The simplicity of dinner, a game, and a movie seems silly, but I liked spending that time with her. I liked being able to hold her regardless of how stupid the movie was, which I am going to kick Brown's ass for that one by the way, asshole. Still, I was greedy and I wanted more. I wanted her to know that I loved her and wanted her. Maybe there was even a part of me that wanted to lay claim to her over my friends. So I asked her if I could kiss her._

_As soon as my lips touched hers I knew I had been stupid all day. There was no way she had feelings for Tank or Lester. We still had the magic we always did. I also didn't want her to think I was coming onto her so I didn't escalate the kiss. I just kissed her and tried to let her know how much she meant to me with my actions._

_When we finally got in bed she was all covered up, neck to toes in sweat pants. I think that crazy part of my brain started to short circuit. I needed to feel her against me. Without asking her permission I pulled her pants off of her and pulled her body against mine. I immediately realized what I had done and silently cursed myself for rushing again, but she didn't seem to mind. Then she asked if she could take her tee shirt off too. She didn't have to ask me twice. Steph has a beautiful body, just being able to hold her and touch her without a barrier between us gave me a sense of comfort that I'd never found anywhere but with her._

_Thanks to her, I think last night may have been the first time I'd slept through the night on this day in, well the last decade at least. How she makes me forget my demons and feel like a normal man I have no idea. I knew it was selfish to take from her when she was hurting, but I needed her last night. I need her today even more._

_It's September eleventh, a day of remembrance for our country for so many different reasons. For me it was always a day of reflection. _

_Twelve years ago our country officially went to war against the terrorists that attacked our country. I was just finishing Ranger's school, yet to be assigned to a specific unit and yet to be sent into battle. I thought I was brave and tough and king shit, for making it through training and earning my beret. It turned out I hadn't earned shit yet._

_The years that followed were some of the toughest of my life. There are no words to describe the horrors of war, but they are images that you'll never be able to wipe from your mind. The men I traveled with became my family. I had to trust them to have my back as much as they had to trust me. As those men fell around me, losing their lives to the battles we were fighting I figured I'd end up like so many of my brothers, buried at Arlington. _

_I didn't die though. I lived, through every one of their deaths, through every death I inflicted upon our enemy, and through every innocent life I had to take in order to take out the enemy. _

_As a soldier you have no choice but to follow the orders that you were given. As a ranger we were sometimes given orders that weren't even in the books. I was assigned to a group that did a lot of black ops missions, the shit the government didn't want their names attached to. My part in the group was as a tracker and scout. I was like a fucking bloodhound on a scent. I always found our mark. I would lead the rest of the group in so they could do what they needed to do. _

_I'm not saying I was any better than the men I served with, but I wasn't the hardened killer that some of them were, to begin with. I was damaged by all I'd seen and done though. I knew I'd never live a normal life if I even lived to see the end of that fucking war. _

_I had a wife and baby at home that I knew I'd never be able to give a life to. I never loved Rachel that way, she was a one night stand that went wrong. The baby, Julie, I only saw once before I got the adoption papers in the mail. I didn't hesitate to give her away, she deserved better than me. They both did. _

_I realized then that I really was nothing. I found myself drinking and taking drugs to try to get through what I had to see each day. Each day it ate away at me a little more until I was a shell of the person I used to be._

_By the time my tour was nearly complete I realized I was a fucking monster. I came to love the hunt. I celebrated in our enemy's blood. I pissed on their bodies and laughed at their cries of fear. I stood guard watching as some of the men fucked the innocent women before killing them too, we couldn't leave witnesses. It wasn't like I was too good to help rape the women, but the amount of drugs I was on had made me virtually impotent. The children were shot or burned alive before my eyes and I felt nothing. I was nothing. _

_I finally tried to take my own life after we made it back to camp. I was going to be out of the Army in another two weeks, but there was nothing waiting for me on the other side. There was only this never ending hell we called war. I took all the drugs in my bag. I was so fucked up by that point I couldn't even load my gun, but I could get to my knife so I slashed my wrists that night. It was only by sheer luck that a man I was friends with happened to walk behind the rock I was hidden behind. _

_At the time I was pissed at him for saving me, but now I'm glad that he gave me the second chance for a life. I don't think he ever stopped worrying about me trying to do something like that again. Even to this day he looks out for me like a fucking mother hen. Apparently now that mothering extends to Stephanie as well._

_After I came home, I checked myself into a private hospital for mental duress. I was detoxed and sent for therapy. That's where I met Dr. Ben Westin originally. At the time he was working out of Newark, my hometown. I did get clean and have lived as cleanly as possible since. _

_It took a good year before I was fit to socialize with my family though. Even after all the therapy I didn't feel like I belonged with them anymore. I know they still wish for me to be Ric, the kid that left home, but he died a long time ago. In his place grew Ranger, at least that's what they called me on the streets now. _

_I didn't have any friends that weren't in the military, those people I didn't want in my life anymore. How could they understand? I knew I was rotting on the inside even if I was all shiny on the outside now. I had no idea how to function in the civilian world. I knew I'd never be normal._

_So I decided to do the only thing I was ever good at. Hunting. I took a job as a bounty hunter and I was fucking great at it, so good that I was eventually contracted by the government to hunt down criminals. When Tank was done with his tour he found me, probably making sure I didn't go through with offing myself. I don't know why, but he never left me after that. We became partners, hunting down the slime of society._

_The government eventually moved me into Trenton. There was a rash of crimes stemming from street gangs. It wasn't hard for me to mask myself as Street Ranger. Tank became my shadow here, always at my back. It did nothing but improve the tough persona that I needed to stay alive on the streets. I was able to take out a few of the key players in the gangs ending that particular job for the government, but I liked Trenton. No one knew me here as anything besides Ranger. There were no expectations of me, hell, people usually didn't even bother me. _

_They were scared of the tough, thug image we created so I was left in peace for the most part. I took a civilian job as a bounty hunter for Vincent Plum Bail Bonds. I worked myself up to being their top guy, bringing in only the very high level skips. Between the money I earned bounty hunting privately and federally and the side jobs I started to take for the government doing some tracking, I was rolling in dough. _

_Tank and I decided we needed to do something with our lives, something to give back to the community. I always thought of it as the only thing that could redeem me from the hell I'd inflicted on others in the name of war. We started a company, cleaning up neighborhoods. We eliminated the bad apples doing what Stephanie likes to refer to as redecorating jobs. We got rid of drug dealers. We brought in felons. It was all the right thing to do for the good people of Trenton, but I needed more._

_We brought in a few more guys, friends Tank and I had made in the rangers. They were good guys, not the black ops team that I was shackled with. Santos and Brown were the first to join us, though later we expanded, bringing in a crew that now looks like an army of its own. Business had been good to us. I'm financially comfortable now. Hell, I think I even have the respect of the city._

_Personally I guess I came to terms with the mistakes I'd made in the past. I'm not saying that I'm not still haunted by the ghosts, but it's become less frequent as the years pass. With the help of Dr. Westin I can say the days of nightmares and flashbacks are mostly over. I know there is nothing I can do to change what I've done, but by doing what I think is morally right now, even if it's a hard decision, I can live for myself and my own code of honor. I only hoped that by being true to myself it would redeem me in the eyes of God somehow, someday._

_I've prayed to Him so many times for a second chance at life. To be able to fix whatever is still broken inside of me, but no matter how clean I live, no matter how many criminals I take off the street, no matter how many people's lives I've saved, and no matter how much money I've made, I still feel incomplete. _

_The only time I've ever felt alive or at peace has been when I'm with Stephanie. I know it's not fair to her to bring my mental baggage into a relationship. Shit, in the past I've felt like just by touching her I've soiled her somehow. Maybe I'm greedy or I'm still the monster that I once was, because I can't walk away from her or give her up no matter how much I keep hurting her. _

_Now for the first time in my life she is in my bed and she needs me. She doesn't need the shell of a man I was in the past, she needs me to be whole. She needs the loving, caring man I know is buried somewhere inside me. I can still feel him when she's around. I just need to resurrect something I tried to kill years ago, my soul._

_So maybe instead of going down to the gym I'll crawl back into the bed and hold my Babe in my arms. I'll try to figure out a way to spend this day doing something good instead of wallowing in the past. She was my future and I need to start showing her that. I need to let her into my life no matter how ugly it is. I need to show her I really love her._


	12. Chapter 12

_***THIS IS THE RIGHT CHAPTER...SORRY EVERYBODY I HAVE NO IDEA HOW THAT ONE HAPPENED****_

_September 12…1700 hours_

_I met Ben at his office this afternoon. He waited until I settled in before he asked how I had handled myself on September 11__th__. I think he was surprised when I told him that I spent the day with Steph. He smiled and asked what we did. _

_I wasn't sure what she had told him already, he sure didn't give anything away. So I told him the truth, at least bits of it. The guys had been bugging me about going on a bike ride for the last few years, so finally this year I decided to go. I thought it would be a good excuse to get Stephanie out of the apartment. She needed fresh air, plus I knew she loved motorcycles. It didn't take a lot of convincing to get Steph to agree to come along. She was good friends with the other guys going, Santos, Brown, Hal, Vince, and Ram. _

_The five of them had been going on a ride every September 11__th__ for the past four years. Like I said, they'd invited me each year, but I'd always declined. I think I shocked them by agreeing to come along. Santos smiled from ear to ear when I told him Steph was coming too. He'd asked if I wanted him to get both bikes out, but fuck if I wanted her away from me, so I told him one bike was fine. Fucking Santos got that shit eating grin on his face when I told him that. Like he'd give up the chance to have Steph's arms and thighs wrapped around him all day, I don't think so, and neither was I._

_It was a little over three hour ride to DC. I was surprised when Steph said she'd never been there before, so we made a few stops along the way so she could see the sights. We stopped for a late lunch at a diner before going down to Arlington. _

_I hadn't been to Arlington in years and wasn't really prepared for the feelings that surfaced. Santos and Brown had arranged for vehicle passes ahead of time so they only needed to stop in the visitor's center for them before we could enter with the bikes. When they handed me the pass and map to the grave, I felt a tightness in my chest. _

_Stephanie must have seen something change in me because she put her hands on the sides of my face and smiled at me. "I've never been here before. I've always wanted to see the guards at the tomb of the unknowns," she told me like she knew I needed a distraction. _

_I held her hand as we walked over. She had her head on a swivel, looking back and forth at all the graves and flags. I tried my best not to look. When we walked up to the memorial she read the slabs. She didn't say anything she just turned and wrapped her arms around my waist and put her face in my chest. The thing about Stephanie is she's so sensitive. The amount of empathy she feels for other people is off the charts. She can't stand through a burial without crying. So it wasn't unexpected that she cried here. When she finally looked up at me with tears glistening in her eyes she just whispered to me, "Someone loved those men. Someone missed them and wondered where they were and why they didn't come home to them." She sobbed again as she hugged me tighter. "I owe them my love and tears, because they gave up everything for me."_

_I didn't know how to respond to that. I didn't want to ruin her pretty thoughts, but the truth was those men probably had no family waiting for them. They were probably as alone as I felt sometimes. When I was fighting it never occurred to me that there were people at home that would have mourned me when I was gone. Now I know my family would have grieved, my friends would have given me a soldier's burial, maybe even Rachel would have shared some part of my story with my daughter someday, but no one was truly home waiting for me, loving me, worrying for me. For some reason standing there with Stephanie in my arms I knew I was brought home for her. She was my reason for living through that hell. _

_I couldn't stop myself from touching her face. As I looked at her I knew that I was in love with her more deeply than I ever thought possible. She stood on her toes and pressed her lips to mine, breaking my silent thoughts. We kissed and held each other for a while before she snuggled her face back into my chest. "Ranger, I know you don't like to talk about it, but I know things were bad for you. I'm just glad that you came back home. I don't know what my life would be like if you weren't in it, but I feel like a part of me would be missing," she said. I knew what she meant too. It was the reason I was so terrified that I was going to lose her someday. A part of me would be missing if she wasn't in my life. Without her I think the best part of me would finally die._

_I held her hand as we started our walk back. She finally asked me, "Ranger? Was the grave pass for one of your friend's graves?"_

_I squeezed her hand back and told her that he was a good friend._

_She just nodded back at me. "When you decide to go see him I'd like to come with you," she told me. I looked down at her wondering why she would want to do that. Like she knew what I was thinking, she said, "I think he must have been a good and brave man to have a friend like you."_

_I smiled back at her and told her he was. He would have loved her too. I put my arm around her, holding her a little tighter as I thought about him. Finally I told her that she'd worn his hat and promised someday I'd tell her about him. She just nodded and kissed my neck. We stopped to see the Civil War Unknowns and JFK's grave before heading back to the visitor's center. The guys trickled in a few minutes after we did, finishing their annual visits with their friends. Hopefully one of these years I'll be ready to face the man that gave up his life for me, but I wasn't there yet._

_I think I surprised Ben with the story, apparently Stephanie hadn't shared our little outing with him after all. I wondered what she was talking about in her sessions. Ben laughed and told me I'd have to ask her that. I was embarrassed to realize that I'd spoken my thoughts out loud. Maybe she was rubbing off on me in more than one way. _

_He asked me if I'd told Stephanie how I felt about her. I'd told her I loved her dozens of times. She knew that, but she never said it back. I think it scared her when I told her that. She was probably afraid to think about being with someone like me. I certainly didn't want to tell her now, while she was so fragile, it'd freak her out._

_Ben shook his head at me. He told me that when people were hurting sometimes they need to hear that someone cares. She knew I cared though, right? If I didn't I wouldn't have brought her home with me. He just told me that holding back my feelings wouldn't help either of us. I felt like rolling my eyes at him then. _

_Then he asked how the living together was going. I told him good. He smiled again like he was amused. I was trying to spend each evening with Steph. We'd have dinner then we'd cuddle, talk, watch a movie, take a walk, or play a game. Tonight after dinner I want to take her up to the roof with a telescope to look at the stars. _

_I liked being there for her, spending time with her. It didn't seem as hard as I thought it would be to share my life with her. Really it was easy, natural even, like that's how life could really be with us. _

_There were the guys though, I wasn't sure how to handle them. They were used to having a hard ass boss that worked twenty hours a day. Now I was working eight or less and spending time watching romantic comedies and playing the board games that Tank brought to work for me. My image was deteriorating, but it wasn't like I could just say she was sick and I was taking care of her, that wasn't their business. Besides, it was more than that. I think I want to have those nights with her even when she's feeling better. _

_Santos was being a pain in the ass about the whole thing. Sure he took all the after hour calls for me so I could stay home with her, but not without a knowing smile or the fucking eyebrow waggle. He and Brown thought I was being sweet. Fuck them. They'd just laugh when I told them off and ask what kind of date I had planned for the night. Assholes. I was just trying to be a good friend to her, spend time with her, and show her that she was special. Dicks. They'd just say we got you covered boss, date night is waiting. Was that what I was doing? Dating Stephanie? _

_When I started complaining about my friends to Ben he just laughed. Apparently he found it amusing that I was denying what was happening too. He told me that maybe I should ask her out properly, on a leave the apartment date. For fuck's sake. I haven't asked a woman out on a date since college. I wasn't even sure how to do it anymore, especially when the woman in question was living with me, sleeping beside me in our bed each night. _

_Ben just said if she was important to me I'd figure it out. Big help he was. Maybe I'd ask Santos, he's had more dates than most people have had meals. Maybe I could ask her when I got back upstairs. Or maybe I could have Ella bake her a chocolate cake. That'd probably warm her up to the idea of going out to dinner with me, right?_


	13. Chapter 13

****Author's note, Just a lighter chapter, I thought Steph needed a good day. Or maybe I did...hope you enjoy the sweet side of Ranger.****

September 13…230 pm

Okay, so yesterday ended up being a strange day. Ranger and Tank had meetings all morning and Lester was with Lula, since she'd found the location of one of her skips and needed back-up at the last minute. I had a doctor appointment, but didn't have anyone to take me.

I thought I'd be fine so Ranger gave me the keys to his Turbo, then at the last minute I worried about being out alone. I didn't know what would happen if I had a panic attack when I was out alone, especially if I was driving. So I stood in the garage staring at the car for about five minutes before Hal came down to check on me.

I've known Hal a long time, but he was always a pretty quiet guy. It was nice that I got to know him a little better when we took the trip to DC or I probably would have felt ever weirder asking him for help. In the end I told him that I needed a ride to Dr. Westin's office, I didn't think I was ready to drive alone yet.

I could read Hal like a book. So when I told him about Dr. Westin I saw the realization of what I had been doing with Ranger start to dawn on him, but he didn't ask me about it. He just said he'd run up to grab some keys, but I handed him the keys to the Turbo instead. He stared at the keys like I'd given him the Holy Grail or something. "I still can't believe he just lets you have his car whenever you need it," he told me. I shrugged back at him. Neither could I, I broke his cars at alarming rates, but he was always ready to give me another. "The apartment either, you know you're the only person allowed in there besides Ella?" I shrugged again. I guess part of me had always known that. Ranger wasn't the type of guy who would just hand out his key to random women. He trusted me and knew I'd only go there if I needed a place to hide out.

When I got to Dr. Westin's he asked me how I was feeling. It may have been the first time he's asked me a simple question like that. It was weird that I had to stop and think about it though. How was I feeling? All I could reply was good.

He asked me to expand on that. What was good?

I told him that staying with Ranger was really good. I hadn't had a nightmare since we started sleeping together, so that was good. I felt like we've grown closer again, I liked the intimacy of sharing a space with him, and like how he was letting me be part of his life. He made me feel good.

Dr. Westin asked me if Ranger and I had been having sex. I immediately said no, but then I told him we had in the past. It was a big part of our relationship in the past, but it didn't seem to be right now. I tried to explain how he took time every evening after dinner to hold me or touch me as we hung out in the apartment, but it wasn't a sexual touch. It felt more caring than sexual.

Then he asked if I was interested in sex yet. I laughed at that. I felt like my problems in that area were probably well on their way to becoming extinct. I tried to explain to him how living with Ranger was like living with a Cuban sex god. This got a little smile from the doctor. He waited me out until I finally cracked. I told him about sleeping skin on skin with him the last few nights and the way I felt when he kissed me. Though we hadn't had sex, my body was responding to his a little more each day.

He asked me how I thought Ranger felt. I shrugged at him. As much time as we spent together in the last few years we never really talked about our feelings. I told Dr. Westin that I felt like there had always been a part of Ranger that he's kept closed off from me, like that part of him both made him the man he was and kept him from being the man he could be. Like when we were at the cemetery Thursday, I knew he was hurting and it had to do with something that happened in his military career, but he holds that so deep inside himself I don't think he'll ever open up about it. He asked me if I wanted Ranger to open up, duh, it's all I ever wanted.

He asked how I thought Ranger felt about me. This time I sighed. I knew he cared about me, loved me even, in his own way. I knew he was attracted to me since he offered me a spot in his bed whenever I wanted it. He'd always been pretty clear on how he didn't feel about me though. He didn't want a future with me, especially one that he had to commit to. I guess that made me question how he really felt too. His actions toward me versus the words that came from his mouth were so different he usually left me confused. I guess that's why I'd usually just tell people who asked about us that it was complicated.

Dr. Westin wanted to know if I'd ever pushed Ranger for a direct answer about how he felt about me. I told him no one pushed Ranger. I didn't want to be sent to a third world country. He laughed at that, but said that sometimes to get what we want we have to seek it out. I didn't think I was ready to hear what Ranger was really feeling for me. I was too scared to find out he didn't really love me or maybe I was scared to find out that he did. I don't know.

Then he asked me if I ever told Ranger that I loved him. Yikes. Of course I never told him I loved him. I was afraid the moment that he realized I had feelings for him he would shut me out of his life altogether or go into the wind permanently. Dr. Westin nodded to me so I guess he wanted me to expand on that. How could I expand on that though? I loved a man that wouldn't allow me to love him. He acted like he didn't deserve my love or something. Or maybe he thought I didn't deserve his, I don't know.

The doctor wrote a few things down then looked back at me like he was studying me or something. He asked me why I didn't think I deserved Ranger's love. I just shrugged back. I knew that wasn't going to cut it, but it was worth a try. I knew it wasn't just Ranger's love I didn't deserve. I had never been good enough for someone to want me permanently. Then he asked why I didn't think I was good enough for someone to want.

I sat there thinking about all the men in my life. Simply the answer to that was, because I had never been enough for anyone. I was a disappointment to everyone I'd ever cared about. Mom never thought I was as good at anything as Val was. When Joe hurt me when we were kids I wondered if I had been better in bed or prettier, if he would have loved me enough not to walk out on me. My husband, Dickie, cheated on me within months of our wedding, clearly I wasn't good enough to keep him interested. Ranger, I tried to tell him I loved him once, after the first time we slept together, but he didn't want me to love him. He just wanted sex and I didn't want to get hurt again so we settled into whatever this thing is we have now.

I sat there staring at my shoes, not wanting to see Dr. Westin's face. He just said, "Stephanie, you have so many people that love you. You have a supportive team of people that have been trying to help you. Do you think they would have done all they have if they didn't care for you, if they didn't think you were worth every moment they spent with you?" I didn't know how to respond to that. Then he asked me to name five people in my life, right at that moment, that I could depend on to do whatever I needed them to do for me.

Finally I said, Ranger, Tank, Lester, Lula, and Mary Lou. Dr. Westin nodded at me then asked me about Hal, who he saw sitting in the waiting room. I nodded, Hal, really any of the guys at RangeMan would probably drop what they were doing to help me. Then he asked me about the people I worked with. I nodded to him, Connie would always come through for me if I needed something too. I knew she cared. Then he asked about my family. I shrugged again. Grandma Mazur was always willing to help me out in her own way and Dad was always willing to give me a ride or fix something if I asked. We weren't really an affectionate family, we didn't hug or say I love you like TV families, but they cared in their way.

He smiled at me then and told me I'd just admitted that people care about me. I rolled my eyes. He just shook his head at me and told me the one person not on that list that needed to learn to care about me, was me. What a stupid shrink thing to say, right?

So he gave me homework for my session on Monday. He wanted me to write down a list of qualities that I admired in myself. He also wanted me to speak with the people that I had mentioned and have real conversations with them, ask them to tell me what qualities they admired in me as well. I knew I made a face at that, but seriously how embarrassing would that be?

After my appointment Hal drove me back to RangeMan. I finally asked him why he had come down to check on me today. He blushed and said he was worried about me. I'd seemed off the last few times he'd seen me. I nodded back to him and asked him what words he'd use to describe me. He blushed more, but kept his eyes on the road. He finally said, beautiful, smart, brave, and loyal. Huh, so I asked him why he thought that. He laughed and said, "Look in the mirror, Steph, you are one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen. You can solve mysteries better than anyone I ever met. You've been in some tough situations, but you've dealt better than most men I've seen. You'd stand by any of your friends and do anything you could to help," he shook his before continuing. "You're an amazing package."

I was stunned by his words, he was never much of a talker, but I never knew he felt that way about me. When we parked the car I leaned over and hugged him. He just blushed again and told me he'd be available if I needed a ride or just wanted to get out of the building.

I didn't feel like going anywhere though. So I spent the afternoon watching TV and painting my nails while I thought about what Hal said. It made me curious about what the other guys would say about me, hey, at least I wasn't terrified anymore. I even changed into nicer jeans and a cute sweater for dinner. Okay, so I was hoping to make Ranger look at me like a woman instead of his crippled roommate tonight.

I wasn't expecting him to come up for dinner still in his suit. Corporate Ranger was a feast for the eyes, he wore his tailored, designer suits the way no one else could. What was better was when he lost the jacket, tore off the tie, and opened the top three buttons on the shirt. Then went the shoes, socks, and belt. I think my mouth went dry as I watched. He just smiled at me when he caught me watching, but only asked if I was ready to eat.

Ella set the dining room table tonight and left our plates in the warmer. He took the chair closest to me, instead of across from me, our legs were touching under the table and it was making me warm in places. Then he asked how my day was. I told him I painted my finger and toe nails. He looked under the table and grabbed my foot, bringing it to his lap. He pulled off my sock and looked at the pink paint. "Cute," he said with a little smile. He continued to eat with one hand, while the other rubbed my foot, and spoke about his meetings. Did I mention I was warm in places?

After dinner he went into the bedroom and came back out in thick navy blue sweat pants and a gray tee shirt. Huh, not black, and definitely sexy. I smiled at him and asked if we were going to watch a movie, it seemed to be our most common evening activity.

He shook his head and told me he'd planned to go up to the roof and look at the stars, but the clouds ruined his plans so he thought he could teach me to use some of the RangeMan programs on his computer. So why not, right?

So we went into his home office and I pulled up a chair next to his. Turns out when he said programs, they weren't exactly all 'legal' programs. First, he showed me how to access the tracking devices, he pulled up mine, Tank's, and his. I tried it and pulled up Lester. He said the guys all carried trackers in case something happened out in the field. That kind of made me feel less like a freak for having trackers on my person for years. He slipped an arm around the back of my chair and told me that if I ever wanted to see where he was all I had to do was look on there.

Second, he showed me how to flip through the client cameras. I'd done a little of that when I'd worked there years ago, but I could tell they'd upgraded the system. So I played with that a little. Third, he showed me how to get into security cameras that didn't belong to RangeMan. That felt a little naughty and I may have had some fun with that. Then lastly, he showed me the 'secret' cameras that they'd installed. He said most of the guys didn't know about these and that they'd installed them for some special projects. I asked if that had to do with his super-secret spy shit, but he just smirked at me and said Babe, I guess I'd amused him again.

He said they were for surveillance and nothing more, no spy shit. I still think it looked like spy shit. They were recording entrances on homes, windows, and different spots on the roads or surrounding buildings. He pulled up one of a white house. It panned around, taking film of the different spots outside. Then he flipped to a camera to the back of the house and then to one in the living room. I looked up at him surprised, he had cameras in the house? He just nodded toward the screen again.

I looked back at the monitor and watched a woman knitting something and a man sitting in a recliner holding a remote. Then he leaned over and whispered in my ear, "Those are my parents."

I was fascinated and horrified all at once. I couldn't stop looking at them. They were both dark skinned and haired like Ranger. I could tell his dad was tall too, but his mom looked shorter than me, but she was really pretty. Then I looked up at him and asked him what if he'd caught them having sex or something.

He just laughed and said they knew not to have sex in the living room, they knew he had a camera in there, but he agreed to only check it for emergencies. He flipped it again, this time settling in an apartment building garage. He pointed to one of the cars and told me he watched his younger sister walk to her elevator when she worked nights, she was a nurse in Newark. Then he flipped the camera again to a yellow sided house, where the camera was pointed at a bedroom window. He said that one belonged to his daughter, Julie, down in Miami. Then he flipped it again and it turned to a house in a wooded area that looked like it was on a lake. I asked who lived there and he said no one, but he went there to relax sometimes. When I looked up at him he grinned and said, "That's the Batcave, Babe."

I wasn't sure why he was sharing these things with me, but it was so much, almost too much. He must have noticed me started to freak, because he just touched my cheek and looked at me. "I don't want to be a stranger anymore," he told me. I nodded back to him, still unsure what he meant. "I really suck at this. I know I have problems opening up, but I want you to know me." I nodded back to him. He smiled and leaned over and kissed my lips softly. "Babe, I was wondering if you'd like to go out with me tomorrow night?"

I didn't know what to say to that. Out? Like on a date or like to run to the store or the guys are all hanging out? He just shook his head. "On a date. A real date. Not a job. Just the two of us," he answered.

"Why?" I questioned. I knew that was stupid, but it seemed out of the blue.

"Because I want to take you somewhere nice and spend time with you. I enjoy being with you," he answered.

I think I was stupefied again. I just sat there. A date? I couldn't remember that last real date I'd been on. "I don't have anything to wear," I mumbled.

He just grinned then and said I could wear a potato sack and still be the sexiest woman in Trenton. I rolled my eyes at him, but he just laughed then and said, "I'll have Ella get you something. Will you go then?" I was going to argue that he couldn't buy me things, but then he whispered please and all my argument went away.

So then I asked him what words he would use to describe me. His twisted one of my curls around his finger as he looked at me. "Brilliant, creative, independent, modest, trustworthy, brave, caring, dependable, loving, bold, beautiful, sexy, outgoing, cute, funny, strong.." I stopped him there and asked if he was serious. He just told me he'd never lie to me. So I told him that I'd love to go out with him.

After I poked around on his computer and tried out a few of the games he had installed we headed to bed. Like I'd told Dr. Westin earlier that day, my body was responding to being near him. God, was it really tonight. I felt like I was on a freaking hormone overload.

I'd stripped out of my clothes while he was in the shower and crawled into bed. He came back into the bedroom wearing nothing but a towel wrapped around his waist. His hair was all damp and moisture was beaded up on his torso making me want to crawl over there and it lick it off his abs. I'd never seen anything as sexy as that. Damn.

I closed my eyes since I was afraid I'd actually drool a little. I heard the towel drop and the bed dip as he sat down, then I felt the blankets tug as he pulled them over himself. By then the smell of his shower gel permeated my senses and sent tingles straight through me. Oh, God, I didn't know how I was going to keep my lips off him.

Then his hand skimmed across my bare stomach, making everything inside me tighten and buzz. He gripped my hip and pulled me across the bed toward him. Once he was pressed against my back he leaned in and breathed on my neck sending goose bumps straight down to my toes. "Good night, Steph," he whispered in my ear.

I turned my head and looked back at him. I knew it wasn't just me. I could see the heat in his eyes. "Good night, Ranger," I whispered back. Then he touched his lips to mine, a light, little peck of a kiss. He moved back, but still stared at my lips, like he was fighting himself. So I closed the inches between us and kissed him myself.

I turned in his arms and wrapped my arm around his back, trapping the other arm between our bodies. His hands found my hair and he clenched it, like he was trying not to touch more of me, but that kiss, holy crap. We just kissed over and over, tasting, licking, nibbling each other's mouths, kissing more deeply than I'd ever kissed anyone. It was at least an hour later when I settled my head on his chest and kissed him lightly there. He kissed the top of my head. "Sweet dreams, Babe," he told me. They were all filled with him.

The next morning he was gone when I woke, but he left a note that said he went to the gym so he wouldn't molest me in my sleep. That made me laugh. I took an extra-long shower, I still wasn't able to get the magic going down below, but I did finish all my date prep: scrubbing, shaving, buffing. Then I used a large quantity of his Bulgari shower gel and let it make me feel all warm and gooey when I remembered him kissing me last night. I couldn't wait for tonight.


	14. Chapter 14

_September 14…0500_

_I decided I was really going to ask Stephanie out, on a date. So Friday afternoon I called Tank and Santos into my office to ask their advice on how to go about asking. To be honest, I'd tried it about a half dozen times in the past and fucked it up every time. I would start to ask and the next thing I knew I was bullying her into going to dinner or offering to pay her for a job I pulled out of my ass, sure they were actual jobs I was working on, but I didn't need to pay her to come along with me. I guess I was afraid that she'd say no if I didn't give her a good reason to say yes and I don't like rejection, who does?_

_So the guys sat down and I looked at them. I knew they would give me shit, but if it worked it would be worth it. After I ask them how to get Stephanie to agree to go on a date with me, Tank laughed, fucker. He said that I should just ask her. That's it, just say, "Stephanie, would you like to go out with me?" A lot of help that was, didn't he think I'd tried that before._

_So I turned to Santos. He just grinned and said with a girl like Steph I had to lay it all out there, she wouldn't respond to gentle hints. Didn't I know it, most of the hints I gave her over the years were anything but gentle and she didn't seem to notice them. So I asked him how I would go about 'laying it all out there'. He shook his head at me and told me that I needed to stop hiding myself from her. I started to protest. I wasn't hiding, she was living with me for fuck's sake. _

_Santos just shook his head and told me that I knew nearly every detail of her life and could track her any time of day, but I kept myself sealed off from her. I needed to let her in so she could see the Bruce Wayne behind the Batman mask. I'll tell you now, I had to work pretty hard not to punch his ugly mug. Idiot. _

_Tank told me to buy her a present, then he add not a car this time, while he laughed. He was having way too much fun at my expense. Okay, so I gave her a car, it wasn't a big deal, she needed one and I had an extra. Tank laughed even harder at that as he said something about extra Porsches just lying around. Christ. I wasn't going to give her a car this time anyway, she was afraid to drive alone. I found that out when she had Hal drive my Turbo to her appointment._

_Lester agreed about the gift, he said something from the heart would show that I was serious about her. I didn't know what the hell they were talking about, from the heart? They sounded like Hallmark or something. So flowers and jewelry were kind of out, everybody did that. I was still convinced chocolate was the way to go with Steph. So I went to see Ella._

_I told her that I was planning on asking Steph out on a date and wanted her to make me a chocolate cake so she'd be more receptive to my request. Ella laughed at me. Right in my face. She told me that she wasn't making a cake until after the date. I had to do this on my own. Steph needed to know I was putting the work into this. Christ, no wonder I don't date._

_So anyway, I get back to the apartment and she is all dressed up in tight jeans, that make her ass looking amazing and her legs look a mile long, and a form fitting sweater that makes me want to cup her breasts in my hands and just hold them there. I tried my best to play it cool, like usual, but the guys warned me to let her see me, so I kicked off my shoes and got out of my jacket and tie and tried to relax. I could do relaxed, just a normal guy._

_I made it through the dinner without having to put on the Ranger mask so I decided to keep going with the relaxed theme and try some more of the opening up thing. I got into my sweats and asked her if she wanted to see some of my computer programs. The guys said I knew everything about her and could track her anytime. So I figured the best way to open up would be to make her feel comfortable. So I showed her how to pull up the trackers on everyone on the team, including me, now she could find me any time of day too. I also wanted to show her the things she wanted to know most about me, the little things I'd held back for no better reason than to keep her on the edge of my life, but I didn't want her there anymore. I knew this was probably going to be my only chance to make things work with her and I didn't want to mess it up again._

_So I showed her my parents, their home, my sister's place, Julie's bedroom window, and my lake house. I could tell she was starting to open herself up to me. So I went for it, I asked her out on a date. She didn't seem to believe what I asked at first so I had to clarify, but she finally accepted. On top of that she'd complained that she didn't have anything to wear, so I knew exactly what kind of gift to get her._

_I'd been to a shop in Princeton earlier in the week for a new security system install. It was some big designer's store. The stuff was classy looking, but there were a few things I had noted would look amazing on Steph, especially the short dresses and heels. So I drove out there yesterday morning._

_I told the manager I wanted to pick up something special for my girlfriend and gave her the sizes Ella had written down for me. Then I started picking out dresses. I don't know what happened, suddenly the pile of dresses grew. There were jeans, slacks, jackets, skirts, tees, tops, shoes, bags, and jewelry. I was pretty proud of myself. I knew everything would look great on Steph and couldn't wait to see here wear it. So I handed over my credit card while they bagged and boxed everything up for me. _

_I had the guys unload the Cayenne and bring the packages upstairs, to surprise Steph. The next thing I know Ella's on the phone yelling at me in Spanish that I was an idiot. I'd gone overboard again. She said Stephanie was sitting on the floor and looked like she was about to cry or freak out. That hadn't been my intension. Ella just sighed at me and tried to explain that Steph shopped the sale racks and only picked up what she needed, she wasn't handed a couple thousand dollars of clothing as a gift. Okay, so put that way I knew what she meant, but I wanted to give her nice things. I wanted to take her out places and have her feel comfortable and beautiful. I didn't think fourteen thousand dollars was a lot to spend to make her happy. Hell, it was pocket change compared to the Porsche I'd given her and I doubted she'd blow up the shoes._

_I had to go up to the apartment for damage control. I didn't want Steph panicking over something stupid I did with good intensions. I didn't know why I couldn't do anything right where she was concerned. I never thought I was so awkward until Steph came into my life, but now awkward may have been being kind. _

_Ella was standing in the living room amid all the packages and Stephanie was sitting on the floor, just like Ella said, looking at the shoes in her lap. "Babe," I said sitting down next to her. "I'm sorry. I went to buy you a dress for dinner and I think I went crazy."_

_She just looked at the pile of stuff and asked what the hell I was thinking._

_I shrugged at her and told her, "I was just walking through the store imagining how beautiful you'd look in these dresses and then I added the matching shoes. Then there were a few short, sexy skirts that I knew would look great on your legs so I got those with the matching tops and shoes. Then I thought if you had new shoes you'd need a matching bag so I got those. Then I knew it'd be getting cold soon so I added the sweaters and jackets. I didn't mean to freak you out. I just wanted to make you happy." Her mouth was hanging open as she stared at me. Ella motioned for me to keep talking before heading toward the front door. "I told you I'd get you something for our date. Just think of this as something to wear on our next thirty dates," I told her giving her the smile I knew melted her anger._

_She started grumbling at me, telling me I was crazy. She started going on about the shoes costing over three hundred dollars and the dresses costing four hundred and there were a dozen of them. I knew I had her then, I pointed out that she must have known the designer if she knew the prices. She just rolled her eyes and said of course she did, she was a Burg girl._

_Finally I took her hand and explained that the clothes came from a new client and if I returned everything I'd look like an idiot. She laughed and said, "You are an idiot." I laughed back and agreed, she wasn't wrong. So I told her she had to keep the clothes or I'd have to donate them since there was no way I was messing up my new account by returning their winter line. _

_I knew she was going to give in even though she didn't like it. She never wanted to take things from me. I wasn't sure why it bothered her, but it certainly did. So she finally blew out her breath and picked up a little black dress from a nearby pile. "Are you sure about this? I can't afford to pay you back. I'm not working right now," she questioned. I shook my head and told her that it was a gift and I didn't want her paying me back. Then she looked into my eyes and watched me for a minute. I'm not sure what she was thinking, but she finally asked if I really wanted to go on more dates with her._

_I leaned in and kissed her lips softly before I told her that I never wanted to date anyone but her for the rest of my life. She blushed at that and kissed me back before she said she'd keep the clothes if it made me happy. _

_So with the first disaster averted I went back downstairs to finish up a contract before going up to get ready. Steph was in the dressing room, where Ella had relocated all her new clothes and shoes, when I got back. I slipped into the bathroom for my shower and smiled. Her hair products, curling iron, and make-up were all over her side of the counter. I don't know why I loved her mess, but I did. It was comforting to have reminders that my life wasn't empty anymore. _

_After my shower I slipped into the dressing room and was kind of shocked by the amount of things that were taking up Steph's, now, two thirds of the closet. I opened the drawers and looked in at her pajamas and underwear. Those were the only things I hadn't purchased for her. I wondered if I should have Ella sneak new things into the drawers for her too. Well, maybe not pajamas, I liked having her naked in my bed._

_I pulled on some black dress pants and shoes with a dark gray sweater over a black tee. I walked into the living room and the sight of Steph made my breath catch. She was wearing a short black dress that I'd picked out with tonight in mind. It had a high neckline with a shiny gold collar and was fitted around her breasts, but then hung loosely down to a little above the middle of her thighs. Her long, slender legs were enhanced by the matching black heels with shiny gold toes. _

_Then my eyes traveled back up her body to her face. She was wearing just a touch of mascara and lip gloss, almost natural looking, just the way I liked her. Her curls were perfectly tamed and fell around her shoulders in soft rings. Her eyes were that deep blue shade they get when she's turned on. "You look amazing," she finally said._

_I laughed at that. "No, you're the one that looks amazing. I almost don't want to leave here, because I don't want to share you with anyone else," I told her. Her face turned pink at that. I loved making her blush and apparently the lame lines were a winner in that department. I was just glad the guys didn't hear me. _

_She grabbed her sweater and clutch off the table and smiled at me. I smiled back at her. I couldn't help it, her smile made me happy. I took her hand and we took the elevator down to the garage. I opened her door for her and leaned in to kiss her lips before closing her door. I walked around the car and noticed the security camera move with me, dickheads. Obviously they needed more work to keep them busy tomorrow. I flipped off the camera and got into the turbo. _

_I gunned the engine a little as we pulled out of the garage. I knew Steph loved this car, especially the sound of the engine. She made a little moan noise as she snuggled back into her seat. God, I'd love to make her make that noise without having to use my car to do it. _

_I pulled up in front of Marsilio's and she looked out the window at the building. I knew it was one of her favorite restaurants, but it was in the Burg. "Is this alright? We can drive into Princeton or Newark if you're not up to this," I told her. I hadn't really thought about her not wanting to be out in the Burg before that moment and felt kind of stupid for it. _

_She looked back at me and then back at the restaurant. "No, let's do it," she told me before smiling and continuing, "I went to Pino's the other day with Les and it wasn't so bad. I need to get used to being out in public again and you'll get me tiramisu, right?" I promised to get her as much as she wanted. _

_I slipped my arm around her waist as we walked into the restaurant. I felt all the eyes in the building fall on us as we walked to our table. I saw a few cell phones slip out and wondered if Mrs. Plum or Morelli were going to get pictures of us text to them. I figured I'd deal with that when it became an issue, tonight was about Stephanie._

_We had a secluded table toward the back of the restaurant where I could keep my back to the wall and Steph wasn't directly in front of a window, just like I requested. She pulled her chair around so she was sitting on the side of the table to my left instead of directly across from me. I grinned at her when her leg wrapped around mine and a barefoot slipped inside my pant leg. She just shrugged and said she needed to feel me, it calmed her nerves. So I pulled her chair closer and settled an arm around her back, rubbing her skin through the keyhole opening in the back of her dress._

_We skipped the wine because of her medication, both of us sticking to water with lemon, and ordered eggplant rollatini for an appetizer. Then she surprised me again by ordering chicken cacciatore with a side salad instead of her usual, so I ordered the same. She just shrugged when I asked and said I must have been rubbing off on her. _

_I told her that eating healthier helped me with some of my issues. Sometimes fats and sugars made me feel sluggish or like I'd have mood crashes after eating them. I asked if eating healthier made her feel better too. She told me that was exactly how she felt lately. Then she told me not to gloat, I wasn't right all the time._

_I tugged on her curls and smiled before asking if I could try to prove I was right about one more thing. I told her I thought she should try to work out daily, the exercise helps with endorphin production which helps depression. She frowned at me and said, "Don't tell me you work out for your mood and not your sex god abs."_

_Sex god abs, God, how I love that woman. "It's a little of both, but working out makes me feel good. I think you'd have the same reaction if we found something you liked to do, obviously running is out," I told her._

_"Fine, find something I like and I'll work out with you," she grinned back at me before popping an appetizer in her mouth. I found myself staring at her lips a little too long. "You look like you want to kiss me," she said quietly._

_I really, really did. "I do," I answered her. _

_She looked around the restaurant before looking back at me. "So do I," she whispered. I leaned over and kissed her lightly, not escalating it here in public, but still wanting her to know how much I desired her and cared for her. _

_The waiter returned with our main dishes while we were recovering from the kiss, at least I was. I needed a minute. It wasn't like I could sneak off to my office or the shower to rub one out like I did at home. Yeah, it's gotten a little out of hand, but I'm so fucking attracted to her that I have to do something. Sleeping beside her and not being able to bury myself inside her warm body is about killing me. Not to mention the kiss the night before, the kiss that lasted forever and almost made me combust right there against her hip like a fifteen year old virgin. _

_Over dinner I kept the conversation light, telling her about the last time I was in Miami to see Julie. She laughed along the stories about me shopping in a mall and taking her to some boy band's new 3D movie. We managed to finish dinner without me reaching over to try to molest her so I silently congratulated myself on that one. _

_I pulled out her chair and took her hand to help her up. She stood and pressed a little kiss to my lips. I smiled at her which made her blush. "You look so beautiful," I whispered in her ear as I slipped an arm around her waist to lead her back out to the car. "Would you like to go dancing with me?" I asked._

_She cheeks were still pink when she turned to look at me. She just nodded and whispered yes. I smiled then, this was perfect, she was perfect. As we got closer to the door I felt her stiffen. I looked up to see Eddie Gazzara and his wife smiling at us. _

_Eddie waved to us and pulled his wife along with him. Eddie told Steph she looked great while he looked her up and down then asked what the occasion was._

_Steph looked up at me and smiled. "We're on a date," she answered. Her cousin Shirley smiled at me and looked me up and down before she hugged Steph and whispered something in her ear._

_Eddie didn't seem to notice he just smiled even brighter when she said we were on a date. "That's great. We're out for our anniversary, my mother took the kids for the entire night," he said with a wink. Then he leaned into me while the women were speaking and said, "I don't know what you're doing, but keep doing it. She hasn't looked that happy in a long time."_

_We managed to get away and Steph laughed on the way to the car. She told me that her cousin Shirley told her I looked like quite the stud muffin and Grandma Mazur must have been jealous. So I teased her and asked if that meant Shirley had checked out my package. She just rolled her eyes and told me that all women checked out my package and every other inch of me. _

_I opened her car door and helped her into the seat. I leaned in until my lips were just a hair away from hers and asked if she checked out every inch of me too. She blushed and said she'd checked me out so often that I was imprinted on her brain. That confession definitely earned her a kiss, so I gave her one that almost lit my hair on fire. I never felt such heat from a woman before, but she lit me up with just the barest touch, every time. _

_I broke away and walked around the car to get into the driver's seat. I drove us to a dark spot along the river that was secluded and quiet. I opened the windows on the car and turned the radio up before getting out. Steph followed me out of the car, but waited for me to come around. She looked around nervously, before asking what we were doing there. _

_I grabbed her and pulled her against me and just whispered to her that we were dancing. It didn't take her long to relax. I felt it almost immediately, her head rested on my shoulder, her arms wrapped around my shoulders, and her torso pressed against mine. I slowly rocked us to the music, focusing more on her than the music. I have no idea if we were even moving in time. All my senses were taken up with her. The moonlight shone in her hair, the fragrance of her perfume floated on the air, the touch of her fingers on my neck sent tingles straight to by cock, then my lips touched hers and the taste of the tiramisu sweetened skin made me moan in delight. _

_We stayed there like that until I felt her shiver. I knew it was starting to get chilly so I walked her back to the car and opened her door. We both got in, I put up the windows and turned the heater up on high. She inhaled and sighed loudly. I looked over at her and she smiled. "I love how this car smells like you," she told me with a little moan. _

_God, my mind was instantly filled with the memories of her crawling on top of me and fucking me right there in my car seat. I wanted to just pull her out of her seat, yank up that pretty dress, tear off her panties, and fuck her against my steering wheel again, but instead I took a deep breath and pulled out onto the road toward home. I knew I had to control myself, we weren't ready for that yet, and when we were I wanted to give her so much more than a quickie in the car. I wanted to make love to her not just fuck her when this happened again. I wanted her to know how much she meant to me._

_Before I knew it we were back at RangeMan and I was pulling into my spot. I reached for my door knob, but she caught my other arm. "Ranger, this has been the best date I've ever been on. Thank you," she told me with a little smile._

_"Me too. Thanks for agreeing to go out with me," I told her. I got out and opened her door for her and held her hand as we walked to the elevator. _

_She looked up at the camera and laughed. She did her little finger wave to the guys and turned to look at me with a little smile. Then she leaned in and kissed me, her fingers caught in my hair, and she held me to her as she kissed me more deeply. When the doors opened on seven she broke away from me and turned to walk out. I pulled her back against me and kept her in front of me as we walked to the door, no sense in letting the men see exactly how that kiss affected me. I opened the door for her, she turned on the lights, and we both kicked off our shoes and dropped our things onto the table. _

_She grinned at me then. "So how does this work? The dating code doesn't work since we're living together," she asked. I raised an eyebrow at her and asked about the dating code. She laughed then and told me that at the door a handshake meant it was nice, but she wouldn't be going out with me again. A kiss at the door meant I had better call for another date. Asking me in for a drink meant I had better have my pants off in the next five minutes. _

_I laughed at that. They should make a book to decipher those codes. I wondered how many I misread throughout my life. Since she'd laid it out there for me I pulled her back to the door and kissed her again. Then I told her that I'd really like to go out with her again. She agreed that I should ask her again, then laughed and asked me if I wanted to come in for a bottle of water. _

_She turned to go to the kitchen so I decided to have a little fun with her. As soon as her back was turned I took off my pants and tossed them onto one of the stools. I stood there in my boxer briefs waiting for her to bring the drinks. As soon as she noticed she started laughing, deep, hard laughing. Then I asked if I'd read the code wrong. She just laughed harder. _

_"You're overdressed, Babe," I told her as I caught her and pulled the zipper on the back of her dress. Her eyes widened and her giggles died on her lips. I knew she was feeling the same things I was, but it was still too soon. I was playing with fire this time. I kissed her nose and whispered to her, "Go get into something comfortable."_

_She nodded and started to walk off toward the bedroom. "Ranger, I like the underwear, but I was just wondering, where do you keep them?" she asked while staring at my crotch. _

_I couldn't keep the smile off my face. I knew she'd gone through my things. I also knew it'd only be a matter of time before her curiosity got the best of her and she'd have to ask. I took her hand and led her into the dressing room. I pulled out a pair of dress pants that were perfectly hung on the hanger. I unhooked them and opened them up, out spilled a pair of underwear. She just blinked at the dress pants before peeking inside a few more pair. Then she started to giggle. "I thought you went commando," she said quietly._

_Who was I to disappoint her? "I only wear them with the dress pants, the fabric is thin and they're more fitted than the cargos," I told her. "I was afraid I'd forget them so I had Ella hang them with the clothes, saves time in the mornings too."_

_"I don't know what's hotter, no underwear or these," she told me. She reached out and traced the line of my cock through the tight fabric. "They're very flattering. You could be a underwear model." She turned away then and started pulling shorts and a tee shirt of her pajama drawer. _

_She let the dress slip off her shoulders and pool to the ground at her feet. With her back to me I had a perfect view of the black, lacy panties that hugged her hips and cut up high, showing an indecent amount of her perfect ass cheeks. She reached behind herself and flicked open the hook on her bra and slipped it down her shoulders. I was painfully hard at that point. I knew I should look away, but she had me entranced. I wondered if she knew how sexy she was, if she knew exactly what she was doing to me. She slipped the white tee shirt over her head and shimmied the little red shorts up over her hips, covering herself from my view. _

_She turned to look at me with a little smile, her eyes settling on my boxers again. There was no denying what she did to me, the proof was right there, poking out of my waistband. She reached over and picked up a pair of my black sweat pants and handed them to me. I pulled them on while she watched, then she walked over and slipped her fingers under the sweater I was wearing and pulled it up my body and over my head. Her fingers moved over my tee shirt clad chest and I wished she would have pulled it off too. I wanted her fingers on my skin. _

_When she got to my waist her arms wrapped around me, hugging me tightly. I hugged her back and realized that holding her like that was exactly what I needed. I lifted her and carried her to bed, we snuggled under the covers and just held each other until we dozed off. _

_I woke this morning with her head still on my chest, her arm slung around me, and my hand on her ass. After enjoying the moment I crawled out from under her and went down to my office to write this down. I needed to write this down, to say it to myself, I love her, I want a life with her, and I'm never going to let her go again. No matter what I have to do to keep her with me, I'll never let her move out of our apartment again. _


	15. Chapter 15

September 14….500pm

Sunday mornings were always a favorite of mine, or at least since I moved into my apartment and wasn't forced out of bed for mass by my mother. I'd normally sleep or at least lay in bed until noon before starting my day with whatever sugar filled goodies I could find. Then I'd spend the day in my sweats watching TV.

This Sunday morning was completely different. Ranger woke me at seven, which was sleeping in for him believe it or not. He'd already been up for a couple hours when he came in to drag me down to the gym. I don't know what I had been thinking last night when I agreed to try working out, then again I didn't know we were starting the work outs immediately either.

Being a Sunday, the gym wasn't as full as it was during the week. Or maybe it was because we were there so late in the morning, those guys loved to get up in the middle of the night and call it morning. Maybe it was military thing? Either way, I was in the gym and decided to go with what I knew. I started out on the treadmill. I ran three miles while Ranger probably tripled that in the same time, but whatever it wasn't a competition. He looked me over and I think he could tell that I still hated running because he did this little smirky laugh thing that would have been annoying if it weren't so cute.

He didn't say anything about it though, he just asked me if I wanted to try something new. He thought I'd like hitting the bags with him. So I let him drag me off to the punching bags. I'd never tried them before, but I'd seen the guys working with them, a lot.

At first I thought it was really stupid. I didn't understand how punching a padded bag was exercise, but after he showed me the right way to position my body and swing, it was a much more natural feeling. The bonus of having Ranger pressed against my back as he helped me follow through on my punches may have upped the enjoyment a little, I don't know. Okay, so I do know. I can't help it, I crave the feel of that man against me. Plus, we were all warm and sweaty and he still managed to smell good. So I had to try really hard to focus on what he was saying instead of the hormones that were rushing through me.

"Did you like it?" he asked me when I was ready to collapse. I nodded back to him, unable to breathe, which made him smile. He said tomorrow he could show me some kicks if I was interested. Oddly enough I am interested. I think the punching and kicking might be slipping into a little of the self-defense he's been bugging me to work on for years, but what the hell. I'd been thinking of giving it a try before now anyway, it was always more that I just couldn't afford the lessons and never found the time to do it.

I knew he was trying to find things I enjoyed, but the fact that he's taking time to actually make it fun for me is pretty sweet. I never thought of sweet as a word I'd use to describe Ranger, but for the better part of this last week he'd been nothing but sweet to me.

Even the date we went on last night turned out to be sweet. He took me to dinner at Marsilio's and was very talkative and attentive. Neither of us were much into PDA, but he didn't seem to mind kissing me at the restaurant, neither did I though. It's actually getting hard to keep my hands and lips off of him no matter where we are. After dinner, he took me down to a spot on the river and we danced under the stars to music that was playing from the car stereo. See sweet. Then when we got home, he was actually playful and funny until we got to the point where I knew we both wanted to just rip each other's clothes off and do it right there in his closet. Instead of making a move, he just scooped me up in his arms and crawled into bed, he held me and kissed me repeatedly until we'd both fallen asleep. It was absolutely sweet, sweeter than I'd ever been treated before. It kind of scared me that I was enjoying it so much. I was afraid it'd go away and I didn't want to go back to the way we were before I moved in. I liked this Ranger.

When I was done working out I laid on a mat and watched him work the bag I'd just been hitting. Holy crap. He'd taken off his shirt so he was just wearing black gym shorts slung low on his hips. God, the things I want to do to that man. The way his muscles bunched and moved under his skin, wow oh wow. I think I could watch that all day. He was definitely a sex god, there was no other explanation for the way he made me feel.

Bobby plopped down on the mat next to me and smiled. He asked if I was working out or just enjoying the show. I rolled my eyes at him which made him laugh. I looked back at Ranger and smiled. Something about the way all the guys had supported me since I needed help made it a lot easier to look at Bobby and say, "Ranger's trying to find some exercises that I like so I'll stick with it. He says that working out helps him with his depression and I can use all the help I can get right now."

Bobby looked from me to Ranger, then back again. He nodded to me and agreed that exercise was one of the best natural combatants for depression. Then he asked what else I had been trying. I told him about seeing Dr. Westin and the medication he'd put me on. He agreed that medication was a good choice. Then he asked if I'd been eating the same meals as Ranger. I had been, for the most part. He told me that was good and I should stick with it, healthy diet can help depression too, especially tuna and salmon. I scrunched up my nose. That would explain the lox he ate for breakfast most days.

He pulled me to my feet and walked me over to the weights. I had never really lifted weights before and didn't want to look like Hal or Vince. Bobby laughed at that. He told me that strength training wasn't going to make me look like a bodybuilder. He had me try each of the weight centers, finding my maximum lift weight for each. He wrote them down and at the end handed me a sheet. It had listed my goals for the next two weeks, how much to lift and how many reps to do. Surprisingly, it seemed like something I could do and wouldn't suck like running.

Then Bobby asked me what else I'd been doing with my days. I hadn't been doing anything. He smiled then and told me that I should talk to Ranger about doing some work around the office part-time or he was teaching a CPR/first aid class that started this coming Wednesday night that I could try. He said getting into a work routine and feeling like I had purpose was just as important as exercise and it helped a lot of people to learn something new or take a class when they are dealing with anxiety problems.

Then Manny, who'd been lifting weights, walked over and told me that he volunteers at the food pantry and they were looking for help sorting and stocking the donations if I wanted to go with him. Then Cal came over and offered to take me biking in the mornings, he wasn't a runner either, but loved to bike. Then Ram was offering to take me swimming, a lot easier on the joints than running he said. Then Binkie came over and told me that he took yoga classes to help him stay relaxed and offered to bring me along if I wanted to try it out. Then finally Raphael told me that he took dance lessons at a local studio, it was great exercise and he liked learning something new, but he needed a partner that wouldn't try feeling him up like the single women at the studio did.

After a while I was just standing there talking to the guys and it felt good. I felt more normal than I had in a long time. I knew they were all good, caring men, even though I didn't know them all that well, but at that moment I loved them all so much. I thought I was going to cry they were being so kind to me. Finally, Ranger made his way through the crowd and slipped an arm around my waist. "Gentlemen?" he questioned. They muttered back a mixture of boss and Ranger to him. "What's going on?" he asked them.

I started laughing then and told him that the guys had found out about my depression and anxiety problems and were offering to help me, in their own ways. He got a weird look on his face, but masked it pretty quickly. I told the guys to email me the dates and times of the activities they'd mentioned and I'd let them know if I could work it into my schedule. I know that sounded weird, I don't have much of a schedule, but I wanted to talk everything over with Ranger before I agreed to it.

So we headed up stairs together while I told him about the different offers from the guys and the suggestions that Bobby made. He finally just pulled me against him and told me how proud he was of me for sharing with Bobby and the guys. Then he kissed my nose, and I swear he made me blush, again.

He also thought some of the guys' suggestions were really good ones. He thought going back to work part time for Tank would really help him with the paperwork that always piled up and maybe getting out of the building for a class or some volunteer work would be good for me too. He even conceded that the guys were right in offering some alternate exercise suggestions, biking, swimming, and dancing were great cardio workouts. The one thing he told me he really wanted me to do was the yoga with Binkie. He thought that would be a really good tool for me.

So after showers and breakfast we spent a couple hours putting together a schedule for the week. Ranger has always been overly organized and I found out this morning that was all due to his illness too. He felt like if he kept himself on a schedule or routine, it keeps him on task and doesn't allow the days to melt together when he's in the middle of down cycle.

After that he went in his home office to do some catch up on an account proposal for later this week so I decided to check my voicemail and email. I had a feeling there would be a bunch of messages about our date last night. I wasn't wrong. There were six from my mother asking me if I was back in town and if it was true that I was on a date with a rich business man, then she demanded I call her and come to dinner. I was laughing so hard that Ranger came out to check on me. I put the phone on speaker and played the message for him.

He just laughed and shook his head and said, "Babe." Clearly he was amused too. Then he suggested that if I wanted to see my parents I should invite them here for dinner instead of going there. Avoid the dragon's lair he said, which made me smile. It was true, here she couldn't pull me aside and berate me for leaving town or dating Ranger, but I kind of didn't want her to invade our space. I felt like this was our happy little place.

He just shrugged and told me to blow her off then, she couldn't demand to see me at her will. I was an adult. I didn't know about that, maybe it was the thirty plus years of the guilt she'd laid on me, but I couldn't just blow her off. So I ended up calling her.

She answered and sweetly asked if I was back in town, so I told her I was back. So then she asked me about the man I had been on a date with. I told her it was Ranger. As soon as she heard that her voice changed. She was disapproving then. She told me that Joe had been seen on dates with three different women in the last couple weeks, two of them weren't even Italian. I don't know why that makes a difference to her, she's not Italian either, but for some reason she looked down on people that weren't. I was pretty proud of how calm I stayed. I told her Joe broke up with me so we were both moving on. She snorted and I heard the glass clank, she was probably drinking again. She told me that she'd have dinner ready at six.

As soon as she said that my body tensed up, I knew I couldn't go there. Ranger wasn't wrong, she was a dragon and she'd destroy me if she got me into her kitchen. So I told her that I wanted to have her, dad, and Grandma Mazur over to our apartment for dinner. I wanted her to see where I was living and they could get to know Ranger better. She actually choked then and shrieked, "You're living with him? When were you going to tell us that?"

I sighed then. I didn't know why I didn't just blow her off like Ranger had suggested. This was going to be a disaster. So I finally just asked if she wanted to come over or not, she sighed back and said they would be over at six. I gave her the address, even though I knew dad knew where RangeMan was located, and told her I'd let the guys' at the gate know they were expected.

When I hung up I felt kind of sick. Ranger rubbed my back and told me it would be fine, he'd be there for me. I knew he would. It was just something about my mother that made me feel like I was a fuck up and this was the one thing I didn't want her to ruin for me. I loved being here with him.

I turned into his body, letting him hold me while he called down to Ella and told her that we'd be having my family over for dinner and I'd probably need some help getting the table set how I wanted it. When he hung up I pressed my lips to his and thanked him for doing this for me. He told me there was no thanks needed, they had to get used to seeing us together because he wasn't going anywhere.

So after lunch Ella came up to pick up our dirty dishes and helped me set up the dining room table for five and asked me about the menu. I have never hosted a dinner before, so thank god she just suggested a few things and asked what my parents liked to eat. We decided on green salads for starters, followed by chicken Kiev served with steamed green beans with roasted almonds, wild rice with broccoli florets, twice baked potatoes, dinner rolls, and berry tartlets for dessert. I have no idea how she's going to get all that made before dinner, she assured me that four hours was plenty of time with a gentle smile. I love Ella so much.

After that I curled up and watched Ghostbusters until it was time to get ready. I did my hair and make-up and picked through the new clothes that were filling the closet. I still can't believe he bought out half the store. He drives me crazy when he does stuff like that. I'd actually love to know what goes through his mind when he does it. Seriously. How do you go in planning to buy one dress and a pair of shoes and come back with a truck load? Not to mention the money. I hate when he spends money on me. I know he works hard for his money, putting in tons of hours, probably putting his life in danger, and god knows what else. I don't want him wasting it on me. It seems selfish to accept the gifts and even worse to enjoy them.

He came in while I was standing there staring at the clothes. He slipped his arms around my waist and pulled me back against his chest. He asked if he was still in trouble for buying the clothes, like he read my mind or something. I just shrugged and asked him what he'd imagined me wearing for our first dinner party.

He flipped through the tops and pulled out a sleeveless black silk top with a notched neckline and a pleated front placket. He handed me that before turning back to grab a pair of dark denim skinny jeans and a pair of bright pink FMP's with a four inch heel and ruby jewels adorning the toes. I looked at the outfit and tried to raise an eyebrow at him, but both went up. I really liked the outfit, with the simple dark clothes the bright shoes were perfect. He told me that they wouldn't be perfect until I put them on. Then he turned me and shoved me off toward the bathroom with a pat on my butt.

I looked back at him and something happened. It was like I was punched in the gut or something. I felt like all the air was knocked out of me and I was dizzy and all I could see was him. I closed my eyes and took a breath. There was no way I could deny my feelings anymore. I was falling in love with him, not the man I'd loved for years, but this man that he was now, here. What was I supposed to do with that knowledge?


	16. Chapter 16

**Author's notes…I just wanted to thank you all for reading and reviewing for me. I had a whole writer's block thing happening with this story. It brought up a lot of personal things, I even had nightmares a few times. Anyway, I think we're back on track now and I apologize for the delay in posting for the last week and not responding to reviews, but I have read them and they keep me going here. So, thank you in advance for getting me through the next few chapters.**

_September 15…0130_

_I can't sleep. I don't know if I'll ever sleep again. The thought of closing my eyes and not being able to see Stephanie scares the hell out of me. I'm afraid she'll slip through my fingers and leave me forever. Even now, I'm sitting in a chair at the side of the bed just watching her while I write this. _

_The thought of dating her had freaked me out for so long. I mean, come on, what the fuck do I know about relationships with women? Nothing. Shit, before Steph all I needed to do was leave some cash on a nightstand to call it a successful run with a woman. I didn't know how to turn what we had into something more. I didn't even think I should try. She deserved so much more than me. I always knew that, but I was just so weak I couldn't stay away from her. Even now, after I fucked up again, I can't walk away from her. She's mine now and I can't let her go. I can't trust anyone else to take care of her. She's too precious to me._

_I feel like a fucking fool though. A week. Only a god damned week she had been in my care and I already fucked it up. I should have just let her stay at Tank's house. I had been a fool to pull her out of there, where she was safe, but when she said she needed me I couldn't help myself. I needed her too. _

_I thought I'd been doing a good job. I was setting aside time to spend with her. Trying to make her feel how important she was to me. I was letting her into my life. I gave her the most secure, safest place in the city to live. I started seeing Ben again so I'd be able to deal with her condition to the best of my ability. But is any of that enough, am I enough? I hope so. _

_She needs me to be her strength right now and I plan to do the fighting for her until she's strong enough to do it on her own. I realized tonight that not only was she the only person I trust to share my life with, but I was the only person she could trust not to destroy hers. I don't know what I had been thinking when I suggested that we invite her family over to our apartment. I guess I had been thinking they were her family and they'd love her the way I did, unconditionally. That and I didn't want her going to their house, I thought if they came here it would put us on the higher ground. How wrong I was._

_She'd gotten dressed in one of her new outfits. It made her look absolutely beautiful and I told her that. I didn't want to intimidate her family. I just wanted to look like her boyfriend, yeah, I admitted that in writing. So I pulled on a pair of dark jeans and a stretchy red polo that I knew Steph would enjoy, the cut showed off my arms even better than my RangeMan tees. Plus, I loved how she went stupid every time I wore something other than black. It had worked like a charm. One look at me and her eyes turned that deep blue and her breath hitched. We ended up kissing until the guys called up to say her family had arrived._

_We met Mr. and Mrs. Plum and Mrs. Mazur at the front door, a move I stole from her mother. Okay, so I wanted to intimidate a little bit. I invited them in and offered them a drink as we settled them into the living room. Stephanie and I went to get the drinks together. I could tell she was tense so I pulled her against me and hugged her. She squeezed me back and kissed my neck softly. God, I loved when she did that. _

_When we broke apart I noticed all eyes were on us. Stephanie's cheeks turned pink, but I wasn't about to let them intimidate us. So I kissed her cheek and picked up the two glasses of wine. Steph followed with bottles of beer for her dad and me. _

_Mrs. Mazur broke the ice by telling me I had hot digs. God, that old woman amused the shit out of me when she tried to use ghetto slang. So I suggested that Steph show the women around while I spoke with her father. She gave me a terrified look, but got up and motioned for them to follow her. I didn't hear what her mother said, but I did hear her grandmother hoot in the bedroom and ask if that's where the magic happened. I wish._

_Once the women left her father looked as uncomfortable as I felt. I wasn't good with fathers. Okay, so besides Frank Plum the only other fathers I ever met belonged to the girl I took to Junior prom and the girl I'd knocked up after a one night stand, so not the best record, they all knew I'd fucked their daughters, Frank was no different. So what the hell do you say to the man whose daughter you're living with?_

_I just started talking, "Sir, Stephanie and I are living together, but we're taking things slow. I love her and intend to spend the rest of my life with her if she'll have me. I just wanted you to know that my intensions are nothing but honorable with her."_

_He just nodded back to me and asked me if I thought she belonged in my world. This apartment and the clothes and the cars were a little out of her league. I didn't like the way he said that. She belonged wherever I was and if she didn't want any of these things I'd sell them and buy things that suited her. I'd do anything for her and told him that. He nodded again and told me that she wasn't house wife material. I had a fucking housekeeper, marrying Steph would have nothing to do with her cooking and cleaning for me. He just nodded again and said, "Good." Then he shook my hand. _

_I guess he was a man of few words. After that he asked about my TV picking up the games. So I found the football game for him and we sat back and watched it in silence until the women emerged from the bedroom. Stephanie looked slightly nervous again so I got up and offered to help her put dinner out. _

_Mrs. Plum narrowed her eyes at me, but didn't say anything. She just watched us pull together the salads and dressing and bring them to the table. Stephanie returned and grabbed the bread basket and butter. _

_I seated myself at the head of the table and Steph took the chair directly to my right with her Grandmother next to her. Mr. and Mrs. Plum took the two chairs across from them. "I'm surprised you could even put a salad together," her mother told her before she took a bite. _

_"I can mix raw vegetables," Steph muttered. I felt my hands clench under the table. I wanted to toss her out of the apartment on her ear right then. I should have._

_"Did you cook the rest of the meal?" she asked knowingly._

_"No, Ella prepared the meal. I just have to keep it warm and put the finishing touches on things," she said again. I could tell the questions were bothering Steph, and by looking at her mother I could tell she was doing it on purpose. The bitch wanted Steph to feel like she failed again._

_She asked who Ella was, so I took Steph's hand in mine and told Mrs. Plum that Ella was our housekeeper. Then she asked Stephanie what she was doing all day if I paid someone to cook and clean for me. I squeezed her hand to get her attention and shook my head no so she wouldn't answer. I just said that Stephanie and I had a business to run, she was working for me, so mundane things like cooking and cleaning were left to the help. The glare Mrs. Plum gave me gave me was proof as to where Steph had gotten her Burg death glare from. _

_Stephanie excused herself from the table and went to the kitchen to get the main course. Her grandmother excused herself and followed her into the kitchen and helped bring out bowls of beans and rice. Stephanie made a couple trips, bringing plates with chicken breasts and potatoes, which she settled neatly onto the chargers in front of each of us. Everything looked and tasted amazing. She did a really good job of picking out a menu, and I told her that. Her grandmother and father agreed. Her mother just nodded at us. _

_To say the atmosphere between her mother and her was tense would be an understatement. The woman radiated evil. I didn't know why she would treat Stephanie that way. Before tonight I knew she was a bossy, drunk, but I had no idea she went out of her way to make Steph feel like she was worthless. _

_I stepped in where I could, even helping Steph clear the plates and bring out dessert so her mother couldn't get her away from me, but at the end of dessert I got a phone call I had to take. There was a security breech at one of the banks we secured. Luckily I didn't have to leave her alone with them, because the ten minutes I was out of the room was enough._

_I walked back in to find Mrs. Mazur flipping channels on the large TV while Mr. Plum argued with her to turn the game back on. Stephanie was at the kitchen sink with her mother next to her. I heard from across the room the words coming out of her mouth, "Do you think Joseph will take you back after you've been living here, playing whore to that man," she hissed at her. Stephanie's hands were balled into fists, but she didn't respond at all, she just stood there. "Do you think you belong here? Look at this place, no matter how much money he puts into making you look the part you'll never belong. You belong home in The Burg with a nice man like Joseph. The only thing a man like that wants from a girl like you, is sex."_

_I heard enough. I charged through to the kitchen and stepped between Mrs. Plum and Steph. I let my eyes go cold and empty as I stared at her. She visibly paled. I told her that she couldn't come in here and make assumptions that were completely wrong. She had no right to speak to her daughter so disrespectfully. Then I told her she needed to get out of our home. By that time Frank Plum had come to his wife's side and pulled her toward the door._

_Mrs. Mazer kissed Steph's cheek and patted my cheek. She told me to keep doing whatever I was doing to help Stephanie before she followed them out of the room. I called the guys downstairs and told them to make sure they left the building and to not allow them back inside._

_I turned to Stephanie, she still hadn't moved. She just stood there, gripping a knife in her hand. I hadn't even noticed her pick it up and the blank look on her face scared the shit out of me. I spoke to her quietly while I moved to take the knife from her hand. She still hadn't responded to me at that point._

_When I pulled her against me and hugged her, she broke. Great sobs racked her entire body as she clung to me. I lifted her in my arms and carried her to our bed. I laid her down and crawled in beside her, holding her and rubbing her back to try to soothe her. I had never felt like a bigger fool than at that moment. _

_I trusted her family not to hurt her and they did this. I don't think I'd ever wanted to kill someone as much as I did Helen Plum. I wanted to take her apart piece by fucking piece while she was still alive to feel it. The only thing that kept me from going after her and doing just that was Stephanie's little fingers wrapped around the fabric of my shirt._

_She was trying to speak in between sobs. I tried to piece together what she was saying, but I could only make out bits and pieces. She was worried about leaving the apartment and not being safe. I promised to protect her. I knew I'd never fail her again. The next time that woman tried to hurt her she'd be dead. _

_Steph just kept babbling at me, as the words became clear the intension behind them became even clearer. God, why didn't I recognize the signs earlier. I knew she was being treated for depression and anxiety. I just never thought about Stephanie being broken enough that she'd want to give up. She was always so strong and resilient or at least she pretended to be. Maybe we weren't that different after all, could she be hiding behind a mask too? _

_When she started babbling about how I would be better off without her, everyone would, and how I would be safer if I didn't have to come save her all the time, I started to panic myself. I didn't want to believe it could be true. _

_I felt like I was starting to lose my mind. I started shouting at her, demanding that she promise not to leave me, and crying tears of pain imagining what it would be like if I lost her. I couldn't lose her. I needed her so much. I loved her more than anything. When she agreed to my irrational demands I broke. I just clung to her and kissed her like I'd never have another chance to do it. _

_I finally asked her if she had been planning to hurt herself. When I heard her tell me how she planned her death, thought it out and had chosen the best way to go, I felt like I'd been hit with a truck. God, my greatest fear was not being in time to save her and here she was living with me and I could have lost her so easily. I had weapons she could use against herself all over this place. _

_I didn't think twice about immediately boxing up anything I thought she could use against herself, knives, razors, poison, pills. I had to get it out of her reach. Zero probably thought I was a mad man, but he knew better than to question me. He took the box of stuff and brought it to Ella to lock up. _

_By that point Steph was just lying on our bed looking like the life had been taken out of her. I needed to touch her, just to reassure myself she was still here. I needed to make her understand that she wasn't alone and I wasn't angry with her. She needed to know that I would never send her away. That everything her mother had said to her was bullshit. _

_I did the only thing I could think to do. I crawled back into the bed and pulled her against me, then I opened myself up and started talking. I told her about my own suicide attempts all those years ago. I didn't know what it would help. I guess at least she'd know she wasn't alone. She wasn't the only one that felt broken. She'd know the helpless, worthless feelings would pass. Then I told her I loved her, that I needed her, and that I wanted to be with her forever. I wanted her to promise me that she wouldn't leave me. I couldn't live without her. _

_She started to cry when I told her that, but she didn't pull away. She just told me she would try not to hurt herself. I hoped to God that if she got to that point again she'd hear my words in her head the way I'd heard Tank's so long ago. I hoped I was enough to keep her going._

_I managed to get her clothes off and tuck her into bed. I didn't leave her side after that. I think I'm afraid she'll disappear. I can't lose her._


	17. Chapter 17

****Author's notes...I feel like this was a really long chapter, but I wanted to get it all out there at once. I think Stephanie is finally starting to face some truths she's been hiding from here, even if she's still hiding from all the emotions that come with the truth, but I wanted to end this chapter on a positive note. Again, thank you for the reviews and support. There are mentions of things that happened in some of the later books in this chapter, though I don't think it's a spoiler to the stories as a whole, but there is the warning.****

September 15…3pm

Ranger actually let me sleep in today, waking me just after eight. It had been a long and draining night. I knew we had both slept poorly, but I was still surprised to find him in bed with me that late in the day. Even on a few hours sleep, he never missed his work outs.

We didn't talk about what happened the night before. We both seemed to tip toe around it. I kind of wondered if he was afraid to leave me in the apartment alone, but I figured we'd talk about that when he was ready. All he said to me this morning was that he cleared his schedule and he was going to see Dr. Westin with me. So we showered, grabbed a bagel, and headed over for my ten o'clock.

I went into my session today ready for Dr. Westin to get on my ass about not telling him about the recurring suicidal thoughts I'd been having, but that's not how the session shaped up at all.

He said he wanted to talk to me about why I felt like I was an embarrassment and a disappointment to the people in my life. I laughed at him and told him that I didn't think, I knew I was an embarrassment because I'd been called one my entire life. He asked me if I remembered the first time I was told I was an embarrassment.

I shook my head yes. I think I remembered every time I'd been called an embarrassment or some version of it. He asked me if I could tell him about how it happened. I closed my eyes. I didn't want to talk about it, but just thinking about it had it right there, in the front of my mind. I could see it and feel it happening again. Dr. Westin told me to breathe through it. He did some deep breathing that I imitated. Then he asked me again to share the memory with him. I shook my head no. Then he asked if it had been my mother that had called me names. I shook my head yes. He asked me if I was a small child at the time. I shook my head yes again. Then he spoke softly, he asked me if I'd ever told anyone about the things she said to me. I shook my head no then. He went on then, telling me that I was safe there and that no one would know what she'd said to me, except me and him. He said he needed me to talk about it or he couldn't help me fight my feelings. I shook my head no again. I didn't think I could do it. He told me that I could do it. That I had to help him help me. He couldn't do this alone. I shook my head yes then. He asked me if I wanted to fight, if I wanted to get better. I did, I wanted to fight. I had to. I promised Ranger I would fight. So he asked me to tell him about that first time again. I took another large breath and swallowed hard before I started to talk quietly, telling him what had happened.

You wouldn't think it would be something I'd remember considering it happened twenty-eight years ago, but it was right there just like it was yesterday. I was playing with some of the neighborhood girls, including my sister Valerie and my best friend Mary Lou. They all had strollers with baby dolls they were pushing around the block. My mom forced me to take the stroller and doll she bought me too, but I didn't want to play mommy. So I dumped my stroller and took the doll and tossed her up into a tree. I was going to save her from the tree with my superpowers. So I tucked my dress into my panties, I needed to look like Wonder Woman, and climbed the tree. Of course my mom had gotten ten phone calls before I was even halfway up the tree. I was hauled down by my shrieking mother as she screamed at me that I was nothing but an embarrassment. None of the other little girls tried to scale trees like a boy, especially with their panties showing. I was a disgrace.

Dr. Westin asked if I was trying to embarrass my mother when I climbed the tree. I shook my head no. I was just being myself. Every time I tried to be myself she would act like I was ruining her life. She shrieked about her embarrassment and what the neighborhood would think and the phone calls she received. She never cared that I was happiest when I was having those adventures, she just hated that I wasn't like my sister.

I guess that was just another embarrassment in a long list of times I disappointed that woman. To Mother, I never acted the way a Burg girl should act. Everything I did was an embarrassment to her. I couldn't even play with my friends without destroying her day. I would choose a male profession when we were playing house, Mary Lou would be the mom and I'd go to work and chase bad guys. I'd be Peter Pan and she'd be Wendy. She'd be Sleeping Beauty and I'd have the sword to slay the dragon and save her. All of it was an embarrassment to my mother.

Dr. Westin asked if she ever hit me or physically punished me for my behavior. I said no. It was always yelling, crying, telling me that I was stupid or embarrassing or disappointing. The worst punishment she gave me as a child was probably after I jumped off the roof and broke my arm. I think she was ready to ship me off somewhere after that, but instead she just locked me in my room for a week.

Dr. Westin asked me if being locked in my room had made me feel worse than the yelling. I said no. The yelling was worse. Then he asked me if I remembered the worst she ever made me feel as a child. I did. It was probably when I followed Joe Morelli into his garage when I was six. He molested me that day.

Dr. Westin stopped me and asked me about what happened in Morelli's garage. I shrugged at him then. I'd been warned not to go over there, because he was trouble and was doing things that weren't 'right'. I didn't listen though. I went over there and he took me into the garage, told me he wanted to teach me a new game called Choo Choo. He took my panties off, crawled under my dress, and put his finger inside of me. Over and over.

Dr. Westin asked me how that made me feel. It made me feel yucky and scared at the time, but when my mother found out she yelled at me and made me swear to never tell anyone that I had been there. She didn't want the entire neighborhood talking about me going into that garage. She yelled at me that I was told not to go there, but did it anyway. She told me that if I would behave like a lady, then men wouldn't be tempted to touch me like I was a whore. I didn't know what a whore was, I was six, but the words remained stuck in my head since. I guess that had made me feel even worse, like I had done something so horrible that she was embarrassed again. I was really ashamed and had kept it to myself for a long time.

Then he asked if Morelli had molested me on any other occasions. He hadn't done that again. I learned not to go back over there when I was little, but we had sex when I was sixteen.

Dr. Westin asked me if we had been dating at the time. We hadn't been dating. I still wasn't sure why I gave into him. I guess part of me wanted to know what it was like to be a slut or a whore. I had been called one for years, but had never even had sex. He asked me to explain to him why I was called a whore. I shrugged then.

I guess in junior high things between my mother and I had gotten even worse. The other girls my age started to go on dates and asked their mom's for preppy Gap clothes. I decided I was into heavy metal music and fast cars, not the guys that drove them. She was so embarrassed by my man shoes and black clothing that she didn't want to be seen in public with me, which wasn't all that awful for me. When I told her that I was going over to the Morelli's house one day, I think she was relieved that I was seeing a boy, later when I came home covered in oil she realized that I'd only been there to see Anthony pull the motor from his car, it was fascinating. I was grounded and screamed at over and over for acting like a man. She told me that it was embarrassing that her daughter knew how to change oil in a car, but couldn't bake a cake. She told me a few times she wished I had been born a boy.

Dr. Westin wrote something down and then asked me when I changed my appearance, I guess it was clear that I didn't dress like a boy anymore. I remembered my mother's comments echoing through my head while some boys a few years older than me started to harass me, calling me a dyke. I was sick of being called names and teased by everyone around me. I know being gay isn't something to be ashamed of, but I wasn't gay and the name calling really hurt me. I guess that was it for me.

I was fifteen at the time of metamorphosis. Just after starting high school I turned myself into a Jersey girl. The man shoes were traded for FMP's and my pony tail was traded for four inch mall bangs and mascara. I started climbing out the bathroom window to meet Mary Lou. We'd sneak out and party with some of the local boys. By then my tomboy image was buried behind the short skirt of my twirler uniform, bright lipstick, and nail polish. I'd only had one boyfriend before the night with Morelli, but I wasn't completely innocent. I never left a party alone, I was kissed and felt up by a dozen different classmates between freshman and sophomore years.

Of course my mother told me my behavior was inappropriate. I was acting like a slut and the neighbors were talking about me. She couldn't go anywhere without being embarrassed by the talk of me whoring with some boy or another. She finally told me that the only good thing to come of me being loose with boys was that the neighbors knew I wasn't into women. I'm not going to lie and say I didn't think about trying to be a lesbian at that point, just to piss my mother off, but I just didn't swing that way. Then again, by the way she hissed about me being a whore I would have thought being gay would have been preferable, but I guess there is no making her happy.

I remember the night the shit really hit the fan. She caught me making out with Carl Costanza after one of the neighbors called to tell her we'd been in his car for fifteen minutes. I was grounded after that, locked in my room with no telephone or TV. I needed to think about my behavior.

Maybe it was her constant name calling and harassment that pushed me back to Joe Morelli. If I wanted to prove to her just how slutty I was there was one sure fire way to do it. Fucking Joe Morelli was a rite of passage for any Burg slut. When he hit on me I wasn't interested, but in the back of my mind I just kept hearing my mother tell me how disappointed she was with my reputation. I think that's what made me decide to have sex with him. He fucked me on the floor of the bakery I was working at and when he was done there were no sweet words or promises of love like I always imagined there would be. He just pulled up his pants and said, "See ya around, Cupcake." He left me there on the floor.

Dr. Westin nodded to me and asked what happened after I'd had sex with Morelli. I felt so humiliated and used afterward and so ashamed of myself. I just went home and cried and hoped no one would find out, but that didn't happen.

I found out the next day he wrote all about fucking me at the bakery on walls all over The Burg. Everyone read it and everyone knew what happened between us. I didn't date anyone else the entire time I was in high school because of it. The guys all thought I was a whore like Morelli said and expected as much from me. I thought he ruined my life at the time, he just made me feel so cheap and dirty.

By the time I had gotten up my mother had heard the same story. She slapped me across the face and called me a stupid little slut. She couldn't believe that I hadn't learned my lesson to stay away from that boy. She kept telling me about how many phone calls she'd gotten, how many times people from church told her they'd pray for her slut of a daughter, and how many disapproving looks she'd gotten from women at the deli. She was truly disappointed by me and the latest embarrassment I'd caused.

Dr. Westin asked me how I dealt with her anger. I had gotten used to it by then, I guess. Part of me really started to hate Joe Morelli for what he did to me. I guess I blamed him for all the hurt. Three years later, when I saw him standing on the sidewalk, full of swagger just like always, I lost it. All the emotions I'd had bottled up inside of me burst. I didn't realized what I was doing. I just hit the gas on my dad's car and jumped the curb, driving straight toward him. In the end I'm glad I didn't kill him. I just broke his leg in a few places. The bad part is, it didn't really make me feel any better. I still heard my mother's cries of shame.

Not only didn't I feel better after I hit him, but I was even more of an embarrassment then. Not only was her daughter The Burg slut for fucking around with Morelli, but after I hit him with the car I was crazy too. She threatened to disown me at that point. She couldn't take the gossip about me. She was so embarrassed by me and my behavior.

Dr. Westin asked me why she hadn't gone through with her threat to disown me if she was so upset by my constant embarrassment. I shrugged then. I was probably because I gave up after that. I was so miserable and disappointed with myself for letting Joe use me that I began to think my mother was right. I stopped running around with boys. I went to college. Eventually I found a man to marry me like my sister did. I wasn't happy, but my mother was. I guess that's when I decided it didn't matter how I felt, I just messed everything up when I did things my way anyway. So I let her talk me into marrying The Dick. She was never happier than when I was married to him.

Dr. Westin asked if things changed with my mother when my marriage dissolved. I thought through the divorce from The Dick and how she'd been so pissed at me for filing for divorce. She didn't understand how I couldn't allow my husband to have his affairs, all men in The Burg did. As long as we were both quiet about it no one would talk about it. I didn't give a shit if people talked about it. I wasn't going to stay with a man that treated me like shit. She couldn't stand that my name was a topic again. She was embarrassed by my behavior during the divorce so badly that she immediately started to find new men for me to marry.

Dr. Westin asked me how I felt about that. I rolled my eyes then. I wasn't about to get married and go through that again. Once was enough for this lifetime. Then he asked me if things changed after that, if I stopped giving into her demands after the divorce.

I guess things changed a little. I haven't completely broken away from her. I wish I could. She's still trying to push me into marrying someone that will take care of me or trying to find me a job that's safe. She doesn't like the embarrassment that my job causes. She's almost as bad as Joe.

She's broken me down a few times to the point where I thought she may have been right, but I haven't allowed her to win again. Part of me wonders if giving in and marrying Joe would be the same as when I allowed her to talk me into marrying The Dick. Maybe that's why I'd never take the next step with him.

Dr. Westin's next question was how does Ranger fit into what you've told me? I bit my lip while I thought about that question. He doesn't fit into it. He doesn't fit into any of my mother's plans. He isn't an option as far as being a husband, at least in her eyes, he's not the typical, blue collar, Italian, Burg man. Dr. Westin asked if Ranger lacking those things was a deal breaker in my book. I laughed then, I think the laugh surprised him. The only deal breaker in my book as far as Ranger was concerned was the fact that he didn't want me that way.

He asked if Ranger ever treated me like an embarrassment. I shook my head no. He's never told me that something I had done embarrassed him. Hell, he'd hugged me when I was covered in garbage. He's let me ride in his car when I smelled up the entire police station. I've been at my absolute worst, burned hair, bruises, and bags under my eyes and he's told me he wanted me, and I believed him. I've blown up his cars, accidently, and all he did was give me another car. He's never judged me or treated me differently, he was just always there for me.

He asked me then how having Ranger and my mother together last night affected me. He surprised me with that question. It wasn't good.

Last night had been pure hell. The dinner with my parent's was a disaster. I don't know why I gave in to her demands to see me, but for some reason I can't tell her no or stay away from her. I should have known that she wouldn't be able to keep her comments to herself though.

Right from the start I saw her eyeballing Ranger and me, looking us over disapprovingly. I don't even know what reason she had to look at him that way. His hair was cut short and styled nicely, he was wearing those sexy designer jeans of his with a tight fitting polo shirt that was red, not black or anything. He didn't have any weapons, visible, on his body. We just looked like a nice, normal couple, at least in my eyes.

We got their drinks from the kitchen together. He could tell I was upset so he hugged me. It was one of the few things that could calm me so I hugged him back and kissed his neck before letting go. The look on my mother's face was somewhere between rage and disgust. She just narrowed her eyes at him, but he didn't seem to notice.

After she moved on from glaring at Ranger she went to staring at the apartment. I could have hit him when he suggested I show her around the apartment. I didn't want her seeing our home. Luckily, Grandma Mazur came along so she kept the majority of her comments to herself.

She looked at the granite counters and high end kitchen appliances and said it was a shame I couldn't cook since it was clearly made for a woman that could cook. Then I'd shown them the bedroom. Grandma was in heaven, she looked around '_Ranger's love den_' and wanted to know if that's where he made the magic happen. I wish. Mother just looked back and forth, avoiding the bed like it had cooties or something. I felt myself roll my eyes when she commented that it was very clean.

Grandma was just as excited about the bathroom, leaning into the shower to inhale his shower gel. She sighed and did a little eyebrow wagging. I didn't blame her, that stuff still had that effect on me. Mother still didn't say much, just that he must have paid an arm and a leg to the designer he had do the place. I shrugged back, I'd never asked.

Next I led them through to the dressing room. Grandma's eyes lit up and she nearly yelled, "Well, hot damn." She started looking through the dresses and shoes that were in their spots before moving on to look at his suits and ties. My mother looked at me and made a 'tst' sound. So I asked what that meant. She just pulled out a dress and asked me what I had to do for a wardrobe like that. I closed my eyes and counted to ten, but the anger didn't subside. I didn't like that she was calling me a whore again. Grandma didn't either, she told Mother to shut it and told me that I was a lucky girl. I thought so too.

After a peek into the home office I took them back out to the living room while I went to get the salads started. Ranger came in to help me carry the bowls out to the table. I wish we could have just snuck away together right then.

Dinner was much of the same, comments about me not being able to cook or keep a house. Hinting that I'd be a terrible wife. I wanted to scream at her and ask if I was so terrible that Ranger shouldn't want me, why would any man want me then. But I didn't.

Ranger took over the conversation, answering for me, and shutting down her criticism. Okay, so he told her that her housewife duties were mundane and that he had 'help' to do those things for me, like I was too good for it. I did enjoy the look on her face when he said that.

After dinner though he was called out of the room and she struck with full force. As soon as no one else was in ear shot she started going on about how disappointing it was that her daughter was lowering herself to being used by some criminal. She told me she wouldn't be able to leave her house once my latest embarrassment made it around The Burg. I told her I wasn't embarrassed to be living with Ranger. She just snorted at that and told me that I was stupid if I thought he wanted anything from me besides sex. Once he was sick of me he'd toss me out on my ass just like Dickie and Joe had.

I think that's when I really started to listen to her. It was like she knew the worse things in the world to say to me and she struck with them. Over and over calling me a whore and telling me that Ranger wanted me for nothing more than sex. Telling me that I ruined my life because Joe wouldn't want me back when Ranger was done with me. Asking me to look around, reminding me that I didn't fit into Ranger's lifestyle, no matter how much money he put into trying to make me fit, I'd always be a Burg girl that wasn't good enough, just like I had been with Dickie.

I don't know what happened then, it was like everything went black. I couldn't hear or see her anymore. I knew I was standing there, but I felt nothing. I don't even know how long that lasted. The next thing I knew I was lying in Ranger's arms. He was cradling me while he rocked me back and forth speaking to me in a soothing tone. I'm not sure what he said since it was in Spanish, but eventually I was able to open my eyes to look at him. That was when I noticed I was sobbing.

"Shhh, Babe, don't cry. I heard what she said. She's wrong. I want you here with me," he whispered to me as he repeatedly kissed my face. "Please. I'm so sorry. I'm trying my best to do this, but I keep fucking up. I shouldn't have let them come here."

Something inside me just burst at that point. Everything that I had bottled up inside myself suddenly poured out at him. It probably didn't make sense. I wasn't thinking in complete thoughts, but I can tell you what I was trying to say to him was a jumble of these thoughts: I can't leave here, my apartment isn't safe, he'll take me again, then he'll kill you, I can't lose you, you have to keep me here where we're both safe.

He kept rocking me through it all, saying, "We're both safe. We're in our apartment with the building locked up and the guys downstairs looking out for us. No one will hurt us here. I promise. I won't let anyone hurt you again."

I was still sobbing and babbling at him, "You shouldn't get hurt because of me. I should be the one that gets hurt. I should be the one that dies. If I die you'll be safe. I can't live without you." I don't know how long I kept saying those words out loud, but they echoed through my mind over and over until he finally shook me.

"God, Babe, don't say that. I can't live without you either," he shouted at me. When I looked up at him he was crying too. "Promise me you won't leave me? No matter what you think would be better for me, you don't leave me. Promise me." The panic in his voice startled me. "Don't leave me, Stephanie. I need you," he pleaded.

When I finally whispered back to him that I wouldn't leave he kissed me. The kind of kiss that dripped with the desperation of a drowning man fighting to hold onto something solid. We laid there clinging to one another for a long time.

He finally asked me if I ever thought about trying to hurt myself. I was startled by that. I hadn't expressed those thoughts out loud to anyone, but I'd repeatedly been thinking through ways to end my own life for months now. It had gotten better after Dr. Westin put me on the medication, but there were still a lot of ups and downs. When those downs hit I thought about how easy it would be to use my stupid gun one last time, to eat the only bullet I had in there. In the end I knew I couldn't use the gun so I bought four bottles of sleeping pills. I thought it would be the easiest way. Who didn't want to go peacefully in their sleep? Plus my family could have an open casket then, if I shot myself in the head my grandma would be disappointed not to be able to show me properly.

I guess I'd talked through that out loud. The next thing I knew Ranger tossed me off his lap and ran into the closet. I watched as he emptied my purse. He put my gun in the back waistband of his pants then collected all the pill bottles. Then he took everything into the bathroom where he started pulling open cupboards and yanking out containers of cleaner and medicine and what I thought were his razor blades. He carried the collection to the kitchen where he did the same thing, collecting all the toxics and sharps.

Minutes later Zero appeared at the door with a box. They loaded everything into the box and Zero disappeared with the stuff. Ranger had yet to speak to me. I followed him back into the bedroom, he went to his gun safe and unloaded my gun before he added it to his collection. Funny thing is, he took off the gun and knife he was wearing and dumped them inside the safe too. Once everything was locked away he looked at me. Just stared at me really. "I don't take chances." That was it, that's what he said to me.

I was embarrassed by my behavior and the fact that he had to baby proof his apartment. I curled up on the bed and closed my eyes. He crawled in behind me and began to speak in a quiet tone. "I had a hard time dealing with some of the things that happened in Afghanistan. I tried to dull things with booze and drugs, but after a while it stopped working. I kept reliving the images, things that I didn't want to admit to being part of. I just couldn't stop my mind from seeing it. I felt like I was going crazy." I knew exactly what he meant. It was where I was. "It was getting close to the end of my contract. I couldn't stay where I was, but I knew I wasn't fit to go home. I felt like there was really only one option for a person like me, so I tried to kill myself." I felt myself stiffen at his words. "I was so fucked up from the amount of drugs I'd taken I couldn't even get the safety off my gun so I just slashed my wrists and laid there waiting for it to end." I finally asked him how he lived. "Tank. He found me and brought me to his tent. He brought Bobby in. They managed to stitch up my wrists and get blood and fluids into my system. I was out of it for most of the next day, Bobby lied and told the CO that I had a stomach infection."

"Did you try it again?" I asked quietly.

"I thought about it. I held my gun to my head twice after that, but I kept hearing Tank's words echoing through my mind. Yelling at me that The Great Fucking Manoso couldn't take the coward's way out, that my best friend hadn't taken a bullet for me just so I could turn around and kill myself, and that there was something better out there somewhere and I'd find it someday. So I decided to try to fix myself. I went home, got into detox, and started working with Dr. Westin."

"And he fixed you?" I asked, hoping me could fix me too.

"No. I'd hardly say I'm fixed, but I'm still working on it." He kissed my neck then. "It would destroy what's left of me if something were to happen to you, Steph."

I struggled with that. I wasn't that important. I wasn't sure why he felt the need to save me over and over, but it wasn't his responsibility. The danger was all mine, he didn't deserve it. I tried to tell him this, but he told me no. Just no. So I asked, "No?"

"No, I don't think of you as my responsibility. No, I don't save you out of some sort of honor. No, you are that important. I save you because I love you." I just closed my eyes and listened to what he was saying. "When I found you, I found that something better I'd been searching for. You're my reason to be now. I love you so much. I'm going to keep fighting to get better, because I need you in my life, forever, Steph. Will you fight for me too?"

I turned in his arms and held him while I cried. He'd opened up to me more than I would have ever dreamed he would. He shared real feelings with me. He made me believe that if we loved each other enough things would be alright. I wanted so badly to believe him.

Dr. Westin asked me why I didn't believe him. I shrugged. He asked if a part of me still feared Ranger only wanted a sexual relationship with me. I shrugged again. Then he asked if hearing my mother voice my fears had set off my panic attack. This time I knew the answer was yes. I nodded to him.

Then he asked if he could bring Ranger into the room. He had a session scheduled for himself anyway, but the doctor thought we would benefit from talking together. I took a breath and said yes.

The moment Ranger sat down he looked at me. I could see the concern on his face, but he didn't speak. Instead Dr. Westin asked me if I wanted to tell him what we'd just discovered set off my attack last night. I really, really didn't. Ranger's eyes implored me to share though so I nodded again.

For the first time that day I felt the emotions that had gone with all that I had said to Dr. Westin. I felt that pain and tightness in my chest, the tears on my face, and heard the breathlessness in my voice, but I spoke. I told him everything my mother said to me and then told him that it was one of my biggest fears, that he didn't want me for more than sex. That he'd get tired of me and toss me away again. He just asked, "Again?" I nodded and reminded him about sending me back to Morelli after the first time we were together. I told him how much he'd hurt me.

He looked stunned by my words, he tried to speak, but I held up my hand to stop him. If I was going to say it, I needed to do it now, while I had the strength to do it. He did stop speaking, he just looked at me and waited for me to go on. I told him that I had feelings for him before that night, but after we made love that night I realized how much I wanted to be with him. I tried to tell him that, but he shut me down and told me it'd never happen. He told me to go fix things with Morelli. So when Joe came back I let him in. I didn't want my heart broken again.

I even tried to tell him I loved him a few times since then, but I was afraid of rejection so I kept myself closed off from him the best I could. I didn't understand how he could tell me that he loved me in one breath and then tell me it was in his own way, or for sex and not marriage, or that I was nothing but entertainment to him and his men. Those things hurt me so badly, it was like he was twisting a knife right through my heart.

He was out of his chair then, kneeling in front of me. He took my hands and dropped his face into my lap. He just said, "I've let you in enough that you know how broken I am, Steph. I didn't know what to do with my feelings for you. I do love you in my own way. I've never loved anyone before. I don't know if it's how I'm supposed to feel or how I'm supposed to do things. I certainly never thought I was good enough for you. I never thought I could offer you the life you wanted or deserved. The only thing that made sense in my head was offering you a physical relationship, because I didn't want to hurt you when I fucked things up between us, but I couldn't just walk away from you. I needed to be near you." He moved into me then, hugging me around the waist. "I never meant for my words to hurt you," he told me.

It did hurt though. I felt like he was too embarrassed to be seen tied to me that way. "You know that I don't think you're an embarrassment," he said to me. I just shrugged at him.

I supposed it was true, he wasn't embarrassed by me, but I was still an amusement to him and the guys. "You might not be embarrassed by me, but my embarrassment amuses you. I'm a fucking line item in your budget, entertainment, remember? How do you think that makes me feel?" I yelled at him. I think it might have been the first time I ever had an outburst like that at him.

He looked stunned for moment before sitting back on his heels and speaking. "Stephanie, I never meant that like it must have sounded to you," he said. He seemed to be searching for the words to try to explain things to me. "Shit, there is no good way to say this. My accountant needed a place to budget all the money I was spending on you so I had him put it under entertainment, because you're the only entertainment I have." He shook his head like he didn't think that was good enough. "You know me well enough to know that I'm not a naturally happy guy, but when you're around I'm happy. You make me smile and laugh. Hell, you do the same for my men. It's not because we think you're a joke, but because you are so innocent and sweet and caring. The things you do are so amazing and brave and unexpected, it amuses us to have someone like you in our lives," he tried to explain.

I was shocked by his confession. "Like what?" I asked.

He just started to laugh then. "Babe, there are so many ways you've made us smile. Remember when you stunned Hal? The security tape of that is still one of their favorites."

I laughed at the memory of that too. Poor Hal.

"That group sex night tape from the distraction job is one of my favorites too," he told me. I couldn't help but laugh when he flashed me that wolf grin of his. "Tank really likes the story about you stapling that dudes nuts." I was laughing too, when those memories were said like that, they were funny. "All the guys still talk about the Porsche getting pancaked by the garbage truck. They can't believe I didn't ship you off to a third world country," he told me with a grin. So I asked him why he didn't. He leaned in and kissed my nose. Then he said, "Because my life would be boring without you."

I cringed a little thinking about all the trouble I'd caused him over the years. I tried to tell him I was sorry for it, but he stopped me and said, "I'm not. Remember when you washed the vomit off my gun and gave it back smelling like oranges? Because it was yucky?" I nodded my head yes. "I wasn't having a good day, to say the least, I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to find Orin before he killed one of us." I nodded yes again. "Well, I don't know if anything had ever been cuter than you telling me my gun was yucky and that you scrubbed it with a vegetable brush. Well, maybe the death cooties on your couch, that was pretty cute too." He started laughing then. "Babe, I live for those moments."

"Honestly, you don't think I'm a joke?" I asked him. I think I would have died had he said yes, but he didn't.

"No. In this hell that I've lived, you are my angel. You always have been," he said. Those simple words said more to me than any other he'd ever spoken.

I just whispered, "Thank you." I didn't know what else to tell him. He never lied to me so I knew he was being honest.

Then he took my hand again and said, "I'm really bad at speaking what I feel. I've been trying to open up to you, to show you that I want a real relationship with you. Those promises I made you last night, I meant them. I love you and I want to be with you, forever. I want us to fight this illness and come out stronger. I'm not going to leave or send you away. I want every part of you and I'll shout it from the rooftops if you want me to. I'd be proud to call you mine."

I felt the tears wet on my face, but didn't want to let go of his hands to wipe at them again. I just nodded yes to him. I wanted the same things. Then somehow the words came out of my mouth, "I love you, Ranger."

He leaned in and pressed a little peck of a kiss to my lips. "I know. I love you too," he answered.

Dr. Westin cleared his throat then and smiled at us. When he spoke it was to Ranger. He told him that he understood his concerns for my safety, but aside from adjusting my medication there was nothing more medically that he could do, I would have to work through my issues with time, just like he did.

Then he addressed me and told me that if I had anymore thoughts of self-harm I needed to tell one of the guys or call him immediately. I nodded my understanding. He also told me that I should refrain from speak to or seeing my family until I was feeling healthy enough to deal with them. He said I should go with my gut feeling, if there is someone that causes me stress I should avoid them for now. I didn't need the additional stress.

Then he told Ranger to keep supporting me and loving me like he was. I think my face turned bright red then. Ranger just smiled at me and told me I'd have so much support from him and the guys that I'd probably be trying to stun Hal to get out of the building again. I laughed a little at the joke. He wiped the tears off my cheeks and handed me a tissue.

After we left the doctor's office Ranger drove downtown and stopped at the café we'd first met at. We had a quiet lunch in the back booth. We didn't talk much. I was kind of lost in my own thoughts. I had never allowed myself to think about my mother's words or actions before, but when I had spoken them out loud today it was like the bigger picture was there now and I couldn't get it out of my mind. It also made me think about all the other relationships that I had considered so important to me over the years.

I'd only finished half of my grilled chicken sandwich and a few fries when Ranger tossed some cash onto the table and pulled me out of the booth. He hugged me against his chest and kissed my forehead before walking us back out to the car. I wished I had been better company, but I just had too much to think about.

By the time we arrived home, he looked worried. I told him I was alright, or at least I wasn't going to freak out on him again like I had the night before. We ended up on the couch, with me snuggled onto his lap. He just held me and told me if I wanted to talk about it, he'd listen.

I finally just told him that I didn't have a mother. She had never treated me like a person. I was always something to control, but I wasn't like Val, she couldn't control me. I think that made her hate me on some level or maybe she was just trying to hurt me enough that she could get that control back.

He held me a little tighter and told me that she'd never get control of me again. Then he pointed out that I had been fighting for control of my own life since the day we had met. He told me I fought my mother and proved I could live my life without a husband. I fought Joe and proved I could do my job, probably better than he could. I fought The Burg gossip by doing what I had to do and not giving into being a stereotype.

I heard him and what he said made sense, maybe I was stronger than I thought I was. He assured me I was strong, one of the toughest people he knew. Then he told me that maybe I needed a break from all the fighting. I just needed to relax for a bit and he'd do the fighting for me.

After that I dozed off on his lap and woke a few hours later to him watching a history channel documentary on England's lost castles. I teased him a little bit, but he just smiled and told me he'd like to take me there to see the castles. I got a little gooey thinking it sounded romantic, but then he got started talking about ancient war techniques. So I just kissed his cheek and got up to get my journal.

I crawled back onto the couch and for the first time wasn't embarrassed to write in front of him. He just let me do my thing, he just put my feet on his lap and rubbed them, the entire time I was writing this. I'm definitely a lucky girl to have him.


	18. Chapter 18

September 16…1030pm

I can tell you three things right now. First of all I just took the best hot shower ever known to woman kind, at least a solitary one. What can I say a shared shower with Ranger sets the bar pretty damn high, but he didn't join me this time, maybe someday. Right now I'm settling for warm water and his Bulgari shower gel. It still makes me all warm and gooey just from the scent, probably because I think of Ranger when I smell it.

Second, I'm curled up in our bed and I think I'm in heaven. Not only do I have the cloud like mattress covered in the softest sheets ever made, but on my bedside table he left me a cup of tea, a plate of fruit and a muffin, and little note that said, "Have to run down to the office for about an hour. I love you. Carlos." Talk about making me feel warm and gooey. I don't think I felt like this since, well, ever.

Third, I've realized how much I want to get better and have that forever with him. I love him and he deserves someone that isn't afraid to show him love and tell him the words every single day. I might not be fully there, but I have set some goals and one of them is to tell him daily that I love him.

I also decided to make some other goals. I am going to stick with the exercise program that Bobby helped me set up, weights, some cardio, and boxing-kicking lessons with Ranger. Even though I hate the running and I don't know if anything will change that, I'm going to stick with that for now. I don't want to leave the building just yet to try biking, though I may try to add the stationary bike into the routine to break up the running monotony. This morning I hardly complained at all when Ranger dragged me out of bed by the ankles to go downstairs, it'll probably get easier to wake so early, right?

I also decided to add a few other things to my routine. I was going to start yoga with Binkie tomorrow too. He goes to classes in Ewing so I have little chance of running into anyone from The Burg and Ranger told me that I'll like the instructor, he's known her a long time. Okay, so I admit that I am curious to find out more about this woman, like how does she know Ranger. I asked if he did yoga there and he gave me a look and said, "Babe." I interpreted that to mean he was too cool to go to a health club and do yoga with a group of women, but if some club could get him to do it I bet their membership would increase. I'd pay to stand behind him while he was stretching.

I am also going to go to dance lessons with Raphael Thursday night. I thought it would be fun and he assured me that I'd know no one in the class, plus his boyfriend was an instructor. I was kind of dying to meet him. Raphael was big and buff like the other Merry Men, but he had a really soft side too. I wondered what his partner would be like.

Another thing I decided to do was go back to work for RangeMan, part-time. I did monitor duty with Ranger today and that was kind of fun. The guys laughed at me when I told them that, but I figured if I was on monitors that would put them out in the field where they wanted to be, so I was going to do that a few days a week. I also agreed to help Tank out with some of the paperwork a couple days a week. It wasn't anything strenuous or demanding, but I felt like it was a big step and the right one. I wasn't ready to go back to my real job yet.

I also talked to Ella this morning while Ranger was in the shower. I asked her if she would let me help her with the cleaning in exchange for a few cooking lessons. I know the guys suggested a lot of classes and said learning something new would help me feel better about myself. When I thought about it there were two things that I really wanted to learn.

Cooking a few simple, healthy meals on my own was one. I knew there was a part of me that felt like a failure for never learning to cook, but there was also another part of me that had wanted to fail at cooking because it wouldn't feel like I was giving into Mother. When I took the possibility of pleasing or disappointing my mother out of the equation I realized I wanted to learn to cook. I think it's something I need to do, to prove to myself I can do it.

The second thing I wanted to learn was to speak Spanish, at least a little more of it than I could understand right now. It made me crazy when Ranger spoke to me so softly and lovingly and I didn't know what he said to me. I was thinking of signing up for night classes when the next semester started in January. Maybe I could even talk Lula into taking it with me.

When I showed my list of goals to Dr. Westin this morning he told me that he thought it looked like a good plan. I thought so too. Then he asked what Ranger thought about my decisions. Ranger had sat and listened to me talk through my decisions the night before. He didn't make them for me, he just added comments about why it would a good thing or what he thought the draw backs would be, but he'd allowed me to keep control. When I'd finished the list he kissed me and told me that he was proud of me, so that felt good.

Dr. Westin asked me if I had expected Ranger to make the decisions for me. I shrugged. I wasn't sure what I expected Ranger to do. We were a work in progress. We both have some control issues and I think we've been doing pretty well not fighting one another for the control in our relationship. He was used to giving orders and I was used to blowing them off. Normally if he would have told me I had to do something or not to do something there was a shot I would have went against him just to prove I could.

He asked why I felt like there had to be one controlling party in a relationship. I thought he was kidding. I always had to fight for the little bit of freedom I had from Joe. He and Dickie both tried to make my decisions for me.

Dr. Westin flipped his notebook paper and asked me if we could talk about Joe. Sure, why not. He asked how I'd let Joe back into my life after the incident with the Buick. Nicely put, huh? But he could have just said since I ran his ass over. I wasn't sure how I let Joe back into my life. I thought after the Buick incident Joe Morelli would have no effect on me at all, but I was wrong about that. So wrong. He could be so charming and he was so attractive and he knew just how to pull me in every time he tried.

Dr. Westin wanted to know how he charmed me. I wasn't sure, it was just how Joe was. After I cleared his name and captured him for my FTA money he started stopping around more often, running into me accidently, and flirting with me. I guess I fell in love with the attention he was giving me at first.

I didn't know what he was doing at the time, but I figured it out. He was trying to charm me into giving him the leads I had in his cases. I probably solved more of his cases than he'd ever admit to, but whatever, I wasn't looking for credit from anyone other than him. I just wanted him to acknowledge that I was good at my job, but he never did that.

After working together for a while he finally talked me back into his bed. It wasn't the worst place in the world to be. I guess when he wasn't taking a quickie on the floor of bakery he was a good enough lover. For a while I thought a life with Joe would redeem me for the mistakes I made with The Dick. Joe was a good cop, he was from a well-known Italian Burg family, and was considered to be a top catch and I was the one that had caught him somehow. My mother seemed to be happy that I found someone acceptable to settle down with, now all I needed was the ring. The thing was by the time Joe wanted to give me that ring I didn't want it anymore.

He asked me then what had changed my mind about wanting to marry Joe. It was that he wanted to change things about me. It started with my job. Joe didn't like my job, at all. He thought it was too dangerous. It embarrassed him when things went wrong with me. He always felt like he was trying to clean up after me, fix my messes, and keep me out of trouble. He tried to make me feel like I'd fail if he stopped helping me. He demanded that I quit quite a few times and when I refused he broke up with me.

Dr. Westin nodded to me and said, "But he always came back?" I nodded yes. I always felt like he was giving me another chance and would eventually accept me for what I was, but then we'd get into the same fight all over again.

He asked me what the usual fight was like. The fights were because he didn't understand why I wanted to do this job and I didn't understand why he hated it so much. I thought I was doing my job well, I was doing my best for sure, but he thought I was a fuck up, a disaster he called me, repeatedly. After that first break up and reconciliation he started to constantly berate me for getting into trouble, blowing up my cars, or getting dirty and smelly. If I brought someone in naked he'd be embarrassed. If I was full of garbage he'd be embarrassed. If someone firebombed my car he didn't make sure I was alright first, no he just started to yell because he was embarrassed. He was sick of having a girlfriend like me.

Dr. Westin asked how many times we'd broken up. I wasn't even sure. It was almost constant. Eventually he'd forgive me though. I wasn't sure why, but I always found myself going back, because he would call or stop over and he'd want me. Of course, most of that was physical. He really wanted a new and improved version of me. He wanted a stay home wife and mother, or at least one that had a 'safe' job.

I wanted to be what he needed. I wanted to be good enough. I wanted him to love me. I tried to do what he said. I even tried the safe job thing for him, it just turns out I'm a danger no matter where I work. I think after a while Joe settled for what I could give him. We stayed in the relationship, without the commitment.

Dr. Westin asked me to explain that. We were together in the sense that there was no one else in our beds and that's about it. I always figured at some point we'd decide that we would get married or something, but we were never close to that point. At least at the same time. I think we both had thoughts of the future, we just weren't on the same page with what that future should be either.

Dr. Westin asked me if Joe liked my friends and family. I nodded, he got along well with my family. He really seemed to be part of it. My mother loved him, that's for sure. I guess my dad didn't really have an opinion, at least he never shared it. Grandma Mazur, well, she thought Joe was hot, but she really had a thing for Ranger. Dr. Westin chuckled at that and asked about my friends. I shrugged. Joe liked Mary Lou for the most part, she was a good Burg housewife. He didn't like Lula, she was a former hooker and my partner. We got into too much trouble together. I don't think he liked Connie much either, he said she gossiped too much. He didn't like Sally, probably because he was a man. He couldn't stand when I was with other men. Like Ranger and his men.

He hated Ranger, even before we were involved he'd call him names like psycho and thug. He tried to convince me everything he did was on the wrong side of the law, like his cars were stolen, he killed people, he was friendly with crime families, ect. He tried to convince me that I'd get in trouble for Ranger's crimes if I hung around him. It didn't work though. I could see what Ranger was under the surface. He was a good and honorable man.

I guess a part of me always wondered if Joe wanted me to leave my job and stay home for my safety or if it was so he could keep me away from Ranger and my other friends. Without that job there was no reason for me to see them.

Dr. Westin asked if I ever started to believe Joe. Would I be better without the job, the danger, the friends he didn't like? Maybe, yes, a few times I had. I quit my job and almost asked Joe to marry me a few months ago. I was just tired of it all, of my life being picked apart by my mother, the constant pull toward Ranger, the grief Joe gave me about every decision I made, and feeling like I was alone even when I was with other people. I wanted it to all go away.

I sat there picking at the buttons on my sweater when Dr. Westin finally spoke again. He told me making rash decisions like quitting my job or jumping into a serious relationship wasn't an uncommon response to a traumatic event. I guess I was lucky I changed my mind when I did then. I stopped myself before I was able to tell Joe I wanted a future with him. That would have been a huge mistake.

He gave me a booklet to read called Fifteen Signs of a Controlling Relationship. I shoved it in my bag for later. Then he told me that I needed to be honest with myself. I needed to look at the relationships I had with Joe and Ranger and think about how each relationship hurt me or helped me. How did I feel when I was with them? How did they treat me? How did I want to feel? How did I want to be treated? Were they unhealthy relationships? Were they worth saving or should I let them go? He told me to write things down if it would help. I need to be honest about what is real right now and what I want to happen in the future. That way I could set the right goals and have something to work toward.

I left the appointment knowing one thing. I wanted to stay away from Joe until this weird hold he had on me was broken. As I sat with Ranger today I figured something else out. That he would always support me, even when I was wrong. He always had. There may have been a fine line between a controlling relationship and what Ranger did for me, but I felt like he was on the right side of that line. He didn't do it to benefit himself, his decisions were actually based on helping me, unlike most of Joe's.

I decided to come clean with Ranger and tell him everything that happened between Joe and me when we were kids. I needed him to understand that he had a way of sucking me and I didn't want to go back. I asked Ranger to help keep Joe away from me until I was strong enough to speak to him. That had to be the first step to figuring out who I really was and what I wanted. Right?

Ranger promised to help me with anything I wanted. I believed him and trusted him. I was hoping he'd have the same trust in me. He was still sticking to my side. He wasn't more than a room away all day. I'm not complaining, I love spending time with him, especially when we're alone. The way he holds me and talks to me makes me feel so good, so loved, but he needs space. I know him well enough to know that. I text Les and told him he needed to get Ranger out of the apartment for an hour. He needed to see that I'd be okay home alone. I was glad he agreed to go, hopefully it'd be easier for him tomorrow.

As for me, I'm excited to show him the sexy, little black nightie that found its way into my lingerie drawer with all the new bra and panty sets that mysteriously appeared along with the new workout clothes. I knew he was sneaking me more gifts, but I didn't complain. Sexy lingerie seemed like a good investment into what we would have someday, hopefully soon.

**_Author's notes...I hadn't planned an anti-Joe story here when I started and I don't think it'll turn out that way in the end, but clearly they don't work together and she needs to fight him to make him understand that, so there will be more to come on his behaviors that Cupcake fans will probably not like, so that was my warning. I know this one didn't have a lot of action, but her next chapter will have a lot more interpersonal interaction so that should be a lot more fun. I hope to have a Ranger chapter up in the next couple days. Thanks._**


	19. Chapter 19

September 16-2300

_Honestly the last day and a half had been better than I would have thought. A lot has happened since my last entry. The big thing was that Stephanie opened up to me. She allowed me into part of her session with Ben yesterday and actually talked to me about her feelings. _

_The anger that I had felt for Mrs. Plum the night of the dinner party, doubled and intensified as I listened to Stephanie tell me about her mother's harsh words and the names she called her. The idea of anyone calling Stephanie an embarrassment, much less the one person that should love her unconditionally, made my heart hurt for her and when she said that her mother had been calling her a whore since she was a little girl I was so fucking enraged I wanted to run out of that room and find that worthless bitch. Anyone that knew Stephanie knew she was anything but a whore. She was sweet and loving and tender in sharing her heart and her body, she didn't just sleep around. I knew that better than anyone, but that son of a bitch Morelli, he really aided in this assumption about her and he didn't seem to give a shit._

_I wanted to protect her from both of them. I could erase them both from the face of the Earth if I needed to, and if she ever wanted me to, I'd do it without a second thought, but until then I had to hold my temper in check and protect her from them. I wouldn't use violence until it was called for, there were a lot of other ways to make their lives hell and I looked forward to doing that. Starting with letting them both know that she was with me, for good, and they couldn't see, speak, or touch her again. She was safe here with me and the guys and they'd find that out tomorrow morning when I paid them a little visit._

_I wasn't about to fuck things up with her again. I was shocked when she told me that her mother was feeding her fears, and that she was scared that I'd toss her aside when I was tired of her or found someone else I'd rather be with. I hadn't realized I'd given her the impression that I would do something like that to her, but she told me that I had done just that when I'd sent her back to Morelli, and when I'd told her that we could only have a casual relationship, and I told her that I thought of her as entertainment. I realized she was right. I had treated her like shit. I was no better than Morelli. _

_I didn't know if I'd be able to talk myself out of the hole I'd dug myself into with my previous words and actions, but I tried my best. I tried to explain myself. I needed to prove to her that it wasn't her, it was my own issues that caused me to do those things. I was glad I let her into my head enough these last few days or she would have never believed me. I knew nothing I said could make up for the hurt I'd caused her, but I wanted her to know I'd never do it again. I wouldn't push her away or get tired of her. I told her that I wanted her in my life, permanently. I love her and I need to show her that every day for the rest of my life._

_I couldn't believe she forgave me, not only that, she told me that she loved me. I knew she did, I could feel it when we were together, but I never imagined that she'd actually ever admit to it and speak the words to me. I never imagined what it would feel like to hear them. I felt this weird warmth and happiness fill me. I had to stop myself from just pulling her out of her chair and making love to her right on the floor of the doctor's office. I don't think Ben would have approved of that though. _

_I was just so overcome by the feelings inside me that I felt tears in my eyes. I covered them quickly so they wouldn't see, but they were there. She somehow busted through another wall I'd built around myself and I wasn't disappointed with the result. I finally knew what it felt like to be loved._

_I wanted to celebrate our relationship so I took her to the café we had met at all those years ago, but I realized soon enough that I should have just taken her home. She was still hurting and trying to make sense of everything she'd discovered about her mother and herself and probably me. She needed some time and I needed to remember that._

_So I took her home and we spent the rest of the night together. It was quiet. We cuddled, watched TV, and talked. It was exactly how I wanted to spend all my nights with her. Just us, together._

_Today had been a good day too. I'd woken with Steph's naked body all wrapped around me, God, it was like some sort of torturous heaven. As much as I loved feeling her against me I was going a little bit crazy trying to keep my hands idle. I admit it, I haven't jerked off this much since middle school, but what was I supposed to do? She certainly wasn't ready for that next step in our relationship and I was done making mistakes with her. So even though I would have preferred to make love to her I dragged her out of bed with me. We were going to the gym._

_She did really well with the bags today. I worked on her punching a little bit and then started her on kicking. She had really long, strong legs and I loved to watch her swing them at the bag in those little shorts Ella bought her. After that we hit the weights together. I was impressed with how well she handled the workout Bobby had put together for her. I think I was even more impressed when she got on the treadmill next to mine and ran with me. _

_I asked her if she wanted to try something else, but she said she'd rather stay near me. I couldn't complain about that. I wanted to keep her by my side too. I knew I was still a little scared to take my eyes off of her, but I'd have to do it at some point. I just wasn't ready for that yet. _

_After we showered and shared breakfast I drove us over to our doctor appointments. Steph went first, then I had a short appointment, more just a check in. _

_Ben and I talked about my fears, especially my fear of losing Stephanie. The realization that she'd been thinking about suicide the other night had scared the shit out of me. Frankly, I didn't know I still had the ability to be so scared. Ben asked me why that scared me so much more than when she was in danger from killers or stalkers. That was easy, I couldn't fight this enemy with my guns and fists. I couldn't sweep her away to my apartment and keep her out of the hands of this. It was inside her and I felt helpless. Ben nodded to me, we didn't need to say the words. We both knew I hated feeling helpless. It was one of the reasons my life was so structured and I tried to always be in control._

_Logically I knew he was doing all he could do for her, but part of me wanted him to pull some magic pill out of his pocket and heal all her hurt and pain. Ridiculous, yes, I knew better than that, but I couldn't help it. I felt really helpless. I always protected and rescued her, but this time I couldn't do it. Ben told me that in Steph's eyes I was doing just that. I was taking care of her, keeping her safe from herself and others. She thought I was her hero. I hoped I could live up to that._

_The best advice he gave me was to trust her and myself. He said if I paid attention to her I'd notice any signs of stress before it overwhelmed her. He also said if she was inside the building where there were no stress triggers, there was no reason I should feel like I couldn't leave her alone. I could call her or stop in for visits throughout the day, but I didn't need to hover. Then he said I couldn't make her feel abandoned either, I needed to hit the perfect balance. I hope I know how to do that._

_After the appointment I offered to take her out, but she asked to have lunch in our apartment today. She said she wanted to talk to me about some of the things Ben and she had discussed. It worried me because she seemed so withdrawn again, but not exactly down. _

_When we got home we stopped in the break room and raided the sandwiches and fruits that Ella had left in the fridge. Stephanie seemed to have fun stuffing the sandwiches, water, yogurt, and apples into her purse. I laughed as I watched her. I wondered if she had some sort of shop lifting fantasy. _

_We settled onto the couch and unpacked her handbag. I handed her a turkey sandwich and kept the other for myself, then I asked her what she needed to talk about. She told me that she didn't need to, but she wanted to tell me what was going on. She said she wanted to be as open with me as she could. If we were really going to try to be in this relationship for the long haul we shouldn't have secrets. That startled me. I knew she was right, but it'd take me some time to be able to talk about all my secrets. I just hoped she still loved me when she knew the truth. _

_It turned out that she and Ben had talked more about her childhood today. She said it wasn't all bad. Her parents weren't bad people, they didn't beat her or punish her. Her grandparents were nearby and she went to them a lot when she needed to get away from her mother's yelling, but she said all in all she was well taken care of until she turned six. Then she told me that was the summer that Morelli had molested her. _

_I didn't know anything about that, but she told me all the disgusting details, how and where he did it. What it felt like. How it made her feel. Then she told me how her mother treated her afterward. I felt sick. No wonder she felt like she was damaged and not good enough all the time. She was violated and hurt by another child, a sick and disgusting child, and when she needed help her mother didn't give it. She was blamed and threatened to never tell. _

_She continued on, telling me about her other early encounters with Morelli, especially the night he fucked her when she was sixteen. I think she was finally able to admit that he'd taken advantage of her that night. She was vulnerable and he used her. It was predatory behavior. He was an adult and she was a child at the time. I knew if someone did that to my daughter I'd cut off his dick and feed it to him before I killed him. _

_She said that Morelli needed to be a permanent part of her past. She couldn't allow him to control her thoughts and feelings anymore. She wanted me to help her keep Morelli away until she was strong enough to confront him. I agreed, I do anything to help her, but more than that, if I had a reason to keep that fucking bastard away from her I'd gladly use it. As far as I was concerned if he ever darkened our doorstep he was a dead man. _

_After lunch we took a four hour shift on the monitors. It was my patrol day, but I wanted to stay inside the building. Manny and Jake were all too happy to take a patrol shift instead of sitting at the monitors, so I guess it was a win-win. _

_Steph must have been bored out of her mind in the apartment, because she seemed thrilled to have something to do. Even if it was just watching cameras and trackers. So I asked her to come back to work for me. I always needed help with paperwork, plus Tank or I would be able to keep an eye on her. Besides, I still wasn't excited about leaving her alone in the apartment all day. I knew it would give her mind too much time to wander. _

_She agreed to help out as long as I didn't pay her. She thought I was doing enough not charging her rent and feeding her. I was ready to roll my eyes at her over that one. I don't think she liked to admit that I could afford to take care of her. She knew I had money, but she'd never take it without earning it. Now she didn't even want to take it when she did earn it. I wasn't sure she'd ever get over that, but I struck a deal with her. She'd work and I'd keep her wage in an account which would pay her rent and any of the things she needed or wanted. She agreed to it which made me laugh to myself, I knew she would. If the money had gone straight into her own bank account she'd be spending it on the same things, but somehow she rationalized that if I spent "her money" instead of my money on the things she needed it was better. Either way I was paying her and that was that._

_After work we had our normal dinner together and settled in to watch a couple of movies. Santos picked The Forty Year Old Virgin and Grown Ups, he's on movie detail from now on, especially after the shit Brown pulled last time. Anyway, we seemed to fall back into our routine without much awkwardness. I'm glad that being honest about our feelings hadn't changed the intimacy we'd built. _

_After the movies I decided that I should try to break away from her a little. Santos text me and called me down to the office, so that was a good excuse. I realized that I had been clinging to her all day, so as much as I didn't want to leave, I told her I had to go down to my office to check on something. She seemed fine with that, she just smiled and said she thought she'd take the time to enjoy my shower. _

_I don't think she realized I hadn't left the apartment right away. I decided to surprise her with some treats, so I got her some fruit, a muffin, and a cup of tea. I left the treats on her bedside table with a note, but before I could get out of the room I heard her soft moans and couldn't help smiling. She really was enjoying my shower, or more likely the shower gel. I was instantly hard and wanted nothing more than to join her, but we weren't there yet. _

_Still, I couldn't get her out of my mind. All wet and soapy, the way she looked the last time we'd made love in my shower. God, I was throbbing I was so hard. Now, it's not like I have a porn collection on my computer or anything, but I'm a guy, I know how to get myself off. I locked my office door and loaded up the spank bank folder on my computer. It was full of security tape I'd lifted of Stephanie, mostly in those skimpy little distraction outfits. There was a particular one where her eyes were that deep blue they turn when she's really aroused. She was pressed against me while I was taping her wire in place. That one always got me and worked like a charm. _

_After that I called Santos, but he said the problem was resolved. So I sat there staring at the paperwork, but didn't manage to get any of it done so I figured I'd work on this journal. I just keep thinking about Stephanie upstairs in our bed though. I'd been gone long enough. I need to feel her against me again so I'm out of here. _


	20. Chapter 20

****Author's notes…So I am warning you now, this chapter is pretty much smut all the way through. So if that offends skipping this chapter won't hurt the story too much, but it wouldn't be as much fun. Thanks again wonderful readers and reviewers for the support. I'm trying to keep up with responding to everyone, but if I missed you know that you're appreciated and blame my kids for demanding my time.****

September 17…930 am

Last night, after my journal entry, I'd gotten out of bed to take my dirty dishes to the kitchen. That happened to be the moment Ranger chose to return from downstairs. I was wearing that black, chiffon chemise that I'd found in my drawer. As soon as Ranger's eyes fell on me I felt heat stir in my stomach. I don't know if I'd ever felt more like a woman than I had at that moment. Seeing the desire and love in his eyes made me feel whole.

He crossed the room and had his arms around me and his lips on mine before I could say hello. When he finally broke away from me, it was with a smile. I teased a little by saying, "So do you like the nightgown?"

He told me that Ella had gone shopping for the things he didn't think he should take the liberty of picking out on his own. That made me smile. The idea of Ranger in a Victoria's Secret store just picking through panties made me giggle. Of course, the things Ella purchased didn't come from Victoria's Secret, she'd left all the Nordstrom's tags attached, probably in case I didn't like them. There was little chance of that happening though. Ella had amazing taste, plus, she seemed to have an eye for what Ranger would like too. I wondered if she'd go shopping with me someday.

We decided to get ready for bed since I had a big day tomorrow, with the new yoga classes, work, and whatnot. Ranger had gotten ready first, coming out in his boxers with a fresh shave. He was mouthwatering to say the least. In fact, I didn't think about anything else while I got myself ready.

When I came out of the bathroom, with my freshly brushed teeth, Ranger was just sitting on the side of the bed looking at the door. I asked him if he was waiting for me. He nodded yes and held his hand out for me. I smiled as I walked toward him and took the offered hand. His other hand wrapped around my waist and pulled me in so I was standing between his legs. He laid his head against my stomach and told me that I too beautiful to want a man like him. I laughed, I felt the exact same way about him.

I moved both my hands into his silky hair, combing through it until he relaxed against me. His hands both moved down over my thighs until he caught the edge of the material. Then back up underneath the nightgown until he was cradling my cheeks in his hands. He looked up into my eyes. I could see the question there, he wasn't sure how far he could go. Neither was I. I knew I didn't want the clothes between us though. I grabbed the nightgown and pulled it over my head, leaving myself in only the matching black thongs.

His eyes moved up and down my body, making me feel totally exposed. Normally I would have been embarrassed, but not now, not with him. I stepped closer to him and moved my legs over his, so I was straddling his thighs. "Will you kiss me?" I asked him then.

That was all he needed to hear. He just said, "Yes." Then his arms were around me, crushing our bare chests together, as his lips fed on mine. I'm sure he was just as aware as I was that the only thing keeping our bodies from joining were my skimpy thongs and his silk boxers. As much as I wanted to take him inside me I knew it was still too soon. I wasn't sure what held me back, but he must have felt it too, because he just kissed me, over and over until we were tucked into the center of the bed wrapped around each other. The funny thing was the desire I felt for him was secondary to how much love I felt just lying next to him. It didn't take long for his warmth to lull me to sleep.

I woke early this morning with the warmth of Ranger pressed against my back. It seemed we always found ourselves spooned together sometime during sleep with his hips snuggled against mine and his hand cupping my breast. As he leaned in and kissed my neck I began to smile. "Morning Babe." His voice was deep and husky from sleep. Just the sound of it sent tingles straight to my doodah.

"Mm, morning," I purred back at him. Maybe I was suffering from sensory overload or something. We had all that bare skin touching, there was the scent of his shower gel combined with that male scent of him, and then the sound of his voice. It was too much. I snuggled my ass back into his erection, grinding myself into him, just trying to find some sort of release from the sexual frustration I'd been having for the last week.

His hand tightened around my breast, his thumb rubbing over my nipple. Then he moved his face into my hair, smelling me and kissing my neck. He seemed as lost as I did. I turned my head so I could meet his lips with my own. We kissed hungrily as we rubbed our bodies together. Then he pulled away, rolling onto his back, panting. "I'm sorry, Babe."

I couldn't believe he'd quit on me. I'd been trying to get things to work by myself, nearly every day in the shower, but I still hadn't been able to get off. I had felt closer minutes ago than I had in a long time, and he quit. I was still near breathless when I spoke, "Shit, Ranger, no, I'm so close. I haven't been able to…" I trailed off. I couldn't say it.

"Haven't been able to what?"

"Oh, God." I was so embarrassed I didn't think I'd be able to continue to live much less tell him the truth, but he leaned down over me and stroked my cheek gently, his eyes searching mine. "I haven't been able to, you know, finish things, down there."

His lips tipped up just a fraction. "You haven't been able to orgasm?" I knew my face must have been beet red by that point, but I nodded yes as I squeezed my eyes shut in shame. I couldn't let him know how inadequate I'd felt recently.

He just said, "Babe." I peeked out one eye, just to see how amused he was by my admission. It wasn't amusement on his face though. I recognized the look in his eyes. He was taking this as a challenge. He usually got that look before he went in to kick someone's ass for me.

This time though there was nothing violent about his behavior. His lips settled on my neck again, moving down until he was in that sweet spot where my neck and shoulder met. He sucked the skin lightly as his hand moved back across my hardened nipple, pinching lightly. I moaned a little and arched into his touch. Then he kissed down my body, stopping to lightly lick and nibble at my breasts, but his hands continued to move down to my hips. His hands slid down my legs, taking my panties with them. As he moved his hands back up the same path, he pushed my legs apart.

"Steph, open your eyes," he commanded. I looked up at him. He took my hand in his, kissing each of my fingers before he moved my hand between my legs. "Make yourself come for me." I told him I couldn't do it, but his hand tightened around mine, keeping me from pulling away. He moved his finger over my clit, pressing lightly. I felt the pleasure shoot straight through me. Then he forced me to move my finger over the same path he'd just taken, repeatedly, bringing me back to where I was earlier. He leaned over me and kissed my lips lightly as he pulled his hand away. Then he whispered, "Keep going, please. I've never seen anything as beautiful as you are when you reach orgasm. Let me watch you."

Maybe I lost my mind temporarily, I don't know, what I do know is that my fingers seemed to have a mind of their own. As embarrassed as I am now when I think about what I did, I didn't have any shame in that moment. He laid down next to me, keeping his eyes on me while he lightly touched my arms, stomach, and thighs. As his fingers slipped up my thigh I spread my legs further, I knew I was close, just on the brink, but I wasn't sure if I could bring myself over.

I think he could sense my frustration, because he moved down the bed, settling himself between my legs. His mouth moved over my stomach and hips kissing me until I thought I'd lose my mind. I begged him to help me, but he just shook his head no and sat back to watch me. "Faster, Babe," he told me. His words did something to me, I moaned loudly in return. He grabbed my legs and forced them further apart, fully exposing me to his feasting eyes. He just continued on, rubbing his hands up and down my legs while talking to me in that deep, sexy voice, "Fuck, Babe, you're so sexy. I've fantasized about this for so long. I want to see your fingers dripping with the juices from your hungry, little pussy."

God, it was so dirty and hot and sexy. I loved that he was watching me. That it was turning him on to see me do this made me bolder. I pushed the middle fingers of my left hand inside myself as I continued to rub my clit with the right. It was like the sensation of being filled was all I needed. "God, Steph, yes, come for me baby," he groaned at me. My body began to shutter and explode into orgasm, then I cried out in release. He instantly moved over me, kissing me until the shuttering stopped.

I felt the embarrassment set in as the sexual feelings subsided. He took my hand, withdrawing it from between my legs, and brought it to his lips. He licked my fingers before sucking them into his mouth. "Babe," he whispered to me. "Don't shut down or close yourself off from me."

I didn't know how to respond to him other than pulling him down for another kiss. "I can't believe I did that in front of you. I can't believe it worked," I sighed happily.

He laughed then making me blush again. "I'm glad you've gotten that part of yourself back." All I could say to that was thank you. He rolled away from me, flopping onto his back. My eyes settled on his huge, hard cock. He shook his head at me when he noticed what I was staring at and said, "I told you how sexy that was. God, the things you do to me."

I don't know what got into me, but I reached over and yanked his boxers down. I watched as he sprang free, then traced a finger up and down his length. I watched his eyes roll back and a small smile tip his lips up a little. I knew he wanted this, so I leaned in and kissed his neck before whispering into his ear, "I want to watch you too."

He made a growling noise I recognized as Ranger losing control. He didn't seem to have any of the shyness I had. He pulled me against his side. He cupped my ass in his right hand so he could hold me against him. Then his mouth settled back onto my breast, sucking the nipple into his mouth, hard. I moaned a little, which I think got him going a little more. Then he grasped himself in his left hand, oh the benefits of being ambidextrous. I couldn't tear my eyes away. I was fascinated with the way his body reacted to his own touch.

He was right, there was a wild, sexiness about watching him like this. I always found his body to be a work of art, but in the midst of pleasure his muscles tightened and glistened with sweat. I know this sounds silly, I mean it's a penis, but Ranger's penis when hard and ready like that was one of the most beautiful things I'd ever seen. I had to hold myself back from moving to wrap my lips around it.

He suddenly flipped me onto my back and moved his hand between my legs. When he moved to kneel over me I saw my fluids on his fingers. He rubbed the wetness over himself before he wrapped his fingers back around his length. I sat up, running my hands up his legs to his hips, like had done for me. From this position the tip of his cock pressed between my breasts. His eyes seemed focused on my chest so I used my arms to push my breasts closer together. He let out a low growl of approval as he moved himself between them. I looked up at him as he threw his head back. Then he moaned loudly as he started to orgasm. He erupted against my chest, covering me in his cream.

As soon as he was finished he sunk to the bed and pulled me onto of him. "Christ, Steph, I'm sorry about that. It's been so long since we've been together. I think I lose my mind around you."

My chest was pressed tightly to his, covering us both in his mess. I started laughing as I looked down at it. "No, don't apologize, Ranger. That was one of the hottest things I've ever seen." He brushed my hair off my face and tucked it behind my ear as he kissed my nose, then my lips. He thanked me for sharing that with him. The funny thing was, he was the one that needed to be thanked. He helped heal another part of me.

He carried me to the shower, which we shared, but not in a dirty way. As I stood there watching the soap rinse off his gorgeous body I knew I had to say it again, "Ranger, I love you." He just smiled at me and pecked my lips. Then he said, "I love you too, Steph."

So I guess that's the story of how I realized I wasn't completely, sexually broken anymore. Maybe I was slowly starting to get past this entire depression thing? I knew one thing, I felt happy. I hadn't felt happy in so long I wanted to shout it from the rooftop.

I just hope the rest of the day goes as well. I'm meeting Binkie in fifteen minutes so I better finish this up and head down to five.


	21. Chapter 21

_September 17_…_1630_

_I'm sitting in my office trying to force myself to work, but obviously that isn't working, again. I wanted to go upstairs to be with Stephanie, but I knew she was probably ready for a little time alone. She'd been going since early this morning and between yoga and lunch with Binkie, her appointment with Ben, and working the monitors with Hal, she hadn't had a moment to herself all day. I wanted to respect her need for space, but I also wanted to go up there and hold her close to me. I hate to say it, since it was only six hours, but I missed her while we were apart. _

_It ended up being a lot harder to watch her drive away with Binkie today than I thought it would be, but I knew I couldn't keep her in a bubble if I wanted her to get better. I had to trust other people to protect her. I knew I couldn't be with her all the time and I just had to learn to accept that. _

_It wasn't like I didn't trust Binkie, he's a good guy, a great soldier, and practically family. I knew he'd do anything to protect her, especially since I sat down with him and gave him orders on how to deal with Morelli and the Plums, should they become a problem while they were out. It didn't take Binkie long to put two and two together, he knew they'd been the cause of her last break down and would do what needed to be done to keep that from happening again._

_I figured that I'd get some errands done while she was out of the building so as soon as she was gone I got into my car and drove into The Burg. I was lucky enough to catch both Stephanie's parents and her grandmother at home. Mrs. Mazur took the liberty of inviting me into their dining room. I refused refreshment and stood silently while I waited for them to gather in front of me. Mrs. Plum gave me one of her Burg death glares, but she had nothing on Stephanie. I'd been immune to those glares for years now thanks to Steph. _

_Frank shook my hand and asked me how Stephanie was doing. I greeted him and told him that she was doing well. He nodded as though he was waiting for me to go on. I nodded back and told them that we needed to come to an understanding. He agreed, but her mother started to piss and moan about why Stephanie wasn't there. I raised my voice so she could hear me over her own whining and told her that Stephanie wasn't there, because she didn't want to see them or speak to them until she was sure she could be treated with dignity and respect. _

_Mrs. Plum glared at me again, but I glared back better. I stared her down and said, "I just wanted to stop here and tell you that she's going to continue to live with me and you're not welcome on my property without my consent. I am also asking that if you see her when she's out, not say more than hello or to just turn and walk away until she is ready to deal with what you've done to her." She started to protest, but I held my hand up and continued, "I'm not going to allow you to belittle and hurt the woman I love anymore. If you speak to her that way again I will obtain a restraining order against you."_

_She finally looked away and muttered something about Stephanie acting uppity now that she was shacked up with a rich criminal. I took a deep breath and focused back on Frank. I couldn't look at her mother. I still wanted to kill the bitch. I moved closer to him, close enough to be intimidating and said, "I will say this once because you are her family and I assume somewhere deep down you care about her and want to see her happy, but I assure you it isn't because I'm trying to defend myself or the life I've made for us. I'm the owner and CEO of RangeMan, a private security company. In no way is anything I do or my company does illegal. We can live comfortably on the profits, but the size of my bank account has nothing to do with the way Stephanie and I feel about one another. Your wife suggesting it does shows me how little she knows your daughter." Frank looked at his wife then nodded back to me again so I continued, "I love her and I want to spend the rest of my life with her. If she'll marry me, I'll do it whenever she's ready." The words surprised me, but I found them to be true._

_Frank shook my hand and told me to take good care of her. I gave him my card and told him to contact me if he needed anything. I had a feeling he knew there was more going on with Steph than I'd let on, but he didn't ask and I wasn't about to tell. I nodded to Mrs. Mazur and handed her my card too as I was on my way to the door. Then her mother actually had the audacity of step in front of me and bitch in my face, "Stephanie is engaged to Joseph Morelli. I don't know what game you're playing with her, but you're going to ruin her life if you keep her away from Joseph and me."_

_I glared down at the bitch and gave her my best cold look before I told her, "Nothing, and no one is going to separate Steph and I and that includes you, Mrs. Plum."_

_"This is kidnapping. You can't keep her locked up in your building. I'll call the police," she yelled at my retreating back. I didn't bother to respond to her. She wasn't going to get the pleasure of thinking she could push my buttons with her idol threats like she did Steph's. _

_I figured she wouldn't bother calling the police department anyway, she'd call Joe Morelli directly. Since he hadn't bothered Stephanie since she'd moved in with me I figured I'd leave it alone until he made a move. It was only a matter of time before he came to track her down. He couldn't stay away from her or let her go for long. When he did the guys and I would be ready for him. I wasn't being overdramatic when I'd told Mrs. Plum no one was going to keep me away from Steph again, that went doubly for Morelli. I wasn't about to step aside for him again and he'd find that out, probably soon._

_After my visit with the Plums I drove over to Ben's office. It was probably a good thing I had an appointment with him today. I needed to talk about some personal things and I wasn't sure Tank was the one to hash things out with this time. As much as Tank has been there for me over the years I knew he couldn't be here for me on this one. He loved Stephanie too. She was as much his little sister as I was his little brother. I knew he wanted us to be happy and hopefully together, but he was constantly watching me and giving me suggestions. I really didn't want to know what he'd think about what happened with Steph and me this morning. _

_When I talked about it, not in detail, with Ben he felt I handled it well. He said that I was absolutely right about her needing to be in control of her illness, her body, and her decisions during the healing process. He felt like she had a lot of people over the years trying to dictate how she lived and when she didn't live up to what they wanted she felt like a failure. He told me that I needed to keep aiding in her decisions, but allowing her to make them. If I failed at doing that our relationship would never grow. _

_I knew he was right. I knew she had to learn to live for herself and I was trying not to put any pressure on her. I didn't want to be that guy, but it was more who I was then I wanted to admit. I was a military officer and ran a business and crew of men that needed to be ordered and held to a very high standard. It was hard to down shift with Steph. _

_I needed a light hand and gentle voice with her. I learned years ago to ask her to do something, not order her, but this was different. I had to control the part of me that wanted to tell her that she couldn't leave the apartment without a guard. Or not to go anywhere near her fucking crazy mother again. Or that if she went back to Morelli she'd only be hurt again. I knew those were things she had to learn on her own and in her own time and I was okay with that. It was just the biting my tongue that was hard._

_I was relieved when Ben reassured me that I'd handled things the right way. I had been afraid I'd fucked up again, big. I guess I was paranoid about moving too quickly since this relationship stuff was so new to me. Plus, I usually managed to not think with my dick, but when it came to Steph I lost all control of myself in that regard. _

_Like last night, I had rubbed one out before bed and if I was a normal man that probably would have been enough to stave off my hunger, but I'm not normal. I'm sick. I got upstairs and Steph was standing in the kitchen wearing this flimsy little black nighty that didn't hide her figure or her hardened nipples. I wanted nothing more than to charge over there and tear it from her body, toss her onto the nearest piece of furniture, and fuck the hell out of her. _

_I managed to take a deep breath and get control of myself, but it was holding by a thread. I wasn't sure what I was thinking, no, I suppose I do. I was thinking I wanted to see her body, really see it, feast upon it with my eyes, since I couldn't touch it, and when her nightgown hit the floor that's exactly what I did. _

_I took in everything about her. She was so beautiful, she always has been. I caressed every part of her in my mind, starting with her perfect, straight toes and working myself up her long legs to her gorgeous round hips and narrow waist to her perky, pink tipped breasts and her narrow neck. I wanted to feel all that long, curly hair caress my own bare skin as she moved her mouth over my body. I wanted her so badly, needed her so desperately, I don't think I ever felt anything like that before. Even when we were together before, and believe me I had been desperate for her then too, it hadn't felt like this._

_This was different, because it wasn't so much about the physical needs my body couldn't turn off as it was something more emotional, deeper. Something in my mind kept telling me to be together now would complete us as a couple. I knew once Stephanie and I made that last physical step together there would never be anyone else for either of us. As I held her against me, kissing her sweet lips, I knew that was what I wanted. She was all I would ever want. She had been for a long time, but now there were no lingering doubts._

_That said I also knew if I wanted it to work I couldn't mess up the progress we had made in the last few days. We were finally together and I would wait as long as she needed me to. I just needed to work on controlling myself. I wouldn't have thought it would be that difficult. The army had beaten most of the impulsivity out of me. I was known for my control now, it was practically legendary here in Trenton. Like I said though, Stephanie was the one person that I lost that control with. I suppose that had always been true._

_Right from the start she had been my kryptonite, the chink in my armor, my Achilles heel and I'd treated her as such, but I couldn't do that anymore. I couldn't push her away because I was scared of my reaction to her. I need to learn to control myself and all the crazy impulses she brings out in me. I couldn't let myself think of her as a weakness, because in this last week I realized she was anything but a weakness. She made me a stronger, better man. She made me want to work harder to be the man she needed. I wanted to take care of her and let her take care of me. And most of all, I wanted to heal and be whole again so she could have all of me. So I made the decision to control myself and my actions even if my dick hated me for it._

_Which leads me to why I was questioning my behavior this morning. I woke with her nearly naked body against mine and my body was humming. I couldn't keep my lips off her. It seemed like no matter how much I kissed her I always wanted more. I could tell she was into it as much as I was. I could have pushed things and she would have allowed me to, but I didn't. _

_I didn't expect her to beg me to help her orgasm though. I had no idea that she hadn't been able to get off. I couldn't imagine what it would be like to be next to her, to be so turned on daily, and have no release. I wanted to help her. I wanted to make love to her just to prove that I was stronger than her illness. I wanted to show her that we could overcome that together, but I managed to put the brakes on. I knew when we finally made love it needed to not be about the disease, but about our love. That seemed like a big step for me. I had never turned down an opportunity to have sex with Steph if she asked for it. _

_I still don't know how I managed to turn her down, but I knew I had to help her do it for herself. I was going to get this done for her and prove we were stronger than her illness. So I moved in, kissing and touching her body to bring her to the brink again. When we reached a certain point I suddenly knew I had to stop. I felt like she needed to be able to pleasure herself first. She needed to have control of her body and to feel like she was beating this on her own. I couldn't be the one that took that control away from her. _

_I moved her hand between her legs and asked her to let me watch. It was one of the most erotic things I'd ever seen. I knew she'd never do that in front of anyone else and it proved to me how much she trusted me. I spoke to her, encouraging her, while touching the sensitive skin on her legs and torso. I knew she needed the encouragement and one thing my Babe always needed was reassurance that I had her back. I think just knowing I was there with her helped her overcome whatever had been standing in her way. _

_I was getting so turned on by watching her pump her fingers inside herself that I was starting to lose my famous control, again. I was glad she came when she did or I may not have been able to hold myself back any longer. But she did come, and it was fucking glorious. God, I had never witnessed anything more beautiful or sexy in my life. Even now, I could replay that scene in my mind with more detail than would have been captured on film. _

_The connection that we were sharing didn't break when she reached completion either. She saw how hard I was and as soon as her eyes moved up my body I knew she wanted to return the favor. When she told me she wanted to see me do the same I lost that last bit of control I had. _

_Looking down at her naked body while she touched and kissed me, while she watched me stroke myself, was unbelievable. I didn't think she could turn me on any more, but then she pushed her breasts together and let me fuck them. I don't know what it was about that soft, warm skin that got me, but it felt like nothing I'd ever felt before. Even now I want to do it again, just to see if it felt as good a second time around. And God, when I finally came I felt such a deep satisfaction, it wasn't anything like when I usually jerk off. It was like sharing that with her, allowing her into another part of something I kept private, opened me up to her even more. I felt like we really were together on a whole new level. _

_The way we'd shared our emotions though the physical contact was a new experience for me. I'd never been with another person like that before. I wanted to do it again, over and over until she knew every part of me, inside and out. I told her how much I loved her, but I couldn't begin to describe to her how deeply my feelings went. I hoped she could feel it when I looked at her and touched her, because I could feel her love when she looked at me. _

_I was going to head up to get ready for dinner in a half hour and part of me wondered what it would be like to be alone with her again. In the past when we had been together it ended when we were done fucking. We'd put our clothes on and walk away without discussion. We ignored it and pretended like it hadn't happened so we could continue the weird working, friendship we'd built, but I didn't want to do that anymore. _

_I want to build on it, explore our feelings about it, and repeat the performance as often as she'll let me. I just don't know if she feels the same way and I'm not sure how to bring that up. I really hope she wants more than what we had in the past. If not I'm afraid it'll break my heart. For the first time in a long time I feel vulnerable and it's scaring me. I don't want to be pushed away again._

****Thank you for the reviews on the last few chapters and the support you've been giving me. I think the next chapter is going to be Ranger's POV again, he's in my head. I'm trying to get these chapters out as soon as I can, but I haven't had a lot of quiet time to sit down and focus lately. Keep hanging in there and letting me know what you think and I'll keep plugging away on getting them to a happy ending.****


	22. Chapter 22

_September 18…930_

_Stephanie Michelle Plum officially blew my mind last night. I'd gone upstairs ready for an awkward dinner in the apartment, but she seemed to have other plans. _

_It was quarter after six by the time I walked into the apartment. I was running a little later than I had intended. I got a call from a client who wanted to move up their new system install by two weeks. It took a few calls down to Hector and Manny to see if we were waiting on any of the equipment and to Tank to look into the schedule, but I finally got everything squared away so I could head upstairs. _

_I had a fair amount of anxiety starting to build on my way up. I was worried about how Steph would treat me. I hoped it wouldn't be any differently than it had been before our encounter, but you never knew with Steph. She didn't like to think about the consequences of our sexual or emotional encounters. She usually ran or shut down afterward. I didn't think this time would be any different, but when I got upstairs what I found was anything but her usual behavior. _

_She was waiting for me in the kitchen. Her smile lit up her face as she looked at me. She was so pretty standing there like that. She'd washed off all her make-up, had her hair pulled back into a ponytail, and was wearing a pair of navy blue sweat pants with a long sleeve white tee shirt and what looked to be thick, wool socks. I didn't think there was another woman alive that could pull off such a simple look, much less make it look ravishing. She was perfection. _

_She giggled at me like she knew what I was thinking. So I raised an eyebrow at her. It was odd apparel for inside on a sixty-five degree day and she had me curious with the look she gave me back. She just smiled and told me that she had a surprise for me, but I couldn't know what it was until I changed. Then she took my hand and dragged me to the bedroom, where she had an almost identical set of clothes laid out for me, except mine were black. I wanted to know what she had planned. I don't like surprises. _

_She just shook her head no and wrapped her arms around my neck. She pulled me down for a kiss as her fingers moved around and pulled open my tie. Once it was yanked from my collar she started on the buttons of my shirt, kissing my neck while she worked. She pulled out my cuff links and pushed my shirt off my shoulders, then moved straight in, slipping her hands under my tee shirt so her fingers could move over my stomach and chest. I grabbed the undershirt and yanked it over my head. I didn't want anything between her lips and my skin. _

_She smiled up at me and continued her sweet torture. Her lips moved down my neck to my chest, licking and nipping at my nipple while her hands worked my belt and the button of my pants. She pushed my pants and underwear down over my hips and stepped back to look at me. Her eyes moved up and down my body until she was staring at my dick. It was hard and ready to go, again. I couldn't help it. Her undressing me was really fucking hot. I could definitely get used to that treatment every day. _

_After a minute I asked her what she planned to do with me now that she had me naked. She laughed and told me that she had planned to dress me, but she was having problems bringing herself to cover me back up. That made me laugh. She was too cute. _

_I knew undressing her and dropping us into the bed wasn't in her plans, so I pulled on my sweat pants and tee shirt, even though she looked kind of sad when the shirt covered my stomach. I was going to store that little bit of information away for later. Like I always tell her, she shouldn't give information to the enemy. I had no reservations about using my abs to seduce her sometime in the future. _

_She disappeared into the closet while I pulled on my socks. She came back out with running shoes for both of us, plus a couple of my hooded sweatshirts. I had a feeling we weren't staying in for dinner after all, so I asked if we were going out._

_"Sort of," she told me with a little grin. "If you want," she added nervously before she started again, "Would you be interested in joining me for dinner tonight?"_

_I smiled back at her then and asked if she was asking me on a date. She nodded her head as her cheeks turned pink. I wondered if she'd ever get over being shy around me, not that I was complaining, the blushing was really cute too. So I told her that I'd love to go to dinner with her. She smiled again and came up on her tip toes to kiss me softly before holding out her hand for me. I took it and the sweatshirts from her other arm and let her lead the way. _

_Instead of heading for the elevator, like Steph always did, she headed for the stairwell and started to climb up. I wondered if she stole my idea to go up to the roof to see the stars, though it was a little early to see any stars. We still had a little sunlight left for the day._

_When we reached the door she asked me if I wanted to unlock it or if she should call down to Tank to disable the alarm again. I just shook my head and entered my code on the alarm panel and fobbed it open._

_When I stepped out behind her I saw it all. She'd set up an entire campsite on the roof. There was a green tent set up and staked to large lead weights to hold it in place and a picnic table with a checkered table cloth clamped down at the edges and place settings for two. There was also a little table in the center of two reclining chairs near the tent. I wasn't sure what was resting on the table, but it looked like a small hibachi or something. _

_She told me to have a seat and started to unload dinner from the two giant coolers that were along the wall. Turns out one was holding the warm food and the other the chilled food. By the time she was done we had a feast laid out in front of us. Grilled chicken breasts, a broccoli salad, grilled sweet corn still in the husks, cornbread, and half a watermelon. It looked like I'd gone to southern food heaven. _

_I don't normally overeat, but by the time we packed away the food and dishes I was stuffed. I don't know how she knew those were some of my favorite indulgences, but they were all there, just tempting me as much as she did. On top of that, I could have sworn the cornbread tasted just like my abuela's. I may have had three slices. _

_It didn't go unnoticed either. She pushed me down into one of the lounge chairs and climbed onto my lap before she said, "I've never seen you eat that much food at once." I just shrugged at her and told her if she kept feeding me like that I'd be one of those old, married guys with a spare tire hanging over my belt. She found that really funny, she actually snorted something about having to lift up my gut to get into my utility belt. I'm in love with a real comedian there. _

_Okay, so I wasn't even close to having to worry about a few extra calories on occasion, but I made a mental note to add an extra mile to my run today anyway. While the old, married part was scaring me less and less, the idea of being out of shape scared the hell out of me. That's the kind of shit that could get me killed on a job and I had too much to live for now._

_She snuggled her face into my neck and whispered to me that she had a confession. That got my attention. She just kissed my lips and told me not to worry, it wasn't that bad. In my experience though, when someone says that, it's usually followed by something horrible. Then she just blurted out that she met my mother. _

_That made me stop. I wasn't sure what to think about that. So I finally just asked, "How?"_

_She told me all about going to the yoga class and how this girl kept glaring at her when they first arrived. Then she found out that the girl was Binkie's girlfriend and she thought Steph was moving in on him. So she quickly told the girl that she was Binkie's boss' girlfriend and he was just helping her with a new work out._

_I groaned then. I knew where this was going, but Steph continued. She said Crista got all weird and started asking her about me and how long we were together and seemed to get pissed off when Steph mentioned that we were living together. I laughed when Steph said that she was getting pissed off too. It seemed that Crista failed to mention that she was my sister and Steph thought she was an ex-lover or something. _

_Long story short, after class she went to lunch with Binkie and Crista, who must have called Mama, because she showed up and introduced herself. I hadn't expected my family to pounce on the information that quickly. I figured they'd find out eventually and I'd be able to prepare Steph for the force of nature my mother could be. I finally asked if she was alright. I knew the woman could interrogate better than most people trained to do so. _

_Steph just kissed me again and told me that she was fine. Apparently my mother and sister had been quite charming and sweet to her. Not that they were horrible, mean women, but sweet wouldn't have been a word I'd use to describe either of them. It made me wonder what they were after for a minute before I put it together. I wanted to smack myself upside the head for being an idiot. They were clearly after me._

_I'd kept them all at arm's length since I'd gotten home from the army. At first it really bothered Mama, but after a while she let it go. She'd still invite me to all the family get-togethers and sent birthday and Christmas gifts, but she stopped expecting me to show up. It wasn't that I didn't see her and Dad or even my sisters. I called to check in and visited them occasionally, just not when I'd be surrounded by the entire family at once. When everyone was together it was loud and crazy, not really my thing. _

_Stephanie seemed to get a little nervous about the entire thing, but I assured her it was okay. I didn't mind that my family met her or talked about me with her. I wanted her to know all of me and that included the parts I'd kept private up until now. It wasn't like I wanted to keep Stephanie a secret from my family anymore. Even before, it was more for her protection than anything that I had kept her away from them. I knew Mama would get ideas as soon as she met Steph, the kind of ideas that involved a priest and wedding registries, and I'd never hear the end of it. I was also pretty sure Steph would never hear the end of it. I didn't want her becoming a pawn Mama could use to try to lure me back into the family._

_I make her sound bad, but she isn't. Mama just wants me to find someone to love, to settle down, and have a normal life with. I always knew if I could have something like that it would be with Stephanie, but we'd never been close enough to think of making that a reality before. I knew that marriage was still far into the future, but it wasn't a dream anymore. We'd have it all someday. I wouldn't give up until we did, even if it meant dealing with my past and becoming a Manoso again. _

_Steph finally confessed that Mama told her stories about how I always wanted to camp out, but there was nowhere in Newark for camping so I'd set up blanket tents in my room. She blushed a little, but said the idea of snuggling up in a blanket tent with me seemed so sweet, but the idea of sleeping under the stars with me seemed kind of sexy. She was right, it did seem sexy. _

_I had an entire episode run through my head of us alone in the dark with only the moonlight shining on her pale, nude skin. Of course, my body reacted to that thought and my dick poked her through the sweat pants. She rubbed her hand up and down my length and smiled. She leaned in and kissed me before she said, "I'm glad you think it's sexy too."_

_I laughed and told her that she was sexy and could turn anywhere she was standing sexy in my eyes. It was true, I could imagine fucking her in about any locale I saw her in. She just shook her head and said, "Ditto, Batman."_

_That was the first time she'd used the silly nickname since she'd moved in and it made me smile. I don't know why something so silly could make me feel like we were getting back to normal, but it did. Then I wondered what normal was. She hadn't run from me like she normally would. She was there on my lap, talking and laughing and kissing me like she was happy. I really looked at her then and saw the smile and the sparkle in her eyes and the shine in her hair. I didn't notice all that had been missing before, but it was back. "Babe, are you happy?" I asked without thinking._

_She smiled and nodded to me. "I'm happier than I ever remember being, Ranger. I know it's a cycle and I'll have more bad days, but this one is good and I want to celebrate it with you, up here, under the stars," she told me. _

_Then I asked her if we were alright, that she didn't regret what happened this morning? She just shook her head no and told me she didn't regret anything. Before I could question her anymore she pressed her lips to mine and kissed me, hard and deep. It was the kind of kiss that had me wanting to carry her to bed and continue it over the rest of her body, but we didn't have a bed and I wasn't going to leap that far with her yet. When she pulled away she kissed my nose, forehead, cheek, ear, and neck then she just whispered, "I love you, Carlos Manoso. I want to make love to you, but I know we have to wait. I don't think that means we should wait to have it all though. I want you to touch me and kiss me and love me and I want to do the same to you."_

_I asked her if she was really ready for more. I wasn't going to push her for it, but I wasn't about to turn her down either. She nodded yes and told me that she wanted to experience those new sensations and feelings with me. I knew what she meant, apparently she was feeling like this was all new too and that made me happier than hell. Knowing neither of us had never experienced the true feelings of love behind those acts made it seem even more special to me. _

_I know, not a real manly thing to say, but I don't give a shit. I didn't mind all the romantic, loving feelings she was bringing out in me, but I'd never felt that way before and I wasn't sure how to deal with it. All I knew was that I didn't feel the need to hide from her anymore, behind a macho mask or blank stare or fake persona. I was proud to show her the love I was feeling. I guess I didn't realize it, but this man I was with her for the last week was the real me. It's funny that I didn't know who I was before now. Maybe I'd been hiding from myself too. _

_I moved my hands to the sides of her face and held her there so I could really look at her. My amazing woman. "I love you, Stephanie. I can wait as long as you need me to, but know that I want you, all of you. So when the time comes that you feel healed and whole you tell me and we'll make love," I told her. She nodded back while blinking tears away from her eyes so I continued, "Until then you lead the way. You tell me what you want or make the move. I don't want to overstep and make you uncomfortable, but I also don't want you to think I'm keeping my hands off because I don't want you. I want you bad, Babe, but we'll wait for it to be perfect. Alright?"_

_"Alright," she answered with a little grin. She moved in and kissed me again before laying her head on my shoulder. She asked me if I'd hold her for a while so I did. I held her until the sky darkened and the stars tried to peek out behind the smog. I don't think I've just sat and watched a sunset like that in years, it was nice to share it with her. Even though we didn't talk I still felt connected to her. We were beyond words, it was like all my senses were filled with her and I was basking in her essence somehow. _

_We actually stayed there for hours, until she was hungry again. That was when I found out what she had set up on the little table, turns out it wasn't a hibachi, it was a s'mores maker of all things. So she started toasting marshmallows because apparently we couldn't campout without them. In true Stephanie style, though, she came up with the strangest looking concoction since the peanut butter olive sandwich. These s'mores were toasted marshmallow on soda crackers, with peanut butter. She tried to convince me they were healthy because they didn't have chocolate on them and peanut butter was protein. I finally took a bite and surprisingly they weren't half bad, the salty, sweet thing was actually a pretty good combination. I didn't admit that to her though._

_We snuck back down to the apartment to get ready for bed before heading back up to the roof. I unzipped the tent and peeked inside. She had more pillows than we could use on top of an air mattress. For blankets we had sleeping bags that were zipped together so we could share. I was impressed with the set up. I finally asked her how she managed to get it all ready. _

_She smiled and told me she liked monitor duty because she could let the guys sneak around without alerting me. Then she admitted that Lester and Bobby took care of setting things up while Ella packed the food and Tank made sure we were secured and completely offline for the night._

_Okay, so my friends were good guys. I knew they did it for Steph without question and that made me smile. I'd have to make sure they got a little bonus or something. That'd let them know I appreciated it without having to go all "I love you, man" with it. _

_We snuggled into the sleeping bag together and Steph rolled into my body and laid her head on my shoulder. I knew she'd never use any of the pillows that were still stacked around the tent, so that made me smile. I was glad she liked to be that close to me. I liked to be that close to her too, obviously._

_We were quiet for a while, getting into sleep mode, but then she asked if I was sure I wasn't mad that she talked to my mom and had gotten the recipe for the cornbread and set up the camp scene. There was no way I could be mad about that. She didn't do anything wrong. She'd made this date special for me and I loved her more for it. So I told her that, plus I had a confession of my own. I didn't want to keep secrets from her so I told her about my visit to her parent's house._

_I wasn't sure how she was going to take it and even after I told her I wasn't sure. She didn't withdraw from me, but she didn't say anything either. She just laid there with her eyes closed for a long time. I knew she wasn't sleeping, but I didn't want to disturb whatever she was working through in her head so I didn't say anything or move either. _

_She finally sat up and looked at me. She told me that she was glad that I'd given them the restrictions that I had. I nodded, not wanting to interrupt her thoughts. She reached over so she could hold my hand and took a deep breath. Then she started again, "I don't hate them, Ranger. They're my family. Maybe it's completely insane to still love them after everything that's happened to me, but I do love them. It's just that I'm so tired. I can't keep working to be what they want me to be and I can't keep giving up the things I want, just to make them happy. I can't keep brushing off the pain the words cause me."_

_I sat up and pulled her into my arms. I held her close and rubbed her back, but she didn't break down. She just rubbed her hands over my back and shoulders and kissed my neck before she spoke again, "I know I should just walk away and never look back, but I don't think I can do it. I can't just let them disappear from my life without trying to resolve anything. I can't be the one to pull the plug on them."_

_I knew what she was saying and it was one of those moments that I had to work hard to control myself during. I wanted her to pull the plug and just tell them all to fuck off, but I knew she was right. Stephanie's heart was too big for that. She just couldn't walk away from the people she loves. I wasn't even sure how many times that had saved our friendship over the years. A lesser woman would have given up on me years ago, but not Stephanie. I just hoped that her family could see what I did, that she was worth fighting for. I had a feeling her parents were going to need to fight whatever sicknesses they had to earn a spot in her life again. For her sake I hoped they'd at least try._

_She told me that she'd been thinking about what she needed from the people in her life and realized how messed up her relationships all had been. She wanted to talk to Ben about family counseling. If they agreed to go she'd be open to giving them another chance to be in her life. She said the only way that she could have a relationship with them was if they agreed to stop hurting her, until then she wanted them to stay away from her. If they refused to get help, they'd be the ones pulling the plug and she wouldn't hesitate to walk away. I couldn't believe how proud of her I was. That was a huge decision for her and she'd taken the time to determine what she really wanted. This was a whole new Steph and I loved her even more than the old one._

_I asked her what she needed from me. She just shrugged and told me she just needed me to be me. She couldn't handle fake kindness or people treating her like she'd break. She needed me to keep being her friend and supporter. She needed my honesty and loyalty. Then she took my face between her hands and looked into my eyes and told me that what she needed most was my unconditional love. I told her she had that from the start. She nodded and told me that I was the only one to ever give her that. _

_I didn't think that was true. I thought her father, grandmother, and even her sister loved her no matter what. I did think that none of them knew how to show it or express it though. She just shook her head and sighed. When she flopped back down onto the air mattress she said, "Funny that it takes someone else pointing out something that is so obvious. No wonder I could never say the words. They'd never been said to me."_

_I leaned down then and told her that I loved her. She just smiled back and told me that she loved me too. What followed was an epic make-out session that did not leave me blue balled this time. And for the record, the girl can give a hell of a tugjob. _

_I woke this morning when the sun was just rising. I woke Steph and helped her pull her clothes back on. I wanted to sit outside the tent and watch the sunrise just as we had the sunset. She was still sleepy so I unzipped the sleeping bag and laid it on the lounge chair before crawling in with her on my lap, then I zipped it up around us. I let her doze back off in my arms._

_I couldn't keep my eyes off her peaceful, resting face. She really was my angel. I decided then that I was going to talk to both her and Ben about going to couple's counseling. We weren't having problems, but neither of us knew how to do this and make it work. I didn't want to take any chances at letting it fall apart. _

_Besides that, I knew I still had to share the darkness that was still balled inside me and part of me knew it'd make her see me differently. I just hoped that being open about our feelings would help her be able to tell me the truth about how it made her feel and not just tear her away from me. I wasn't that man anymore and I need to face what has been eating me alive all these years. I couldn't start a future until I let go of the past, and I was going to work like hell to do that for her, for us. _

_I wasn't going to let either of us pull the plug on our someday. _

**_**Author's notes...Thanks everyone for the positive reviews of the last chapter. Just a few things, I had a few people ask, I don't think I'm close to the end of this one. I feel like I may be at a midpoint. I'm not sure. I don't have a chapter map for this one, it's just rolling out of my head as I write it. So I never know what's going to happen. The only thing that could change that is if I just can't write it anymore. I've had moments of pure hate for this story one moment and then tears the next followed by weeks like this one where the words won't shut off. I have no idea why it's been such a roller coaster, but I seriously appreciate you just letting me know that you're still reading and enjoying what I put together. It keeps me going through the hard parts. So thank you again.**_**


	23. Chapter 23

September 19

September 19…230 pm

Today has been one of those weird up and down days for me. I guess what's still really hard for me to understand is how I can go from having a perfect, romantic night with the man I love to being a self-conscious, second-guessing, shell of a person in a matter of hours. I wonder if I'll always be this way or if these mood swings will go away with time. I hope they go away soon. I'd feel a lot less insane if they did.

I guess the whole thing started after Ranger went down to work this morning. I finally got around to reading the booklet that Dr. Westin had given me earlier in the week. It talked about controlling and abusive relationships. When he gave it to me we were talking about Joe, so when I started to read it he was the person on my mind.

It started with a questionnaire, so I tried to do what they said. Just answer the questions yes or no. I couldn't use excuses, by saying it only happened a couple times or it only happened when I made him mad or when he was stressed from work, or whatever the excuse would be. Just yes or no. So anyway, I tried to answer as truthfully as possible.

Does your partner make fun of you or embarrass you in front of your friends or family? I wasn't sure how to answer that one. He never made fun of me, exactly. He didn't set out to embarrass me either, I didn't think anyway. He did embarrass me when he showed up at my crime scenes and yelled at me and called me a disaster though. I wasn't sure if that counted.

Does he put down your accomplishments and discourage your goals? Uh, yeah. He never admitted I had the highest capture rate of all the bounty hunters Vinnie had employed. He never admitted that I solved an ass load of his cases. He never admitted that I solved more crimes than the average police officer did. He sure wanted to discourage me though, every chance he got. "Leave it alone, Cupcake. Let the professionals take care of this." Well, screw the professionals, I always got the job done.

Does he make you feel like you're unable to make a decision? I don't think I ever had that problem with Joe.

Does he use intimidation, guilt, or threats to gain your compliance? Um, sort of, he's a master at using guilt on me, but he doesn't really intimidate me anymore. As far as threats go, he didn't do more than threaten to break-up or tell my mother on me.

That's when it hit me. Joe Morelli wasn't the person I was in controlling relationship with. I was in controlling relationship with Helen Plum.

She was constantly picking on me and embarrassing me with her nagging about my personal and professional life. I was sure she waited until there was someone around to do it too. She thought my goals were ridiculous and made me feel like an idiot for having professional goals, to the point where I stopped sharing them with my family. As far as my accomplishments, she didn't see any of them. She would never admit I did something right.

I was raised to not be able to make a decision without worrying if it would be right in my mother's eyes. Even now, as an adult, I tried to do things that I thought would keep the peace and not set her off. If she didn't like something I was doing she'd badger me with phone calls. If I didn't correct my behavior after her nagging, she'd threatened to not do things for me like my laundry, or invite me to dinner, or withhold my favorite dessert. Though I think the worst part was the guilt trip she laid on me. The "Why me?" echoed through my mind as I thought about her rants and cries and the need to drink because of me.

The next two questions asked if she used alcohol as her excuse for saying hurtful things to me and did she blame me for her behavior? That was a big old double yes. It would never be her fault. If I could just be a proper Burg girl she wouldn't be that way to me.

Honestly, there were a few sex questions that obviously didn't apply, but everything else did. Even the questions about how I dealt with her. Was I afraid of how she would react to something? Did I feel responsible for her feelings? Did I make excuses to other people about her behavior? Did I believe her behavior would change if I'd just do what she wanted me to? Did I try not to do things that would cause conflict or make her upset? Did I feel like no matter what I did she would never be happy? Do I always do what she wants instead of what I want? YES! All of it, every last thing applied to me. I couldn't believe I'd never noticed any of this before.

Lester kept giving me strange looks on the way to the doctor's office, probably because I was going a mile a minute, talking to him about my mother being the crazy one, not me. Once we were there I practically ran into Dr. Westin's office. I handed him the paper that I'd written my answers on and told him that it wasn't Joe, it was my mother that was abusing me. He looked it all over and nodded to me.

I was practically bouncing in my chair. I don't know if it was nerves or a little bit of excitement or maybe both. I was scared to deal with this, but at the same time knowing where most of my issues were coming from felt so good.

Dr. Westin put aside the papers and looked at me with a little smile. Then totally off the subject, he just asked me if I had time to think about the relationships I have been in with Joe and Ranger. I shrugged a little. I had given those relationships a lot of thought over the last few days, especially now that things with Ranger were getting a little more serious.

He asked me to tell him what I thought the differences between the two relationships were. Yikes. That was really like comparing apples to oranges. I guess with Ranger I didn't feel like I had to lie to him or avoid him when things went wrong, like I did with Joe. He wasn't quick with his temper like Joe and he'd never belittle me or talk down to me like Joe did.

Also, with Joe if something he did or said hurt me I'd immediately get pissed and start a fight. I felt like it was better to show him anger than to let him see that he hurt me. I didn't want him to know he had the power to hurt me. With Ranger, though, I could be honest about my feelings, at least now I could. Before moving in with him, I'd run from him and hide myself and my feelings so he wouldn't see how he affected me. Now I felt like if something he did hurt my feelings I could tell him. I trust him to listen to me and for him not to hurt me intentionally. I don't think I ever had that level of trust in anyone before.

I suppose before I moved in with Ranger I was afraid to show either of them any kind of weakness. I didn't want them to see me as inferior to themselves so I'd try to be tough and strong like they both were. That included telling them how I felt about them or what I wanted out of our relationships. Now I wasn't afraid of that anymore. At some point crying and sharing my pain with Ranger became alright. I guess since he was able to show me his feelings I wasn't afraid to show mine anymore. I wasn't afraid to say that I love him and that I want a relationship with him. I never had that with Joe. Even when he told me he loved me I couldn't really say it back, not like I can with Ranger.

Dr. Westin asked me if I had started a physical relationship with Ranger since we started to get a little more serious. I rolled my eyes at the way he said that. I could tell he was quoting me. I told him that we had started to get more physical, but we weren't doing it yet. Okay, so we were making out like a couple of horny sixteen year olds every time we found ourselves in bed together, but there was no sex, yet.

I certainly didn't give him the details on things, but I assured him that I was able to reach orgasm without a problem anymore. He didn't need to know about Ranger talking me through that first one or about last night in the tent. Holy Moly. The man had magical hands and I really felt like he was making love to me with them.

He was tender and soft, exploring every inch of me. He kept his word though, only doing what I asked and letting me lead the way. It gave me a sense of power that I didn't know I had been missing before. I loved the feeling of strength it gave me to tell him where and how to touch me almost as much as I loved the feeling of stroking him to completion while he looked at me like that. His eyes were so expressive and filled with so much love it almost made me cry. I never thought I would have someone feel that way about me.

Dr. Westin asked me how this differed from the sexual contact that Ranger and I had in the past. Yikes. I wasn't sure how to explain that. I never thought there was anything missing or off with the way Ranger and I had sex before, but now I know we had both been holding back part of ourselves.

Right from the first night we were together there had been some sort of connection between us that made it feel different than any other sex I'd ever had. At first I thought it was just all the pent up sexual frustration we'd built up over the months we'd been flirting, teasing, and kissing each other, but when the things those kisses promised became a reality I knew it was more than that.

It was something special and it scared the shit out of me. Every time we found our way together it was even more amazing than the time before and it scared me more each time. I didn't know how to deal with the feelings I had for him. So I closed myself off, I didn't acknowledge that anything happened once we left the bed, I ran from him, I blamed a curse for my desire, and went back to Morelli, really anything to not have to face my feelings or admit that I wanted more than sex from him. Now though, I didn't want to close myself off from him. I wanted to be with him. I wanted to love him, forever if he let me. So when we touched now it wasn't laced with uncertainty or regret or pain, it was filled with trust, respect, and love and I'd never had that before.

Dr. Westin asked what sex with Joe had felt like if it hadn't been about love. I don't think I knew it wasn't about love at the time. At first, when we got together the sexual attention he gave me felt amazing. I felt wanted and good about myself for the first time since my divorce. He was sexy and handsome and charming, plus he was my ticket to getting the Burg life that I had been brainwashed into wanting. I wanted him to love me. I wanted to love him.

When we finally had sex it was amazing. Joe was a fantastic lover and I hadn't been with anyone in a really long time. I more than enjoyed being with him. He was an attentive and unselfish lover, we had good chemistry, and after a while we knew each other's bodies as well as our own. He knew exactly what to do to make me feel good and I knew exactly what he liked me to do. I had no complaints in that area.

The thing I hadn't been able to see until the last few days was that we used sex as a way to not deal with our relationship. We'd get in a fight and instead of talking about it and working it out, we'd have sex and go back to our pre-fight existence. If I knew he was going to get mad about something, I'd distract him with sex. If I needed him to do something I'd talk him into it with sex. If he wanted more of a commitment I'd distract him by telling him we didn't need more than what we already had, then I'd give him a night of unbelievable monkey sex until he forgot what he'd been trying to talk me into.

In return he did the same. If I ever questioned if he wanted to be with me or if he was cheating or if he was keeping secrets from me, he'd distract me with sex too. It was kind of like if we could still have this amazing sex then everything must have been alright between us. We must really love each other if things felt so good when we were together physically.

Now as I sit and think about it, away from him and the way he can distract me from my thoughts, I think I was confusing sex with love. I guess that's why I'm hesitant to start a sexual relationship with Ranger again. I don't want to fall into the same pattern with him. I don't want to use sex as an alternative to communication.

Dr. Westin just grinned at me and told me I'd just had a break through. I asked how he figured that. He told me that admitting to having addiction was the first step to break it. I still didn't know what the hell he was talking about. He told me my addiction was to Joe. I used him as a security blanket. He protected me from my mother's wrath and from the feelings I had for Ranger that I didn't want to deal with. I could use and control Joe with sex to my own benefit. Having that control with him made me feel comfortable and good, because I never had that in my life before. My mother had taken it away from me when I was a child.

So how the hell do I fix that? He told me that I'd have to work on developing healthy thought patterns. I need to learn to do things for myself without thinking about the how my mother would react to it. I need to learn that the only person that has control of me is me and in return the only person I can control is me.

He also told me I need to think about my relationship with Joe. Was I ready to cut ties with him? Was I ready to walk away from him completely? Was I ready to move on? Did I want to try to work through my problems and find a way to break the co-dependency I had with him? Or did I think I could have a healthy relationship with him if we tried?

He also told me I need to think about my relationship with Ranger. Was I ready for a healthy committed relationship with him? Was I ready to fight my disease so we could live in an interdependent relationship? Was I ready to stand beside him without trying to control his behaviors? Did I really love him or was I just trying to find a new security blanket?

And finally, I need to learn to deal with my mother and the damage she has caused me over the years. Until I learn to deal with that I won't be able to heal. I wasn't sure how I was going to do that, but I trust Dr. Westin to help me find a way. He's gotten me this far, right?

I left my appointment a lot more solemn than when I went in. I had a lot of information to process. I had a lot of decisions to make. I had a lot of questions that I needed to answer. Lester immediately wanted to know if I was alright. I told him I wasn't sure and let myself slip into my own version of the zone.

When I got home I went up to the apartment and flopped across the bed in my thinking position. I was having problems wrapping my mind around the fact that my mother's abuse had wrecked me so badly without me even knowing it. I wondered if The Dick cheating had been my fault. Had I tried to control him? Did I blame him all these years for something that was my fault? And Joe, what about Joe? How often had I hurt him over the years with the ridiculous fights? I think part of me knew I'd never marry him, but I kept stringing him along, hurting him over and over. Why would I do that to someone I love? If I could hurt Joe so badly, what about Ranger? Have I hurt him? Am I going to continue to hurt him? Can I really be the woman he needs me to be?

I was so out of it I didn't hear Ranger come up. All of a sudden he was just lying next to me, not touching, not looking at me. He was just there, next to me, staring up at the ceiling the same way I had been. He didn't say anything, he just laid his hand over the top of mine and let me have my time. "I'm alright. I just need to think some things through," I told him.

"What do you usually do when you need to think?" he asked me.

I laughed a little then told him that this was what I usually did. I'd just lay in my bed and wait for things to make sense. Unless it was something huge. Then I liked to go to the beach. The wind and the waves helped me think. He squeezed my hand and asked if I needed to go to the beach for this one.

I didn't think I needed to go to the beach, besides it wasn't like I could afford the beach anyway. I'd have to get a motel room and eat out and all that. It was like he read my mind again, he just rolled onto his side so he could look at me and said, "Don't worry about money. I have a safe house on the beach you can use and I can get it stocked with food so you don't have to go anywhere."

I don't know why that freaked me out, but it did. I didn't want to take anything else from him. I was already mooching off him the way it was. He just told me that as an employee I had access to any of the safe houses at any time. I wasn't mooching. If I wanted to go, I could go, anytime. We laid there a while longer while I thought about his offer. I finally told him I thought the beach would be good.

He made a couple phone calls and told me the house would be ready in two hours. I still don't know how he makes things happen so fast, but the second he needs something it's ready for him, like magic. I just nodded back to him. I guess I wasn't sure what to say. I suddenly felt all off and weird and was questioning how close we'd become in such a short time.

I guess he could sense that too. He asked me if I wanted one of the guys or Lula to stay with me for the weekend. Now that I think about it, that should have comforted me and my worries, but it didn't. As soon as I thought about him not being with me for the next three days I started to get that panicky feeling in my chest. I tried to close my eyes and focus on my breathing. I needed to calm myself down.

I tried to get up off the bed, but only made it a couple steps before he caught my arm and turned me toward him. I saw the concern on his face and just started to cry. He pulled me against his chest and cradled me there, kissing my forehead and petting my hair. "Stephanie?" he asked quietly. "Please tell me what's wrong." He sunk to the floor and pulled me down onto his lap, still holding me against him and soothing me with his touch. I wasn't sure how I was going to explain what was going through my head though. Then he asked if he did something wrong.

I looked up at him and told him he hadn't done anything wrong. It was all me. He smiled then and kissed my lips before telling me I didn't do anything wrong either. I finally just told him that I was afraid that I was depending on him too much. I didn't want his entire life to become about me and what I wanted or needed. I didn't want to control him that way. I didn't want to use him as a security blanket. I didn't want to lose him because of my selfishness.

He just shook his head and leaned his forehead against mine until we were looking into each other's eyes. He told me that he depended on me just as much as I did him. He felt like he needed me to be at home with him so he could talk to me about his day, about his thoughts, about how he was feeling. He said without that he'd be lost. He's come to depend on me to be here for him and there was nothing wrong with me depending on him to be here for me too.

He told me that I was his focus for the time being, because I needed him right now. There was nothing wrong with needing him, in fact, he liked that I wanted him near me. He said he'd been focusing on his career all his life and he'd been selfishly pushing me away because of it for too long. It was time to refocus, making me the priority and his career secondary was what he wanted to do, for both of us.

Finally he just said that I wasn't selfish. Nothing about me was selfish. What I had put together for him on the roof last night was all about him and I'd done it to make him happy, not because I wanted something out of it. I always put his needs ahead of my own when he needed me. I helped clear his name during that whole Ramos thing, I helped out RangeMan whenever he needed me, I even saved his company when no one else could, and I was the one person he could turn to when Julie had been kidnapped. I wasn't selfish when I put myself in danger to protect and save his little girl. He told me that no one, ever, had given to him so unselfishly.

My mouth was probably hanging open at that point. I'd never thought about the things I'd done for him. I just did them because he needed me. I'd do anything for him. It didn't matter if it put me in danger or I broke the law or it caused problems with Joe or my family. For me there were no limits to what I would give him, because I loved him.

As I stared into his eyes I thought about all that he'd given to me over the years, not the cars, jobs, and money, but the real things. The support for my job, the pride he instilled in me when I found a skip or solved a case, and the trust he granted me by allowing me into his life like he did no one else. The way he was always there protecting me and saving me even though he was putting himself in danger or breaking laws to do so. "You'd do anything for me wouldn't you?" I asked him.

He kissed my nose and nodded his head yes and said, "There are no limits to what I would do for you, no matter the cost, I would do anything you needed."

"Because you love me?" I asked quietly.

"Because I love you," he agreed. I just laid my head on his shoulder and put my nose against his neck. I breathed his warm scent and allowed myself to relax again. After I had calmed down a little he asked me what I had meant by him being a security blanket. I tried to explain that I didn't want to use him to make myself feel safe, to protect me from the things I need to deal with outside these walls, or to hide behind.

He told me there was nothing wrong with needing a security blanket once and a while, as long as that wasn't what our entire relationship was about. I must have looked at him like he was speaking another language at that point, because he started to interpret it for me. He said, "I don't think there is anything wrong with feeling safer together than apart. Families protect each other, share strength with one another, and deal with their problems together." Then he lightly tugged one of my curls and told me, "I won't let you hide behind me, but I'll stand by your side through anything." I started to say something, but he put his finger against my lips and said, "I need you to do all those things for me too. That's what love is. That's what being a family is. You're my family, Babe. I love you and we will fight all this together."

He made me cry again with his beautiful words. He laughed when I asked him how he got so wise and told me that he wasn't wise, he just knew what he wanted now and I wasn't going to get away from him this time. That made me laugh through the tears. I knew he was joking, he really was wise. The more he opened up, the more surprised I was to hear what was really going on in that brilliant mind of his. I guess that was just another piece of the Ranger puzzle. I knew someday I'd have all the pieces put together and I couldn't wait to see what it looked like.

We finally decided to go to the beach together. Turns out he was being polite, thinking I needed to be away from him to think. So when I assured him there was no one else I wanted to be there with he just smiled and told me he had the weekend off and wanted to be with me too. So we packed our bags and hauled them down to his Cayenne and took off for the shore.

We were still probably twenty minutes out. He seemed to be in his zone, with his classical music playing quietly in the background, while I wrote. The only thing that allowed me to know he wasn't completely tuned out from me was that his fingers were making little circular patterns on my thigh.

I slowly slid my eyes from his hand, up his arm, to his face. God, he was so beautiful. I couldn't wait to get out of this car and into his arms again. I wasn't sure how I was going to deal with what my mother did to me or how I was going to cut ties with Joe, but I knew I'd be able to do it someday, because I had this wonderful man in my corner.

The only thing I knew was that I was ready to work on my relationship with him. I'm not about to give him up, now or ever. He is my family and I love him, with every little bit of my heart and nothing will ever change that.

****Just a quick note. I wanted to say thank you to everyone for your reviews of the last chapter. I haven't been getting a lot of time to write lately, but I'm working on it when I have a chance. I don't know how much time I'll have to write over the next six weeks, but it doesn't look good. I'll be traveling every weekend for my daughter's dance competitions and doing all the extras that goes with that (like spending four hours gluing rhinestones up the back seam of fishnet tights, that was last night). But I promise to update as often as I can. I'm hoping to write a little romance into their weekend away while she sorts things out, what do you think?** **


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